Why does it feel so tiring and exhausting to be struggling in my relationship with my boyfriend right now?
Let me tell you about the start of my relationship with my partner. He was like the matroshka doll of red flags. But I stayed. I stayed because I didn't discover these red flags, he disclosed them verbally and in a forthcoming manner. He also said that he wanted to improve and become a better and more healthy person, physically and mentally, in part for me because he knows that is what I deserved but in part because he always wanted to do it for himself and needed an excuse to get started and this was that excuse he'd been waiting for.
And then, here's the big thing, HE GOT STARTED. All on his own. I didn't mother him. I didn't mention it. He stated an intention, and then used me and our beginning relationship somewhat as an accountability buddy to check in and report back progress he'd taken on that intention.
And the way he behaved, the reliability he showed, the self-awareness he had to offer, all of that said to me that when things in our future were going to become rough and hard - as life does do that - I could rely on these same processes to be in place then. And I'll take that a million times over someone with no flags but who has no track-record with me of facing fears and doing hard things for the betterment of us as a unit (even if that isn't the biggest of the outcomes). Through the tough times there were a lot of tears, all mine. And a lot of requests for reassurance. And a lot of me constantly reframing things as us as a team vs the situation. We both had to mourn our old lives. I had to accept him as he was rather than be biding my time with him until he popped out the other end as Fixed!Partner. He had to slough off his old coping mechanics, go through the uncomfortable middle where there was a vacuum with nothing to replace them so he suddenly couldn't cope, and then come out the other end trying out new coping mechanics to find healthier options that did the job and fit him authentically. The vacuum was the part with the tears, reassurance requests, heartache, and conversational framing.
That he didn't backslide into his old coping mechanics was, again, a green flag to stay on board.
And he's not Fixed!Partner yet, if'n he's ever going to be. But he is someone who can now openly and with some detachment discuss the nature of any issues we have, work with me as a collaborator, and brainstorm possible avenues to solving whatever is tough in our environment.
A then vs now comes to mind for something which happened yesterday. We are going to travel together and so need to book plane tickets. The very first time we did this, he asked me to research and present him with a short list of options (two, specifically). I was happy to and did. He then, in front of me, redid the entirety of my research only to arrive at the same conclusions I'd reached and I lost it ... no one likes to be micromanaged or undermined or whatever that nonsense was. After a lot of candid conversations it comes out that he redid my work because he thought if we both had consensus in our research then the results could be considered credible (airlines like to do mistake fares, etc.). I didn't feel that was a valuable use of my time for such small odds of encountering an error.
Which brings us to yesterday. Once again airfare needed to be booked. He did the research himself because he was always going to do it himself. I did not. He presented me with two options. I selected one. We booked. He has a new method to reassure himself that the fares he finds are credible; one that doesn't involve my time (but one that, I suspect, involves other redditors who enjoy this sort of thing collaborating with him to make it a social hobby). And while that's a softball because it isn't even the truly deep work of mental or physical health, it's an example of the sort of situation that can be read too much into and dumped over. I do think one should at least have a candid conversation; and we can all tell when the other person isn't being candid. I like the nonviolent communications framework for how to frame the start of the candid conversation. Yeah, I have no interest in ever pursuing a romantic relationship. I'm somewhat open to the possibility of that changing, but I'm quite content to be single for life so I think it's unlikely to change. If I was someone who wanted children, I'd definitely want a partner. But as a happily childfree person, I genuinely don't think my life would be enriched by adding the complexity of a romantic relationship into my already strained schedule.
I think in parts it's human nature to want companionship. But it's also fine to decide you are not in the space to want a relationship. I was single for a while when I was in school and dealing with family drama. Eventually I started dating again, and ended up marrying a wonderful man who makes it so easy to love and be loved. Romantic relationships don't have to be complicated. They can be, but they can also be amazing. It's up to you to decide if you want to do it, though.
100%, I realised a couple of years ago that I romanticise relationships rather than actually wanting to be in one. The emotional connection and mutual attraction you gain aren't worth the reality unless your partner is compatible with you. Not that relationships are bad. I'm more that happy chilling out by myself for a few more years before seriously considering dating. But two people living together takes less effort than the two would need to make living separately. I'm assuming a good chunk of those 90 things you're having to think about are household tasks? With a partner, you could halve the effort you need to put in that area. If you both have jobs, bills will be easier to pay and savings will grow faster. And there's significant health benefits - if you have a heart attack you're much more likely to live if you're not be living alone!
