How do you feel when someone gives you the cold shoulder?
Do you hit back and do you react or do you let it slide? What are your opinions on one's partner using the cold shoulder as punishment.
I saw this on an episode of a TV show where one character suggests giving her partner the cold shoulder treatment.
My friends + others have called it abusive. Curious on what your stances are.
E: What I mean is ignoring one's partner as a form of punishment and not a cooling off period before a discussion. Hw do you react to the cold shoulder treatment?
Went out for a cpl hours last night and im getting the silent/cold shoulder this morning. I've decided to just go through my day and just let her be upset because there is nothing I can say to make her feel any better and I didn't do anything wrong. How do you usually respond to this kind of treatment? Normal people will give you the cold shoulder if they feel wronged by you or are angry at you or if they want you to go away. Characters in movies and TV do it all the time. In fact it's considered a healthy and appropriate response to someone who has disrespected you.
Narcs like to give the cold shoulder too. They are notorious for their hot & cold cycles. But the difference is that when a Narc does it, there isn't any logic to it. It's like 2 + 2 = 5. There isn't a reason you can point to to explain why they are ignoring you. You feel confused and you go back over your last interactions with them, searching for any small clue to explain what the problem is. If you confront them about it they will likely deny that anything is the matter, adding further to your confusion. It feels like a door has been shut in your face. Part of this I suspect is so that they can pull your strings and make you chase after them for reassurance and to try and "fix" whatever is wrong (they love when we do this!).
If a normal person is ignoring you, you will almost always know why. Even if you think their reason is ridiculous, you will know what it is. Even when a normal person is cold shouldering you, you still know where you stand with them. Their iciness might hurt, but it doesn't cause you to feel completely bewildered and unable to get answers.
With a Narc, it's the silent treatment, which is a deliberate weapon used to destroy someone else's peace of mind. It's passive aggressive, toxic and cruel, especially as they know that you don't understand what's happening. They leave you in the dark, watching you flail around, groping for the light switch. They see that you are hurt and eager to make things right with them, and still they withhold communication.
It helped me to realize if I sense that someone, especially a relatively new person in my life, is ignoring me and there is no logical reason for it, and they shut down communication about what's wrong, or they deny it while continuing to treat me coldly, that is a red flag for a Narcissist. Why do I give people the “cold shoulder” if I was completely comfortable with them the day before?
I don’t know if this necessarily has to do with being autistic, but sometimes I’ll be comfortable and happy with someone one day then basically ignore them the next. I really don’t like doing it, but it feels like I freeze if they ask me anything. This could also be from unknown trauma (noticed I regularly do it with men) but does could anyone put an explication with it if not? By the way, if they initiate the conversation it could either help me open up again or I’d reply one word. Please help? I really care for this person and they have been my rock throughout some tough times. But almost overnight they stopped texting me and never ask to meet up. They will reply to me if I text them for the most part, but it tends to be short direct replies.
I called them to see if I could get to the bottom of the issue but they shut off when I mentioned that they were acting strangely. I managed to carry on the conversation and we had a chat like normal, but now they're back to virtual radio silence.
I honestly can't think of anything I've done to cause this, and I can't sort out any misunderstanding if I don't know what it is. They are acting completely normal, even happy, in the group chats we are both a member of. So I'm assuming it's not just that they are busy or have something else they are dealing with.
I'm going to try to carry on with my life and see if they 'warm up' of their own accord, because I feel like I've made an effort to try to bridge the gap for the moment.
I just feel really hurt, like someone I trust is trying to punish me for something I don't even know I've done. I wanted to vent here because I just feel so sad and angry. I feel like this is not how you treat a friend. I usually do an annual mental health checkup with my therapist just to make sure everything's tidy and how to address my current mental state.
Last time I talked to him, my relationship with my (now) ex was crumbling but wasn't in the unfixable zone. Since that talk she has basically weaponized the cold shoulder treatment (I'm not talking 1-2 days... like towards the end it was like 5 days+) as some form of punishment. It was causing my anxiety (which she knows I have) to spiral and I hit my breaking point and walked.
So I described all of this to my therapist during our annual checkup and he said that leaving was the smartest idea and that the cold shoulder treatment is straight up emotional abuse.
