Am I wrong for being upset at my partner for being complicated?
My (39M) love life has been tumultuous to say the least. I am a few years out from a decade long marriage and back into dating for the first time since my early 20’s. Even back then my ex-wife was really the first person I had a very serious relationship with so I don’t have much experience even at my age. Since my separation I have pretty much lived on my own and found it amazing. I got to do what I wanted and didn’t need to answer to anyone or be accountable to anyone. I went where I went without needing to concern myself with whether or not I was going to complicate things with a partner. It was very liberating.
Fast forward to today. I have dated on and off the past 1.5 years culminating in a serious relationship that I have been in for around 9 months now.
The person I’m with (35F) is great. She is educated and motivated in her career, she’s goofy and funny in the best possible way and is genuinely interesting in her personality and aesthetic and I was instantly attracted to her when we met online. Things moved very fast. I was convinced if I can’t make it work with this person that I don’t want to try anymore. That I could be content being alone.
We’ve been together now for almost 9 months and recently moved in together. This was a turning point. Literally the day we moved her in was the first time I saw her living situation. I know that’s kind of crazy of me to wait till almost 7 months in but she lived in a different city at the time and would mostly come out to me to stay. When I would go out there I would meet her at work and we would go out to dinner or hang out around the city for the evening.
The one thing that stood out to me though when I finally got into her place was how much of a mess it was: her bed had stains all over it, the toilet had mold and hadn’t clearly been cleaned in ages, and her couch smelled strongly like cat pee. She told me her reason for things having gotten so out of control is because she was working and in school for her masters and couldn’t keep up with it.
Now we’ve lived together for a few months and I don’t believe that it’s true. I have yet to see her clean the litter boxes once or even do her laundry once. Almost everything that gets done is because I do it. I did tell her I would do these things though because I realized she just wasn’t going to get around to doing them and I really don’t like a messy house so I “compromised”.
Living together too has brought other things to my attention. Some of which do seem like issues and some which I am unsure of. Namely, More often than not she has a drink at least once a day. It doesn’t necessarily seem to be inhibiting her life or anything but it concerns me. The other things is how she conducts her work and financial life.
She has started school again this year and has struggled with balancing it. She is always behind on her work (which mind you she won’t get paid for until she completes and submits it), and yet she sleeps till almost noon everyday. There have also been some incidences too that make me wonder how she is doing financially. Someone tried to open a credit card in her name and it got rejected, but despite my pressing to follow up on this because it is critical she has not done anything about it.
Relationships are really hard and it has been difficult for me to judge what I am being too sensitive about or judgmental about. Every time I feel like my partner doesn't listen, care or respect me - whether that is real or perceived - I explode in anger and it just takes over me. Sometimes it lasts for days until I realize that I did the same thing I always do and then I feel regret. Often the slight is actually perceived, as my partners do actually care for me but my reaction just pushes them away. It has made romantic relationships really difficult for me and I am afraid to try dating again. I understand the problem cognitively, I think the best explanation I read so far was in a book on schema therapy by Jeffrey E. Young (it's called Reinventing Your Life and I highly recommend it). So my problem is basically that the emotional deprivation I experienced as a child keeps bleeding into my relationships. It's a feeling that I will never be heard, never be understood, that there's nobody there for me. I don't feel emotionally close to friends or family so I feel like my partners are the only ones I can open up to. But then I mess up because no matter how much they give me it never feels enough, it's a persistent feeling of deprivation in the face of clear evidence of caring.
Some people react differently to this problem but my reaction is anger - I become very blaming, demanding, and hypersensitive to signs of neglect. Or I just get cold and punish my partner with silence. The partners are not always blameless, of course, but I know this isn't a good way to solve our issues. You can see why this is a problem - I don't know that I am reacting in this way until it's too late. I have started to doubt all of my feelings because I cannot distinguish anymore if my partners are actually being neglectful and disrespectful and I am putting up healthy boundaries or if I am just falling into the same trap again, reliving emotions that come from someplace else.
I have tried to be more aware when these feelings are activated so I can take a few days, calm down and think before I react but recently I exploded again on an ex-partner and I basically felt I haven't achieved much (I do feel less shamed about it because I already know what's the problem). I am a very deep person emotionally. I feel a lot, I think a lot, and I need someone to really see me inside, to be interested in my emotional world with monitoring and care.