Despite that - thinking about the practicalities kind of misses the point as to why people pursue relationships. My wife completes me. She pushes me to follow my dreams where my instincts would be to stay in my comfort zone. She is a great source of emotional support when times are hard. I am a kinder and more successful human being because of her being in my life, and I hope she would say the same about me. That's worth a bit of extra mental load to make sure she's happy - and besides, making her happy gives me a lot of satisfaction too.
I just live in survival mode. Work is demanding, then I get home and have to decide what I'm going to eat for dinner, have household chores to do, maybe I'll do a quick workout. Then I'm so tired, all I wanna do is just watch TV and fall asleep.
The last thing I want is to have to plan a date or put in effort for anther person that I'll inevitably pay for while they may or may not be upset with me in any given moment. And sex? That's going to require some effort from me.... and If I have something im stuck on at work or I need to laundry or the house is a mess..... my mind won't allow me to relax to until all that is done. Sex comes in to play if and only if all my ducks are in a row. And they are very infrequently all in a row.
Not all relationships have to look or feel the same. Being together but living apart is an option. My partner and I don’t share a bedroom which a lot of people feel is weird - she snores so loud though and I have a tendency to practice karate in my sleep. It’s hard work but if you’re both really mature people who are open about feelings you can weather most storms - something more easily done with someone who’d take a bullet for you (not that I’d let her, which is what makes it work). An ex of mine said something really profound to me, that I didn’t realize was so amazing until years later: we can define and do this relationship however makes sense to us, it’s ours and no one else’s.
I'm struggling with this lately. I was in a serious relationship up until 28 years old. Other than a short term romantic fling, I've been single since, and I'm 34 years old now. I consider myself emotionally independent, meaning that I can be happy without a woman in my life. However, having been in a relationship before, there are some things that add to the quality of your life that you can't replicate when you're single, and then there's kids that we are all programmed to want to have. I also love being able to do what I want, when I want, and spend what I want. With all of that being said, it's hard to find the motivation required to find a girlfriend these days. It's never a 50/50 thing, it's always the man that has to do all the upfront work. The only times I ever had a girl work out is when its mutual, so if it's not like that in the beginning, or if she's playing games then I'm checked out. I guess at the end of the day it comes down to priorities and currently I'd rather prioritize my free time than to give half of it up to a relationship.
I had a girlfriend but I broke up with her because she got so avoidant to the point we even stopped talking for several weeks. Now, it just feels like an inconvenience getting into a relationship. I mean, I want to have one and the thing is I know I can be a good partner that respects and provides boundaries, but as of right now it just feels like too much work. Maybe I'm too career oriented(?) but idk. I just don't have the time/want to put in the time because I'm so busy. Plus, if it's not a serious relationship, why bother? I don't see the appeal of hookups or casual relationships.
And then, here's the big thing, HE GOT STARTED. All on his own. I didn't mother him. I didn't mention it. He stated an intention, and then used me and our beginning relationship somewhat as an accountability buddy to check in and report back progress he'd taken on that intention.
And the way he behaved, the reliability he showed, the self-awareness he had to offer, all of that said to me that when things in our future were going to become rough and hard - as life does do that - I could rely on these same processes to be in place then. And I'll take that a million times over someone with no flags but who has no track-record with me of facing fears and doing hard things for the betterment of us as a unit (even if that isn't the biggest of the outcomes). Through the tough times there were a lot of tears, all mine. And a lot of requests for reassurance. And a lot of me constantly reframing things as us as a team vs the situation. We both had to mourn our old lives. I had to accept him as he was rather than be biding my time with him until he popped out the other end as Fixed!Partner. He had to slough off his old coping mechanics, go through the uncomfortable middle where there was a vacuum with nothing to replace them so he suddenly couldn't cope, and then come out the other end trying out new coping mechanics to find healthier options that did the job and fit him authentically. The vacuum was the part with the tears, reassurance requests, heartache, and conversational framing.
That he didn't backslide into his old coping mechanics was, again, a green flag to stay on board.
And he's not Fixed!Partner yet, if'n he's ever going to be. But he is someone who can now openly and with some detachment discuss the nature of any issues we have, work with me as a collaborator, and brainstorm possible avenues to solving whatever is tough in our environment.
A then vs now comes to mind for something which happened yesterday. We are going to travel together and so need to book plane tickets. The very first time we did this, he asked me to research and present him with a short list of options (two, specifically). I was happy to and did. He then, in front of me, redid the entirety of my research only to arrive at the same conclusions I'd reached and I lost it ... no one likes to be micromanaged or undermined or whatever that nonsense was. After a lot of candid conversations it comes out that he redid my work because he thought if we both had consensus in our research then the results could be considered credible (airlines like to do mistake fares, etc.). I didn't feel that was a valuable use of my time for such small odds of encountering an error.