That statement got me thinking- I've seen with some other people in my life where the go NC with each other just to get some space and gather their thoughts. So when does this "cold shoulder" treatment become abuse? My crush once sat next to me in visual design class for few days because the PC of the spot she usually sat at won't turn on. I still remember the sudden rush of euphoria and anxiety as I looked up after I just logged in and there she was, I imagined it was such a good opportunity to get to know her and maybe we'll become very good friends. I initially chatted with her in a joyfully awkward manner, but I felt I was making a fool of myself, soon I started to say things I didn't mean. The last day I sat with her, she approached the seat beside me and I run my mouth "What a shame you're sitting here again", she looked at me and didn't say anything, instead she pushed the chair back and decided to approach another seat. Afterwards I felt relieved and ugly inside, and I question to this day why I said what I said, this is the worst case of cognitive dissonance I'll ever have
I'm a 22 year old female college student. I've chosen not to date anyone this year; I'm dealing with some personal issues that I feel are keeping me from being a decent partner and I feel guilty for dragging some guys through it in the past. Whenever I make a new male friend, the same thing happens: I have relatively sophisticated taste in music/books/films/etc and I can hold my end of a decent conversation on art, politics, what have you. I'm also not heinous to look at. So guys that click with me on a friendship level are rarely satisfied with that. When it becomes apparent that they aren't going to get to date/sleep with me, they turn very cold. They stop speaking to me, often times get downright hostile. The most frustrating part is that most of the time they don't even muster up the nerve to ask me out, they just figure they're not getting anywhere and suddenly start acting this way. I'm not perfect, but I treat my friends well, and I just can't imagine anything I've said or done that warrants the kind of treatment I receive from some of these guys.
It really hurts, getting treated like a pariah by so many people that I like and respect to whom I've been nothing but kind and supportive. I'm not trying to generalize all men as doing this, but its happened so consistently that I feel like its a common enough issue to ask about here. My question to you, is do you notice yourself or your friends acting this way towards female friends ever? Are men who do this even aware of it, and do they realize how much it sucks for us? Do they feel justified in this behavior, and why? We've been friends for 5 years and also co-workers. I used to think we were close but in the past 6 months or so we seem to be clashing a lot and I'm not sure why. My friend is the type of person who gives people the cold shoulder when she's angry, I've seen her do it to others at work and she's told me she does it to her friends and partner too. She doesn't tell people when she's mad at them just "takes space" forca while and tells other people she's mad at the person which i assume is happening to me atm too.
I don't like being treated that way, and the first time it happened between us she ignored me for a day and a half until I confronted her about it and tried to talk things out (she thought I had made a face at her and was giving her attitude, I think she had misunderstood my expression as we were just talking about lunch plans). I told her she can always talk to me if somethings wrong but I guess she doesn't feel that way because it keeps happening.
I had covid the last two weeks and was sick at home. The last time I saw her everything seemed fine but when I came back to work yesterday she was in cold shoulder mode again. I know I shouldn't immediately assume it has something to do with me but its hard not to think that when she acts normal to everyone else.
And honestly even if its not me I'm still a little hurt? My other coworkers said hey welcome back or glad you're feeling better but the person I thought was my friend acted like she couldn't care less, one word response to my greeting and turned her back to me.
She spent the morning chatting with people then hours later she made a comment to me about finally eating her breakfast but by that point I was pretty hurt and not interested in talking about her breakfast. Well now she's insulted by that and still ignoring me today. Its the same as the other times, cold shoulder directed at me specifically then she comes around acting normal again but this time I'm not having it. Since she doesn't want to talk about whatever the issue is I'm trying to set a boundary by being polite but not friendly to show her I'm not ok with this but she takes it as an insult. Can anyone please give me some advice how to deal with this? I'm sad but ready to let the friendship go, but she's also my coworker and I have to see her everyday. Its also awkward because everyone knows us as being close friends and I hear her telling people I'm ignoring her when she is the one ignoring me in the first place. So stupid but this is my life right now.