My partner is a good person, he is present in everyday life and most importantly: he wants to improve.
When we met, he came with emotional wounds and many difficulties in looking inward. I accompanied him a lot in that process. I helped him learn to be introspective and manage his conflicts. He has grown a lot and I appreciate that.
But today, although he tries hard and wants to continue improving, I feel like he can't reach the emotional depth that I need.
When I share what I feel, he listens to me, but he takes it as something isolated, he doesn't connect the parts or follow up. He doesn't create an emotional map with me. This leaves me alone within the bond. Many times I feel like I do all the emotional work for both of us.
It's not about guilt. He wants, I know he wants, but I feel that wanting is not enough.
Sometimes I hesitate if I ask for too much, but I know that what I need is a deeper connection, a real emotional look, not empty words or “everything is fine.” I'm exhausted, disconnected, and feel like I'm quietly fading away, even though we live together. And the hardest thing is that he doesn't notice it at all because he thinks he's doing what he can.
Does anyone else experience this? Can you live like this, knowing that the other will never connect with you in the depth you want? How do you continue when the other wants but cannot connect emotionally? Is this a form of emotional incompatibility?
Some time ago, I told him I thought I might be going through depression. He listened and hugged me, but he never brought it up again. He didn't ask how I was doing or go any deeper. I also told him about my social phobia. At the time, he seemed to empathize, but later he acts as if he doesn’t remember—putting me in situations that I’ve already told him make me feel physically unwell. It’s as if everything I shared with him carried no real weight. What hurts the most is that when something happens to him, I’m always present. I ask how he’s doing, I try to understand, stay close, even look for solutions for him. But I don’t feel the same coming from him. My friends are so eager to say it’s a trauma bond or toxic relationship, and honestly? I’m the toxic one. And this relationship has woken me up in my behavior that I got away with for so long. My last relationship, three years, well he never once complained. I could do no wrong, he put me on a pedestal. Until three years went by and it all came out. But I blamed him for holding it in and never reflected on the point I could control: my own behavior. I knew I was codependent but my god, the extent. The anxious attachment. The toxicity of my own actions as a result of these things. My partner reassures me and treats me with softness, but also points out the way I speak to him and it was hard for me to accept as a 26 y/o but it’s about time I did.
So I’m working on appreciating my partner because I want him, not because I need him. And vise versa. Im working on reassuring myself and self soothing myself so it’s not 100% on his shoulders nor my friends. I’ve accepted that for a couple years I’ve avoided feeling emotions by putting it on everyone else in my life. My friends deal with a three hour long call, one sided. My partner though? Constant emotion rollercoaster.
Sure, he plays a part in that. But since I’ve owned up to my actions, it’s given him the safe space to provide what a partner is meant to provide.
But sometimes it’s extremely hard to stay in the relationship and work on my toxic patterns. It’s so much easier to cut and run, but I know that behavior would just be waiting for me in the next relationship because it only seems to come up in romantic connections. My ex-boyfriend/ kind of bf (we still talk all the time and just recently broke up). He was the first person I've ever really loved and my whole life I've always been told I'm not enough or made to feel like I was difficult to love and never going to be anyones first choice. I love him so much and see the potential in him and just keep holding on to who I know he could be if he just put in a little more effort. We were friends first and I love him so much I can't imagine my life without him but I'm not someone who could fully move on with him still in my life, at least not for a while but the letting go is so hard. I feel like I hold on because I think one day he'll be able to meet my needs (even after communicating them and them not being met...)but holding on to your expectations of someone just sets you up for disappointment and sadness:') My boyfriend.
He's a toss up between a best friend and a boyfriend. We date on and off. At times it's very clear he's not a good fit for me. At times I can tell he'd be better of with another girl (like I'll meet another girl and I can tell she'd be a better fit).
But I can't let go of him because I'm codependent on him. I live with parents who mentally and emotionally abused me and made me very dependent on them financially. I'm still in the process of saving up enough money to be able to move out.
Until then, my controlling parents don't allow me freedom, and I cling to him because I don't know anyone else who would love me.
