I have this dream anchor in the form of a person that has been a thing for years.
He’s a happy place for me and my go-to dream pathway when I need to escape everything and everyone for a night of peaceful sleep. Our interactions have primarily been of a romantic comforting nature, but there’s also been adventures shared that I’d never have the balls to take on my own, like cliff diving and rock climbing. He’s a figure my mind conjured to make me feel youthful and filled with life, and also loved in a way that was missing once upon a time when the physical touch and comfort of a man wasn’t easy to come by due to my husband being an OTR truck driver gone for weeks at a time.
To no surprise to me, this figure has been coming back more often lately as my mental health has taken a spiral downward.
Early this morning when my brain was being too loud, my eyes finally closed and he entered the frame. We were at some backwoods market in the middle of the mountains somewhere. Walking in the parking lot towards the store there was distance. There wasn’t the usual hand holding, like we were back at square one even though we’ve known each other on a deep level for years. It was like something had happened…something my mind didn’t want to let me see or feel played out for my own protection.
The distance continued when we entered the store. Conversations were had but I found myself having to bring more lightheartedness to them because the physical distance was also present in a verbal sense as well. Then an acquaintance of his came over and I decided to wander around the store to see what all they offered. On the outside it was deceptively small because inside there were stories to the building, even corridors that led to other sections, one being a floral section. I barely saw the new flowers on display before other shoppers snatched them up. It kind of broke my heart missing out on touching them, but I was grateful I was at least able to see new signs of…spring?…maybe. Just know they were a sight to see, like it had been a while since I’ve seen colorful flowers in bloom.
When I went back to him the energy was different. Lighter. More welcoming with more eye contact. Maybe it was just a reflection of me seeing the full pretty flowers. Through our natural flow of conversation he mentioned something about my husband, to which I felt I could share with him the truth about what has become of our relationship. I opened up to him…fully…but in a way that was able to be captured with only a few but powerful sentences. His eye contact was the most concentrated it had been the entire dream. The distance had lessened more and more with my softer voice and my vulnerability and even embarrassment coming into light. I don’t remember many of the words I spoke, but I remember the look in his eyes when I said to him, “…but it is what it is. Because who would have me now, especially with everything I have going on?” I realized by seeing his confused expression that within my happy place I hadn’t divulged my diagnosis to him. Upon revealing it, the distance was completely gone. He stepped forward with the same gentleness that was found in his strong arms that were instinctively wrapped around me. Nothing more was said. Just a deep sigh that we both shared as my cheek rested against his chest while his hand laid against my head, holding me there. The true happy place I had known.
Then I woke up, and the relief I felt…my gosh. It set the very much needed tone for the day.
I know it’s just my mind’s way of taking care of me even though it’s the main source of why I need mental vacations to begin with, but just as powerfully felt as the anxiety it creates is…so is the comfort that can only come from within.
To no surprise to me, this figure has been coming back more often lately as my mental health has taken a spiral downward.
Early this morning when my brain was being too loud, my eyes finally closed and he entered the frame. We were at some backwoods market in the middle of the mountains somewhere. Walking in the parking lot towards the store there was distance. There wasn’t the usual hand holding, like we were back at square one even though we’ve known each other on a deep level for years. It was like something had happened…something my mind didn’t want to let me see or feel played out for my own protection.
The distance continued when we entered the store. Conversations were had but I found myself having to bring more lightheartedness to them because the physical distance was also present in a verbal sense as well. Then an acquaintance of his came over and I decided to wander around the store to see what all they offered. On the outside it was deceptively small because inside there were stories to the building, even corridors that led to other sections, one being a floral section. I barely saw the new flowers on display before other shoppers snatched them up. It kind of broke my heart missing out on touching them, but I was grateful I was at least able to see new signs of…spring?…maybe. Just know they were a sight to see, like it had been a while since I’ve seen colorful flowers in bloom.
When I went back to him the energy was different. Lighter. More welcoming with more eye contact. Maybe it was just a reflection of me seeing the full pretty flowers. Through our natural flow of conversation he mentioned something about my husband, to which I felt I could share with him the truth about what has become of our relationship. I opened up to him…fully…but in a way that was able to be captured with only a few but powerful sentences. His eye contact was the most concentrated it had been the entire dream. The distance had lessened more and more with my softer voice and my vulnerability and even embarrassment coming into light. I don’t remember many of the words I spoke, but I remember the look in his eyes when I said to him, “…but it is what it is. Because who would have me now, especially with everything I have going on?” I realized by seeing his confused expression that within my happy place I hadn’t divulged my diagnosis to him. Upon revealing it, the distance was completely gone. He stepped forward with the same gentleness that was found in his strong arms that were instinctively wrapped around me. Nothing more was said. Just a deep sigh that we both shared as my cheek rested against his chest while his hand laid against my head, holding me there. The true happy place I had known.
Then I woke up, and the relief I felt…my gosh. It set the very much needed tone for the day.
I know it’s just my mind’s way of taking care of me even though it’s the main source of why I need mental vacations to begin with, but just as powerfully felt as the anxiety it creates is…so is the comfort that can only come from within.
46-50, F