My girlfriend has been really distant the past few days. She’s been in florida on vacation for a few weeks and has been really good with communication. For a week of that I was in Hilton Head also on vacation so we tried to talk as much as possible. Well for the past week I’ve been home she’s been flat out ignoring me or being very simple in her responses after a week of normal responses. Yesterday I asked her where she was going as she snapped me in a car because I was curious as to what she’s doing. She proceeded to turn off her location, not talk to me, and all around just act like I don’t exist. I don’t know how to handle this as it’s my first relationship and she’s my everything. I (30M) recently reconnected with my (30F) ex from the 7th grade. I came across her instagram so I decided to follow her without thinking much of it other than we used to be "boyfriend girlfriend" when we were kids so it didn't really count. We started catching up and began relearning about each other which was nice. It turns out we are almost exactly the same type of person and relate on so many different levels. I honestly don't even remember how she was when we were kids so it was like I was meeting someone new except I already knew what she looked like. I started to really enjoy talking and playing video games with her for hours to a point where I got the little heart flutters from the little quirky things she was doing. Unbeknownst to her I started to feel something a little more than friends HOWEVER, she has a boyfriend. I knew she had a boyfriend but I didn't think it would be an issue for me when we started to catch up because I didn't see her in that light until I started to get to know her again. We were messaging each other back and forth in our typical goofy manner until she brought up her boyfriend which made me feel jealous to a point where I realized this can't be good for me. I immediately started to respond shorter and shorter until I gave one word answers and eventually gave her the cold shoulder over night. I didn't give her an explanation or anything when she asked "are you okay?" due to my swift demeanor change but I'm not doing it because I'm upset with her or anything like that. I'm doing it because I want to protect myself from getting hurt. I don't know why I don't feel inclined to tell her or if it's an asshole move if I don't, but I want to just leave it as is as if we never reconnected again. I've been given the cold shoulder out of the blue and after doing it myself, I'm wondering if this is what's been happening to me. Is this a common thing to do?
I’ve (33F ) known a girl we will call Rachel (35F) since I was about 17. We hung around the same party friend group in high school. We became close in my mid 20s hanging out beyond the partying. When I went through a painful breakup we got super close. I will say she was my weekend warrior and we spoke every day. When it came to talking about emotional, deep things, I always noticed she would cut those conversations quick. She is all about “good vibes” so she doesn’t want to hear about your breakup with your bf of 8 years, or that someone passed away.
If you bring up something that happened to you months later, she will question why you are still hung up on it, and tell you you sound bitter. I also caught her in a web of spreading gossip one day, and it really made me sad because I thought highly of her. When I found out my ex was having a baby after we just broke up she told me I was “bitter and pathetic” for caring.
I get tough love works but know your audience. It doesn’t work for all. Meanwhile these many years she’s always had guys ghost her and hasn’t had a bf maybe since she was 20 and it was a short one of a few months. I am always here for her when she vents about another man ghosting her but in reality it gets old. However friendship doesn’t dismiss the valid feelings of others. Recently she bought a new house and I was stoked for her until I realized her attitude totally changed. Now every convo is “well I can’t date losers now because I’m a homeowner” or “I have to be responsible because you know I’m a homeowner” lately she’s also gone super quiet on me not responding to my texts checking in saying hello. But she’ll snap chat her life away. I have had the same partner for 2 years now so I sense some weird jealousy?
A while back, there's this new girl in my economics class. She has this happy and overly positive personality that absolutely irks me. She would always be going around screaming and cheering, talking to people like they have known each other for years and would constantly show that she is on the moral high ground / good person during discussions.
I'm not sure if my annoyance towards her clouds my judgement, but sometimes I really feel that she is just "faking" and is a hypocrite.
I have never been rude towards her, but is always politely distant despite her multiple attempts to chat or hang out with me. Whenever she tries to engage me in conversation or get me to join her for something, I would always just give the generic fake smile and reply with short answers that absolutely don't inspire conversations.
So recently, I'm forcefully assigned to the same group as her project, and during one of the team discussions where we were talking about pairing for some task, she causally mentioned that she knows I hate her (which is absolutely not true tbh, I'm just extremely annoyed but she didn't have any reason for me to hate her), and even though I immediately response along the lines of "of course not" and "why would I", and we later all dismissed that as a joke, my team members have expressed concerns over it, and kind of looked at me like a monster because who doesn't love a sweet girl like her. I guess what I'm asking is, is it wrong off me to not make any attempt to friend someone even if I didn't ignore her and have even been respectful toward her?