He's stated that he knows we probably aren't meant for each other, but he loves me and he can't let go of me either. He's gone on dates with other women while we were on a break (we're currently on a break, and he went on a date the other day), and no matter how sweet, cute, seductive, or pretty the other girl is, he will still think of me. It's all very complicated and I blame my parents for putting us both in this situation.
My partner and I had a rough first year together. I did that thing you’re not supposed to do: fell in love with potential. So much of who he was/is lined up with everything I wanted, yet he had a few issues he fought to recognize for quite some time. One of the primary things that stuck out to me was that he’s willing to self reflect and yearns to learn/grow. So even though he didn’t want to see these issues at first, he finally opened up and began to address them. He started seeing a therapist and we both work hard to address things, nothing is one sided here.
He’s a work in progress just like me, and now we are working in tandem, and as a team. We’ve been together 2.5 years at this point and will be moving in together soon. My boyfriend should be sainted due to putting up with me alone, then sainted a few more times for a bunch of other reasons. He is the most astonishingly kind, patient, hard working, and level-headed person I know. I am... Not those things. I am also very conflict-averse, to the point where my conflict avoidance causes me to want to run away instead of work things out. Then he will talk me down, and I start freaking out about how he "should" not want to be with me, and round and round we go.
He's always patiently explaining why my latest catastrophization is not the end of the world/reiterating tangible ways for me to feel "useful" and "reciprocal" in our relationship. I really appreciate his calm, steady presence and his emotional and practical support, but I am stunted in those aspects due to a very emotionally stunted family who left me mostly to my own devices from the age of four. I then embarked on a hard drug addiction that cemented my mental age at 19. I don't know why The most eligible bachelor I have ever known has chosen almost ten years of relationship "hard mode" over finding someone much more suitable (which he could do easily, since he is as good looking and romantic as he is good on paper), but I'm done pondering that enigma and have endeavored to appreciate it instead of fighting it.
I feel like I have this winning lottery ticket that has been taped back together and that some exasperated omniscient figure keeps pressing it back into my palm every time I scatter it to the wind. One of these times, those pieces are not going to come back together and end up back in my possession, and I need to just trust that I "won" and act appropriately appreciative rather than strangely obstinate. My partner and I have had a relatively rough year. It was our third year together and our second year living together.
We have both had thoughts of calling it quits because neither of us assumed that a long term relationship would require this level of intentional work. We did not realize that things would inevitably get difficult regardless of our peaceful treatment of each other. We’ve both learned we’re highly likely to be neurodivergent. One with what is likely to be ADHD and the other on the Autism spectrum. Learning this about ourselves, while learning about each other, while learning how to live together has been pretty challenging.
But no matter what happens we find ourselves finding common ground again, falling in love with each other in cycles, and choosing to grow together. While many emotionally entrenched conversations can be difficult, the effort on both sides is always there. We have not once yelled at each other nor cursed at each other in our three years together. We both seek to understand each other in moments where our individual perspectives lead to incorrect assumptions. We often laugh together about our emotional reactions to things within hours or days of it happening because the context behind our thought processes during those moments usually defuses any preconceived ideas that led to said emotional reactions. Overall, we’re committed to learning more about each other as well as how to grow together. We accept that we’re both wonderfully flawed humans just trying to enjoy life in a wild world. It boils down to grace and communication. I think we have the key ingredients to make this work long term for each other. But we both have to work for it. The best things in life often require hard work. I wholeheartedly believe it applies to relationships as well. Relationships are not meant to be easy. The “throwaway, swipe again” daters have not accepted that fact. When my partner and I first met we had (and still do have) different values. We had different expectations for relationships, different goals. We both had trauma that manifested in destructive ways. But the thing that impressed me enough not to call it quits was the fact that he was willing to listen. I would say "I have a problem with this aspect of our relationship" and we would sit down and he would ask me about it and he would LISTEN -- and then he would work to change his behaviour! I could see him working! That was something the other people in my life never actually did. The others apologize profusely until the cows come home but when it comes to backing up their changed perspective with changed action, most everyone else falls short. And that's assuming they can admit any fault at all. Even if he didn't fully understand where I was coming from, he didn't shut me down. He tried to understand. But even if he couldn't, he didn't try to tell me I was making no sense or that he wasn't going to change. I mean he would admit that he didn't understand it, but he still wants me to be happy and content on my own terms. So I didn't have to endlessly come up with reasons as to why my comfort level mattered. So even though there were a lot of hiccups earlier on, I had evidence and belief that we could in fact work stuff out. We were equally invested in the relationship and were willing to change our behaviour in order to better suit the other person. That kind of consideration seems uncommon. Relationships are quite a piece of work and I think both people willing to work on that together is the key. Cannot be one person putting in more than the other, which often times seems to be the case in unhappy relationships.