Which brings us to yesterday. Once again airfare needed to be booked. He did the research himself because he was always going to do it himself. I did not. He presented me with two options. I selected one. We booked. He has a new method to reassure himself that the fares he finds are credible; one that doesn't involve my time (but one that, I suspect, involves other redditors who enjoy this sort of thing collaborating with him to make it a social hobby). And while that's a softball because it isn't even the truly deep work of mental or physical health, it's an example of the sort of situation that can be read too much into and dumped over. I do think one should at least have a candid conversation; and we can all tell when the other person isn't being candid. I like the nonviolent communications framework for how to frame the start of the candid conversation. Yeah, I have no interest in ever pursuing a romantic relationship. I'm somewhat open to the possibility of that changing, but I'm quite content to be single for life so I think it's unlikely to change. If I was someone who wanted children, I'd definitely want a partner. But as a happily childfree person, I genuinely don't think my life would be enriched by adding the complexity of a romantic relationship into my already strained schedule.
I think in parts it's human nature to want companionship. But it's also fine to decide you are not in the space to want a relationship. I was single for a while when I was in school and dealing with family drama. Eventually I started dating again, and ended up marrying a wonderful man who makes it so easy to love and be loved. Romantic relationships don't have to be complicated. They can be, but they can also be amazing. It's up to you to decide if you want to do it, though.
100%, I realised a couple of years ago that I romanticise relationships rather than actually wanting to be in one. The emotional connection and mutual attraction you gain aren't worth the reality unless your partner is compatible with you. Not that relationships are bad. I'm more that happy chilling out by myself for a few more years before seriously considering dating. But two people living together takes less effort than the two would need to make living separately. I'm assuming a good chunk of those 90 things you're having to think about are household tasks? With a partner, you could halve the effort you need to put in that area. If you both have jobs, bills will be easier to pay and savings will grow faster. And there's significant health benefits - if you have a heart attack you're much more likely to live if you're not be living alone!
Despite that - thinking about the practicalities kind of misses the point as to why people pursue relationships. My wife completes me. She pushes me to follow my dreams where my instincts would be to stay in my comfort zone. She is a great source of emotional support when times are hard. I am a kinder and more successful human being because of her being in my life, and I hope she would say the same about me. That's worth a bit of extra mental load to make sure she's happy - and besides, making her happy gives me a lot of satisfaction too.
I just live in survival mode. Work is demanding, then I get home and have to decide what I'm going to eat for dinner, have household chores to do, maybe I'll do a quick workout. Then I'm so tired, all I wanna do is just watch TV and fall asleep.
The last thing I want is to have to plan a date or put in effort for anther person that I'll inevitably pay for while they may or may not be upset with me in any given moment. And sex? That's going to require some effort from me.... and If I have something im stuck on at work or I need to laundry or the house is a mess..... my mind won't allow me to relax to until all that is done. Sex comes in to play if and only if all my ducks are in a row. And they are very infrequently all in a row.
Not all relationships have to look or feel the same. Being together but living apart is an option. My partner and I don’t share a bedroom which a lot of people feel is weird - she snores so loud though and I have a tendency to practice karate in my sleep. It’s hard work but if you’re both really mature people who are open about feelings you can weather most storms - something more easily done with someone who’d take a bullet for you (not that I’d let her, which is what makes it work). An ex of mine said something really profound to me, that I didn’t realize was so amazing until years later: we can define and do this relationship however makes sense to us, it’s ours and no one else’s.
I'm struggling with this lately. I was in a serious relationship up until 28 years old. Other than a short term romantic fling, I've been single since, and I'm 34 years old now. I consider myself emotionally independent, meaning that I can be happy without a woman in my life. However, having been in a relationship before, there are some things that add to the quality of your life that you can't replicate when you're single, and then there's kids that we are all programmed to want to have. I also love being able to do what I want, when I want, and spend what I want. With all of that being said, it's hard to find the motivation required to find a girlfriend these days. It's never a 50/50 thing, it's always the man that has to do all the upfront work. The only times I ever had a girl work out is when its mutual, so if it's not like that in the beginning, or if she's playing games then I'm checked out. I guess at the end of the day it comes down to priorities and currently I'd rather prioritize my free time than to give half of it up to a relationship.
I had a girlfriend but I broke up with her because she got so avoidant to the point we even stopped talking for several weeks. Now, it just feels like an inconvenience getting into a relationship. I mean, I want to have one and the thing is I know I can be a good partner that respects and provides boundaries, but as of right now it just feels like too much work. Maybe I'm too career oriented(?) but idk. I just don't have the time/want to put in the time because I'm so busy. Plus, if it's not a serious relationship, why bother? I don't see the appeal of hookups or casual relationships.