I saw this on an episode of a TV show where one character suggests giving her partner the cold shoulder treatment.
My friends + others have called it abusive. Curious on what your stances are.
E: What I mean is ignoring one's partner as a form of punishment and not a cooling off period before a discussion. Hw do you react to the cold shoulder treatment?
Went out for a cpl hours last night and im getting the silent/cold shoulder this morning. I've decided to just go through my day and just let her be upset because there is nothing I can say to make her feel any better and I didn't do anything wrong. How do you usually respond to this kind of treatment? Normal people will give you the cold shoulder if they feel wronged by you or are angry at you or if they want you to go away. Characters in movies and TV do it all the time. In fact it's considered a healthy and appropriate response to someone who has disrespected you.
Narcs like to give the cold shoulder too. They are notorious for their hot & cold cycles. But the difference is that when a Narc does it, there isn't any logic to it. It's like 2 + 2 = 5. There isn't a reason you can point to to explain why they are ignoring you. You feel confused and you go back over your last interactions with them, searching for any small clue to explain what the problem is. If you confront them about it they will likely deny that anything is the matter, adding further to your confusion. It feels like a door has been shut in your face. Part of this I suspect is so that they can pull your strings and make you chase after them for reassurance and to try and "fix" whatever is wrong (they love when we do this!).
If a normal person is ignoring you, you will almost always know why. Even if you think their reason is ridiculous, you will know what it is. Even when a normal person is cold shouldering you, you still know where you stand with them. Their iciness might hurt, but it doesn't cause you to feel completely bewildered and unable to get answers.
With a Narc, it's the silent treatment, which is a deliberate weapon used to destroy someone else's peace of mind. It's passive aggressive, toxic and cruel, especially as they know that you don't understand what's happening. They leave you in the dark, watching you flail around, groping for the light switch. They see that you are hurt and eager to make things right with them, and still they withhold communication.
It helped me to realize if I sense that someone, especially a relatively new person in my life, is ignoring me and there is no logical reason for it, and they shut down communication about what's wrong, or they deny it while continuing to treat me coldly, that is a red flag for a Narcissist. Why do I give people the “cold shoulder” if I was completely comfortable with them the day before?
I don’t know if this necessarily has to do with being autistic, but sometimes I’ll be comfortable and happy with someone one day then basically ignore them the next. I really don’t like doing it, but it feels like I freeze if they ask me anything. This could also be from unknown trauma (noticed I regularly do it with men) but does could anyone put an explication with it if not? By the way, if they initiate the conversation it could either help me open up again or I’d reply one word. Please help? I really care for this person and they have been my rock throughout some tough times. But almost overnight they stopped texting me and never ask to meet up. They will reply to me if I text them for the most part, but it tends to be short direct replies.
I called them to see if I could get to the bottom of the issue but they shut off when I mentioned that they were acting strangely. I managed to carry on the conversation and we had a chat like normal, but now they're back to virtual radio silence.
I honestly can't think of anything I've done to cause this, and I can't sort out any misunderstanding if I don't know what it is. They are acting completely normal, even happy, in the group chats we are both a member of. So I'm assuming it's not just that they are busy or have something else they are dealing with.
I'm going to try to carry on with my life and see if they 'warm up' of their own accord, because I feel like I've made an effort to try to bridge the gap for the moment.
I just feel really hurt, like someone I trust is trying to punish me for something I don't even know I've done. I wanted to vent here because I just feel so sad and angry. I feel like this is not how you treat a friend. I usually do an annual mental health checkup with my therapist just to make sure everything's tidy and how to address my current mental state.
Last time I talked to him, my relationship with my (now) ex was crumbling but wasn't in the unfixable zone. Since that talk she has basically weaponized the cold shoulder treatment (I'm not talking 1-2 days... like towards the end it was like 5 days+) as some form of punishment. It was causing my anxiety (which she knows I have) to spiral and I hit my breaking point and walked.
So I described all of this to my therapist during our annual checkup and he said that leaving was the smartest idea and that the cold shoulder treatment is straight up emotional abuse.