For me, I would stay if I generally felt strongly about the person and can see myself with them long term. I have to be able to visualize myself with them,and this can tricky, as it can lead to building up some sort of image of them not based in reality. But I think of how they have acted in previous scenarios when under distress, for example, and how that might translate in other areas. This also helps me wonder how I’d react and how they would respond, as my tendencies can be annoying at times. But you have to nail the start i think. As a disclaimer, this is just me spitballin’. I haven’t had a relationship in some time and just date and get ghosted or sleep around. Of those, the one I wanted to work on it with left. And the ones I didn’t want to stayed and I ended things. So, who knowsss. Around this time last year, my boyfriend and I were in a bit of a weird place. We had been dating for 4 months and "exclusive" for 2 (I use the quotation marks because we hadn't been dating anyone else during the whole 4 months--we just didn't put the label on it until 2 months in). I got clingy and presumptuous and he started pulling away. we did have a bit trouble communicating at first. but then we talked on the phone for 2 hours and found a happy medium. but i'm still clingy and he still needs space and we found a way to make it work where we both get our needs met. he's also opened up for me and to me, and i gave him the room to get there on his time. My SO has and has had financial issues almost the entirety of our relationship except the first 6 months. It is frustrating because it limits what we can do and emotionally it can be exhausting because I feel like I’m often in the role of being supportive through whatever the latest thing is.
I stay because none of his issues have to do with drinking, drug use, gambling, or other excessive habits. His bills are (mostly) paid and the times he has borrowed small amounts of money from me, he always pays me back. He treats me well, he is emotionally mature and has helped me with things like car repairs, small home maintenance, etc. We do not live together.
I stay because of all the frustrating things that can be deal breakers like: trauma, mental health issues, personality differences, bad habits, etc, getting a better job or something panning out financially is the easiest thing that can change and have almost immediate positive results. I also have to remind myself that we don’t live together nor do I want to, so his financial issues are not mine.
Fast forward to today. I have dated on and off the past 1.5 years culminating in a serious relationship that I have been in for around 9 months now.
The person I’m with (35F) is great. She is educated and motivated in her career, she’s goofy and funny in the best possible way and is genuinely interesting in her personality and aesthetic and I was instantly attracted to her when we met online. Things moved very fast. I was convinced if I can’t make it work with this person that I don’t want to try anymore. That I could be content being alone.
We’ve been together now for almost 9 months and recently moved in together. This was a turning point. Literally the day we moved her in was the first time I saw her living situation. I know that’s kind of crazy of me to wait till almost 7 months in but she lived in a different city at the time and would mostly come out to me to stay. When I would go out there I would meet her at work and we would go out to dinner or hang out around the city for the evening.
The one thing that stood out to me though when I finally got into her place was how much of a mess it was: her bed had stains all over it, the toilet had mold and hadn’t clearly been cleaned in ages, and her couch smelled strongly like cat pee. She told me her reason for things having gotten so out of control is because she was working and in school for her masters and couldn’t keep up with it.
Now we’ve lived together for a few months and I don’t believe that it’s true. I have yet to see her clean the litter boxes once or even do her laundry once. Almost everything that gets done is because I do it. I did tell her I would do these things though because I realized she just wasn’t going to get around to doing them and I really don’t like a messy house so I “compromised”.
Living together too has brought other things to my attention. Some of which do seem like issues and some which I am unsure of. Namely, More often than not she has a drink at least once a day. It doesn’t necessarily seem to be inhibiting her life or anything but it concerns me. The other things is how she conducts her work and financial life.
She has started school again this year and has struggled with balancing it. She is always behind on her work (which mind you she won’t get paid for until she completes and submits it), and yet she sleeps till almost noon everyday. There have also been some incidences too that make me wonder how she is doing financially. Someone tried to open a credit card in her name and it got rejected, but despite my pressing to follow up on this because it is critical she has not done anything about it.
