Do you have a hard time making and offering personal amends with people whom you've personnally hurt in the past?
When was the last time you gave or received an apology?
How successful was it? Did the apology soothe hurt feelings or remedy the situation? Or was it defensive, halfhearted and insincere — only making things worse?
In “How to Apologize Like You Mean It,” Jancee Dunn shares six steps for making amends:
Most of us can remember receiving an unsatisfying apology. A friend of mine recently got a text message after a Bumble date stood her up: “Sry,” it read. (“He didn’t even spell out the whole word,” she told me.)
When my kid was in preschool, an email arrived in my inbox. “Sorry your daughter was bitten,” it said. (The sender’s child had done the biting.
Why is it so hard to apologize? Why do so many of us get it wrong? Saying you’re sorry involves vulnerability, said Lisa Leopold, a researcher who studies apologies.
“We also have to admit our own wrongdoing, our own failings,” she added, “and that requires tremendous humility.”
But it’s worth making the effort, Leopold said. A meta-analysis of 175 studies found that apologies did, indeed, influence forgiveness. Other research suggests that apologies can benefit the giver as well as the receiver by reducing guilt, fostering self-compassion and strengthening relationships.
But not all apologies are equal. For a show of remorse to be truly effective, it should be focused on the other person’s feelings and needs, not your own, said Karina Schumann, an associate professor of social psychology and head of the Conflict Resolution Lab at the University of Pittsburgh who researches the topic.
Ms. Dunn says that while the ingredients of a successful apology can vary, there are six that many experts agree on, such as “acknowledge any harm you’ve caused” and “offer to repair."
Here are the first two tips:
Express regret.
Do not say “I want to apologize,” or “I would like to apologize,” Leopold said. “A lot of people use that language,” she explained, but expressing a desire isn’t as effective as apologizing. Instead, simply say “I apologize,” or “I’m sorry,” she said.
Using an “I” statement strengthens your apology by taking responsibility, Leopold said. “I’m sorry for my outburst this morning,” for example, is more effective than saying “that shouldn’t have happened.”
Explain — but keep it brief.
Being specific about what you’ve done can make the other person feel understood, said Beth Polin, an associate professor of management at Eastern Kentucky University, who studies apologies. But, she added, you should keep it sincere and short.
Skip justifications and excuses, she said, because an apology “should not be to make us feel better or defend our actions.”
And while you are explaining, Leopold said, avoid conditional words like “but,” which can weaken the apology (“I apologize for the delay, but I had multiple deadlines to meet”).
“If” is another conditional that helps us dodge responsibility. “‘I apologize if I offended anybody’ implies that there may have been no victims and hence, no transgression,” Leopold said.
My students, read the entire article and then tell us:
How good are you at apologizing? Do you feel comfortable saying sorry? Or do you usually give self-serving, defensive and excuse-filled apologies? Have you ever given one when you didn’t really “mean it”?
What makes a “successful” apology? What’s the best one you have ever given or received? How did it help to repair or remedy the situation?
What makes an “unsatisfying” apology? What’s the worst one you have ever given or received? Why was it so bad?
What do you think of the six tips for a successful apology offered in the essay? Which, if any, would you like to incorporate into your own future acts of contrition? What are your dos and don’ts for saying sorry?
Ms. Dunn writes that apologies can benefit the giver as well as the receiver by “reducing guilt, fostering self-compassion and strengthening relationships.” Do you agree? What value do you see in genuine apologies?
After reading the article, do you think you are more likely to give a sincere and meaningful apology in the future?
How successful was it? Did the apology soothe hurt feelings or remedy the situation? Or was it defensive, halfhearted and insincere — only making things worse?
In “How to Apologize Like You Mean It,” Jancee Dunn shares six steps for making amends:
Most of us can remember receiving an unsatisfying apology. A friend of mine recently got a text message after a Bumble date stood her up: “Sry,” it read. (“He didn’t even spell out the whole word,” she told me.)
When my kid was in preschool, an email arrived in my inbox. “Sorry your daughter was bitten,” it said. (The sender’s child had done the biting.
Why is it so hard to apologize? Why do so many of us get it wrong? Saying you’re sorry involves vulnerability, said Lisa Leopold, a researcher who studies apologies.
“We also have to admit our own wrongdoing, our own failings,” she added, “and that requires tremendous humility.”
But it’s worth making the effort, Leopold said. A meta-analysis of 175 studies found that apologies did, indeed, influence forgiveness. Other research suggests that apologies can benefit the giver as well as the receiver by reducing guilt, fostering self-compassion and strengthening relationships.
But not all apologies are equal. For a show of remorse to be truly effective, it should be focused on the other person’s feelings and needs, not your own, said Karina Schumann, an associate professor of social psychology and head of the Conflict Resolution Lab at the University of Pittsburgh who researches the topic.
Ms. Dunn says that while the ingredients of a successful apology can vary, there are six that many experts agree on, such as “acknowledge any harm you’ve caused” and “offer to repair."
Here are the first two tips:
Express regret.
Do not say “I want to apologize,” or “I would like to apologize,” Leopold said. “A lot of people use that language,” she explained, but expressing a desire isn’t as effective as apologizing. Instead, simply say “I apologize,” or “I’m sorry,” she said.
Using an “I” statement strengthens your apology by taking responsibility, Leopold said. “I’m sorry for my outburst this morning,” for example, is more effective than saying “that shouldn’t have happened.”
Explain — but keep it brief.
Being specific about what you’ve done can make the other person feel understood, said Beth Polin, an associate professor of management at Eastern Kentucky University, who studies apologies. But, she added, you should keep it sincere and short.
Skip justifications and excuses, she said, because an apology “should not be to make us feel better or defend our actions.”
And while you are explaining, Leopold said, avoid conditional words like “but,” which can weaken the apology (“I apologize for the delay, but I had multiple deadlines to meet”).
“If” is another conditional that helps us dodge responsibility. “‘I apologize if I offended anybody’ implies that there may have been no victims and hence, no transgression,” Leopold said.
My students, read the entire article and then tell us:
How good are you at apologizing? Do you feel comfortable saying sorry? Or do you usually give self-serving, defensive and excuse-filled apologies? Have you ever given one when you didn’t really “mean it”?
What makes a “successful” apology? What’s the best one you have ever given or received? How did it help to repair or remedy the situation?
What makes an “unsatisfying” apology? What’s the worst one you have ever given or received? Why was it so bad?
What do you think of the six tips for a successful apology offered in the essay? Which, if any, would you like to incorporate into your own future acts of contrition? What are your dos and don’ts for saying sorry?
Ms. Dunn writes that apologies can benefit the giver as well as the receiver by “reducing guilt, fostering self-compassion and strengthening relationships.” Do you agree? What value do you see in genuine apologies?
After reading the article, do you think you are more likely to give a sincere and meaningful apology in the future?