That statement got me thinking- I've seen with some other people in my life where the go NC with each other just to get some space and gather their thoughts. So when does this "cold shoulder" treatment become abuse? My crush once sat next to me in visual design class for few days because the PC of the spot she usually sat at won't turn on. I still remember the sudden rush of euphoria and anxiety as I looked up after I just logged in and there she was, I imagined it was such a good opportunity to get to know her and maybe we'll become very good friends. I initially chatted with her in a joyfully awkward manner, but I felt I was making a fool of myself, soon I started to say things I didn't mean. The last day I sat with her, she approached the seat beside me and I run my mouth "What a shame you're sitting here again", she looked at me and didn't say anything, instead she pushed the chair back and decided to approach another seat. Afterwards I felt relieved and ugly inside, and I question to this day why I said what I said, this is the worst case of cognitive dissonance I'll ever have
I'm a 22 year old female college student. I've chosen not to date anyone this year; I'm dealing with some personal issues that I feel are keeping me from being a decent partner and I feel guilty for dragging some guys through it in the past. Whenever I make a new male friend, the same thing happens: I have relatively sophisticated taste in music/books/films/etc and I can hold my end of a decent conversation on art, politics, what have you. I'm also not heinous to look at. So guys that click with me on a friendship level are rarely satisfied with that. When it becomes apparent that they aren't going to get to date/sleep with me, they turn very cold. They stop speaking to me, often times get downright hostile. The most frustrating part is that most of the time they don't even muster up the nerve to ask me out, they just figure they're not getting anywhere and suddenly start acting this way. I'm not perfect, but I treat my friends well, and I just can't imagine anything I've said or done that warrants the kind of treatment I receive from some of these guys.
It really hurts, getting treated like a pariah by so many people that I like and respect to whom I've been nothing but kind and supportive. I'm not trying to generalize all men as doing this, but its happened so consistently that I feel like its a common enough issue to ask about here. My question to you, is do you notice yourself or your friends acting this way towards female friends ever? Are men who do this even aware of it, and do they realize how much it sucks for us? Do they feel justified in this behavior, and why? We've been friends for 5 years and also co-workers. I used to think we were close but in the past 6 months or so we seem to be clashing a lot and I'm not sure why. My friend is the type of person who gives people the cold shoulder when she's angry, I've seen her do it to others at work and she's told me she does it to her friends and partner too. She doesn't tell people when she's mad at them just "takes space" forca while and tells other people she's mad at the person which i assume is happening to me atm too.
I don't like being treated that way, and the first time it happened between us she ignored me for a day and a half until I confronted her about it and tried to talk things out (she thought I had made a face at her and was giving her attitude, I think she had misunderstood my expression as we were just talking about lunch plans). I told her she can always talk to me if somethings wrong but I guess she doesn't feel that way because it keeps happening.
I had covid the last two weeks and was sick at home. The last time I saw her everything seemed fine but when I came back to work yesterday she was in cold shoulder mode again. I know I shouldn't immediately assume it has something to do with me but its hard not to think that when she acts normal to everyone else.
And honestly even if its not me I'm still a little hurt? My other coworkers said hey welcome back or glad you're feeling better but the person I thought was my friend acted like she couldn't care less, one word response to my greeting and turned her back to me.
She spent the morning chatting with people then hours later she made a comment to me about finally eating her breakfast but by that point I was pretty hurt and not interested in talking about her breakfast. Well now she's insulted by that and still ignoring me today. Its the same as the other times, cold shoulder directed at me specifically then she comes around acting normal again but this time I'm not having it. Since she doesn't want to talk about whatever the issue is I'm trying to set a boundary by being polite but not friendly to show her I'm not ok with this but she takes it as an insult. Can anyone please give me some advice how to deal with this? I'm sad but ready to let the friendship go, but she's also my coworker and I have to see her everyday. Its also awkward because everyone knows us as being close friends and I hear her telling people I'm ignoring her when she is the one ignoring me in the first place. So stupid but this is my life right now.