Relationships are really hard and it has been difficult for me to judge what I am being too sensitive about or judgmental about. Every time I feel like my partner doesn't listen, care or respect me - whether that is real or perceived - I explode in anger and it just takes over me. Sometimes it lasts for days until I realize that I did the same thing I always do and then I feel regret. Often the slight is actually perceived, as my partners do actually care for me but my reaction just pushes them away. It has made romantic relationships really difficult for me and I am afraid to try dating again. I understand the problem cognitively, I think the best explanation I read so far was in a book on schema therapy by Jeffrey E. Young (it's called Reinventing Your Life and I highly recommend it). So my problem is basically that the emotional deprivation I experienced as a child keeps bleeding into my relationships. It's a feeling that I will never be heard, never be understood, that there's nobody there for me. I don't feel emotionally close to friends or family so I feel like my partners are the only ones I can open up to. But then I mess up because no matter how much they give me it never feels enough, it's a persistent feeling of deprivation in the face of clear evidence of caring.
Some people react differently to this problem but my reaction is anger - I become very blaming, demanding, and hypersensitive to signs of neglect. Or I just get cold and punish my partner with silence. The partners are not always blameless, of course, but I know this isn't a good way to solve our issues. You can see why this is a problem - I don't know that I am reacting in this way until it's too late. I have started to doubt all of my feelings because I cannot distinguish anymore if my partners are actually being neglectful and disrespectful and I am putting up healthy boundaries or if I am just falling into the same trap again, reliving emotions that come from someplace else.
I have tried to be more aware when these feelings are activated so I can take a few days, calm down and think before I react but recently I exploded again on an ex-partner and I basically felt I haven't achieved much (I do feel less shamed about it because I already know what's the problem). I am a very deep person emotionally. I feel a lot, I think a lot, and I need someone to really see me inside, to be interested in my emotional world with monitoring and care.
My partner is a good person, he is present in everyday life and most importantly: he wants to improve.
When we met, he came with emotional wounds and many difficulties in looking inward. I accompanied him a lot in that process. I helped him learn to be introspective and manage his conflicts. He has grown a lot and I appreciate that.
But today, although he tries hard and wants to continue improving, I feel like he can't reach the emotional depth that I need.
When I share what I feel, he listens to me, but he takes it as something isolated, he doesn't connect the parts or follow up. He doesn't create an emotional map with me. This leaves me alone within the bond. Many times I feel like I do all the emotional work for both of us.
It's not about guilt. He wants, I know he wants, but I feel that wanting is not enough.
Sometimes I hesitate if I ask for too much, but I know that what I need is a deeper connection, a real emotional look, not empty words or “everything is fine.” I'm exhausted, disconnected, and feel like I'm quietly fading away, even though we live together. And the hardest thing is that he doesn't notice it at all because he thinks he's doing what he can.
Does anyone else experience this? Can you live like this, knowing that the other will never connect with you in the depth you want? How do you continue when the other wants but cannot connect emotionally? Is this a form of emotional incompatibility?
Some time ago, I told him I thought I might be going through depression. He listened and hugged me, but he never brought it up again. He didn't ask how I was doing or go any deeper. I also told him about my social phobia. At the time, he seemed to empathize, but later he acts as if he doesn’t remember—putting me in situations that I’ve already told him make me feel physically unwell. It’s as if everything I shared with him carried no real weight. What hurts the most is that when something happens to him, I’m always present. I ask how he’s doing, I try to understand, stay close, even look for solutions for him. But I don’t feel the same coming from him. My friends are so eager to say it’s a trauma bond or toxic relationship, and honestly? I’m the toxic one. And this relationship has woken me up in my behavior that I got away with for so long. My last relationship, three years, well he never once complained. I could do no wrong, he put me on a pedestal. Until three years went by and it all came out. But I blamed him for holding it in and never reflected on the point I could control: my own behavior. I knew I was codependent but my god, the extent. The anxious attachment. The toxicity of my own actions as a result of these things. My partner reassures me and treats me with softness, but also points out the way I speak to him and it was hard for me to accept as a 26 y/o but it’s about time I did.
So I’m working on appreciating my partner because I want him, not because I need him. And vise versa. Im working on reassuring myself and self soothing myself so it’s not 100% on his shoulders nor my friends. I’ve accepted that for a couple years I’ve avoided feeling emotions by putting it on everyone else in my life. My friends deal with a three hour long call, one sided. My partner though? Constant emotion rollercoaster.
Sure, he plays a part in that. But since I’ve owned up to my actions, it’s given him the safe space to provide what a partner is meant to provide.
But sometimes it’s extremely hard to stay in the relationship and work on my toxic patterns. It’s so much easier to cut and run, but I know that behavior would just be waiting for me in the next relationship because it only seems to come up in romantic connections. My ex-boyfriend/ kind of bf (we still talk all the time and just recently broke up). He was the first person I've ever really loved and my whole life I've always been told I'm not enough or made to feel like I was difficult to love and never going to be anyones first choice. I love him so much and see the potential in him and just keep holding on to who I know he could be if he just put in a little more effort. We were friends first and I love him so much I can't imagine my life without him but I'm not someone who could fully move on with him still in my life, at least not for a while but the letting go is so hard. I feel like I hold on because I think one day he'll be able to meet my needs (even after communicating them and them not being met...)but holding on to your expectations of someone just sets you up for disappointment and sadness:') My boyfriend.
He's a toss up between a best friend and a boyfriend. We date on and off. At times it's very clear he's not a good fit for me. At times I can tell he'd be better of with another girl (like I'll meet another girl and I can tell she'd be a better fit).
But I can't let go of him because I'm codependent on him. I live with parents who mentally and emotionally abused me and made me very dependent on them financially. I'm still in the process of saving up enough money to be able to move out.
Until then, my controlling parents don't allow me freedom, and I cling to him because I don't know anyone else who would love me.
He's stated that he knows we probably aren't meant for each other, but he loves me and he can't let go of me either. He's gone on dates with other women while we were on a break (we're currently on a break, and he went on a date the other day), and no matter how sweet, cute, seductive, or pretty the other girl is, he will still think of me. It's all very complicated and I blame my parents for putting us both in this situation.
My partner and I had a rough first year together. I did that thing you’re not supposed to do: fell in love with potential. So much of who he was/is lined up with everything I wanted, yet he had a few issues he fought to recognize for quite some time. One of the primary things that stuck out to me was that he’s willing to self reflect and yearns to learn/grow. So even though he didn’t want to see these issues at first, he finally opened up and began to address them. He started seeing a therapist and we both work hard to address things, nothing is one sided here.
He’s a work in progress just like me, and now we are working in tandem, and as a team. We’ve been together 2.5 years at this point and will be moving in together soon. My boyfriend should be sainted due to putting up with me alone, then sainted a few more times for a bunch of other reasons. He is the most astonishingly kind, patient, hard working, and level-headed person I know. I am... Not those things. I am also very conflict-averse, to the point where my conflict avoidance causes me to want to run away instead of work things out. Then he will talk me down, and I start freaking out about how he "should" not want to be with me, and round and round we go.
He's always patiently explaining why my latest catastrophization is not the end of the world/reiterating tangible ways for me to feel "useful" and "reciprocal" in our relationship. I really appreciate his calm, steady presence and his emotional and practical support, but I am stunted in those aspects due to a very emotionally stunted family who left me mostly to my own devices from the age of four. I then embarked on a hard drug addiction that cemented my mental age at 19. I don't know why The most eligible bachelor I have ever known has chosen almost ten years of relationship "hard mode" over finding someone much more suitable (which he could do easily, since he is as good looking and romantic as he is good on paper), but I'm done pondering that enigma and have endeavored to appreciate it instead of fighting it.
I feel like I have this winning lottery ticket that has been taped back together and that some exasperated omniscient figure keeps pressing it back into my palm every time I scatter it to the wind. One of these times, those pieces are not going to come back together and end up back in my possession, and I need to just trust that I "won" and act appropriately appreciative rather than strangely obstinate. My partner and I have had a relatively rough year. It was our third year together and our second year living together.
We have both had thoughts of calling it quits because neither of us assumed that a long term relationship would require this level of intentional work. We did not realize that things would inevitably get difficult regardless of our peaceful treatment of each other. We’ve both learned we’re highly likely to be neurodivergent. One with what is likely to be ADHD and the other on the Autism spectrum. Learning this about ourselves, while learning about each other, while learning how to live together has been pretty challenging.