My girlfriend has been really distant the past few days. She’s been in florida on vacation for a few weeks and has been really good with communication. For a week of that I was in Hilton Head also on vacation so we tried to talk as much as possible. Well for the past week I’ve been home she’s been flat out ignoring me or being very simple in her responses after a week of normal responses. Yesterday I asked her where she was going as she snapped me in a car because I was curious as to what she’s doing. She proceeded to turn off her location, not talk to me, and all around just act like I don’t exist. I don’t know how to handle this as it’s my first relationship and she’s my everything. I (30M) recently reconnected with my (30F) ex from the 7th grade. I came across her instagram so I decided to follow her without thinking much of it other than we used to be "boyfriend girlfriend" when we were kids so it didn't really count. We started catching up and began relearning about each other which was nice. It turns out we are almost exactly the same type of person and relate on so many different levels. I honestly don't even remember how she was when we were kids so it was like I was meeting someone new except I already knew what she looked like. I started to really enjoy talking and playing video games with her for hours to a point where I got the little heart flutters from the little quirky things she was doing. Unbeknownst to her I started to feel something a little more than friends HOWEVER, she has a boyfriend. I knew she had a boyfriend but I didn't think it would be an issue for me when we started to catch up because I didn't see her in that light until I started to get to know her again. We were messaging each other back and forth in our typical goofy manner until she brought up her boyfriend which made me feel jealous to a point where I realized this can't be good for me. I immediately started to respond shorter and shorter until I gave one word answers and eventually gave her the cold shoulder over night. I didn't give her an explanation or anything when she asked "are you okay?" due to my swift demeanor change but I'm not doing it because I'm upset with her or anything like that. I'm doing it because I want to protect myself from getting hurt. I don't know why I don't feel inclined to tell her or if it's an asshole move if I don't, but I want to just leave it as is as if we never reconnected again. I've been given the cold shoulder out of the blue and after doing it myself, I'm wondering if this is what's been happening to me. Is this a common thing to do?
I’ve (33F ) known a girl we will call Rachel (35F) since I was about 17. We hung around the same party friend group in high school. We became close in my mid 20s hanging out beyond the partying. When I went through a painful breakup we got super close. I will say she was my weekend warrior and we spoke every day. When it came to talking about emotional, deep things, I always noticed she would cut those conversations quick. She is all about “good vibes” so she doesn’t want to hear about your breakup with your bf of 8 years, or that someone passed away.
If you bring up something that happened to you months later, she will question why you are still hung up on it, and tell you you sound bitter. I also caught her in a web of spreading gossip one day, and it really made me sad because I thought highly of her. When I found out my ex was having a baby after we just broke up she told me I was “bitter and pathetic” for caring.
I get tough love works but know your audience. It doesn’t work for all. Meanwhile these many years she’s always had guys ghost her and hasn’t had a bf maybe since she was 20 and it was a short one of a few months. I am always here for her when she vents about another man ghosting her but in reality it gets old. However friendship doesn’t dismiss the valid feelings of others. Recently she bought a new house and I was stoked for her until I realized her attitude totally changed. Now every convo is “well I can’t date losers now because I’m a homeowner” or “I have to be responsible because you know I’m a homeowner” lately she’s also gone super quiet on me not responding to my texts checking in saying hello. But she’ll snap chat her life away. I have had the same partner for 2 years now so I sense some weird jealousy?
A while back, there's this new girl in my economics class. She has this happy and overly positive personality that absolutely irks me. She would always be going around screaming and cheering, talking to people like they have known each other for years and would constantly show that she is on the moral high ground / good person during discussions.
I'm not sure if my annoyance towards her clouds my judgement, but sometimes I really feel that she is just "faking" and is a hypocrite.
I have never been rude towards her, but is always politely distant despite her multiple attempts to chat or hang out with me. Whenever she tries to engage me in conversation or get me to join her for something, I would always just give the generic fake smile and reply with short answers that absolutely don't inspire conversations.
So recently, I'm forcefully assigned to the same group as her project, and during one of the team discussions where we were talking about pairing for some task, she causally mentioned that she knows I hate her (which is absolutely not true tbh, I'm just extremely annoyed but she didn't have any reason for me to hate her), and even though I immediately response along the lines of "of course not" and "why would I", and we later all dismissed that as a joke, my team members have expressed concerns over it, and kind of looked at me like a monster because who doesn't love a sweet girl like her. I guess what I'm asking is, is it wrong off me to not make any attempt to friend someone even if I didn't ignore her and have even been respectful toward her?