But no matter what happens we find ourselves finding common ground again, falling in love with each other in cycles, and choosing to grow together. While many emotionally entrenched conversations can be difficult, the effort on both sides is always there. We have not once yelled at each other nor cursed at each other in our three years together. We both seek to understand each other in moments where our individual perspectives lead to incorrect assumptions. We often laugh together about our emotional reactions to things within hours or days of it happening because the context behind our thought processes during those moments usually defuses any preconceived ideas that led to said emotional reactions. Overall, we’re committed to learning more about each other as well as how to grow together. We accept that we’re both wonderfully flawed humans just trying to enjoy life in a wild world. It boils down to grace and communication. I think we have the key ingredients to make this work long term for each other. But we both have to work for it. The best things in life often require hard work. I wholeheartedly believe it applies to relationships as well. Relationships are not meant to be easy. The “throwaway, swipe again” daters have not accepted that fact. When my partner and I first met we had (and still do have) different values. We had different expectations for relationships, different goals. We both had trauma that manifested in destructive ways. But the thing that impressed me enough not to call it quits was the fact that he was willing to listen. I would say "I have a problem with this aspect of our relationship" and we would sit down and he would ask me about it and he would LISTEN -- and then he would work to change his behaviour! I could see him working! That was something the other people in my life never actually did. The others apologize profusely until the cows come home but when it comes to backing up their changed perspective with changed action, most everyone else falls short. And that's assuming they can admit any fault at all. Even if he didn't fully understand where I was coming from, he didn't shut me down. He tried to understand. But even if he couldn't, he didn't try to tell me I was making no sense or that he wasn't going to change. I mean he would admit that he didn't understand it, but he still wants me to be happy and content on my own terms. So I didn't have to endlessly come up with reasons as to why my comfort level mattered. So even though there were a lot of hiccups earlier on, I had evidence and belief that we could in fact work stuff out. We were equally invested in the relationship and were willing to change our behaviour in order to better suit the other person. That kind of consideration seems uncommon. Relationships are quite a piece of work and I think both people willing to work on that together is the key. Cannot be one person putting in more than the other, which often times seems to be the case in unhappy relationships.
For me, I would stay if I generally felt strongly about the person and can see myself with them long term. I have to be able to visualize myself with them,and this can tricky, as it can lead to building up some sort of image of them not based in reality. But I think of how they have acted in previous scenarios when under distress, for example, and how that might translate in other areas. This also helps me wonder how I’d react and how they would respond, as my tendencies can be annoying at times. But you have to nail the start i think. As a disclaimer, this is just me spitballin’. I haven’t had a relationship in some time and just date and get ghosted or sleep around. Of those, the one I wanted to work on it with left. And the ones I didn’t want to stayed and I ended things. So, who knowsss. Around this time last year, my boyfriend and I were in a bit of a weird place. We had been dating for 4 months and "exclusive" for 2 (I use the quotation marks because we hadn't been dating anyone else during the whole 4 months--we just didn't put the label on it until 2 months in). I got clingy and presumptuous and he started pulling away. we did have a bit trouble communicating at first. but then we talked on the phone for 2 hours and found a happy medium. but i'm still clingy and he still needs space and we found a way to make it work where we both get our needs met. he's also opened up for me and to me, and i gave him the room to get there on his time. My SO has and has had financial issues almost the entirety of our relationship except the first 6 months. It is frustrating because it limits what we can do and emotionally it can be exhausting because I feel like I’m often in the role of being supportive through whatever the latest thing is.
I stay because none of his issues have to do with drinking, drug use, gambling, or other excessive habits. His bills are (mostly) paid and the times he has borrowed small amounts of money from me, he always pays me back. He treats me well, he is emotionally mature and has helped me with things like car repairs, small home maintenance, etc. We do not live together.
I stay because of all the frustrating things that can be deal breakers like: trauma, mental health issues, personality differences, bad habits, etc, getting a better job or something panning out financially is the easiest thing that can change and have almost immediate positive results. I also have to remind myself that we don’t live together nor do I want to, so his financial issues are not mine.
