Do people ever leave you feeling perplexed?
What do you do when you are perplexed in life? What is something about life that perplexes you? I am confused about what I really want to do in life. How do I clear this confusion? I’ve been nc with my nex for a couple weeks now and during that time I’ve been replaying parts of our relationship over in my head and I began to notice a pattern. I was often accompanied by a feeling that can only be expressed as confusion after every single one of our arguments. I can recall us starting an argument about one thing and by the end of it we were fighting about a completely separate issue totally unrelated to why it began in the first place and I would think to myself “what the fuck just happened?”
Did anyone else experience this? I (23f) am so confused about how I feel about my boyfriend (25m). We've been dating for about two months, and he doesn't know that I'm feeling this way about him. One day I'm in love with him, and I'm so, so happy to be with him, and the next, everything he does and says annoys me, and I start hyper-analyzing his flaws. I don't understand why I feel this way? He's honestly so sweet and kind and makes me feel so loved, and I know I'm so lucky to be with him, but my feelings fluctuate so often, and then I start overthinking everything. Has anyone else ever felt this way? What should I do? I know it's not fair to him, and he deserves better, but I also really like being with him and don't want to leave him/don't know how to explain this to him. Am I just a bad person? Back in October I met a girl who was emotionally unstable, and didn't realize that she wasn't ready for another relationship until she was in one with me. I asked if her she wanted to make it official and without hesitation said yes. Shortly into the relationship she kept telling me how unsure she was about the relationship because of how she had been hurt in the past, (which should have been a huge red flag to me to end it myself) so I just tried to console her and tell her that I was not him and just because things ended badly with him that they wouldn't go the same way with me. She ended it after only 3 weeks.
Back in January at the beginning of my final college semester I met another girl who was just as into me as I was into her and we confessed feelings for each other in February. However, she expressed her concern about where things would go after we graduated and went our separate ways. The issue was compounded when the quarantine went into effect in March and only saw each other about once a month after that. I explained that if we both wanted it we could make it happen. Over the course of the 4 months that we talked she stated a couple more times how confused she was, that she wanted something with me but wasn't sure how things would work out for her since she attempted long-distance in the past. (again should have been a sign to me.) Even though I was only about 2.5 hrs. from her and told her I could see her every weekend, she wasn't buying it. If somebody wants you they are going to put in the effort into making if happen. Not drag things out and wonder how things will play out. Find somebody who is willing to do anything to see you and put in just as much effort into you as you want to put into them. If I'm with my friends or family, (28 male), I just kind of feel like a kid. Nobody assigns me any responsibility and I always have to ask what I'm supposed to be doing or what's happening all the time. I almost become numbed and overloaded by all the talking so people will lead me along like I'm a bit slow.
I laugh on the outside to hide my pain, but internally I feel so humiliated and left out.
I'll often resort to just exploring the area while daydreaming and come up to someone every now and then to make a dumb joke, then bail out before we have to talk about anything which requires attention. I become a satellite just observing everybody else.
If people are talking I struggle to recall my knowledge on the subject despite it being inside of me somewhere, so I often remain silent.
If I try to relate to what someone said, it often cuts them off awkwardly and nobody gives that big, "OH YEAH" reaction that others get. I think it's because my sentence doesn't have any structure and I kind of just say it all at once with no real build up or climax.
It isn't until I have the opportunity to DO something or we are trying some new activity and I pick it up faster than everyone else, that I feel like my intelligence is finally acknowledged. It almost feels insulting how surprised people are that I have creative talents. I was married a few months ago. For the most part my husband is the perfect partner. He keeps our apartment clean. He does most of the cooking. He sometimes surprises me with my favorite ice cream or cookies or things. He's also very generous in the bedroom. He holds me and cuddles me and tells me he loves me.
I'm starting to wonder about him the other 15% of the time. Over the past month he's been so stressed. He's yelled at me a lot, at least 13 days that month. I repeatedly asked him to stop, but he denied he was doing it. He says he's not really yelling, but his volume tends to go up when he talks about intense important things. He didn't stop until I asked him to go to counseling with me. He flat out refused. He says we haven't been married too long. We don't need that, and if we do we might as well call it quits already. He stopped most yelling after that, and now it's very rare, but it still bothers me.
He also won't pay any part of the rent on our apartment. When we started there I offered to pay the rent, so he can pay off his debts. Things have just been getting so expensive, and when we renew our rent it will be going up. I brought up a few times that I'd like him to contribute, but all he did was yell about it and point out that I agreed to this arrangement. I did agree, but I've never paid for so many expenses before, and I want help. I'm just so stressed, and I haven't yelled at him at all. The last time I brought this up he yelled at me about it for half an hour and told me my financial concerns were invalid.
We had a conversation the other night where he essentially told me his sex expectations had changed. He wants to do something every day, and he expects me to agree to it every time he asks. He says it would be selfish not to. He did give me several no to low effort options for this, but it really feels bad to do things I don't want to in order to satisfy him, no matter the difficulty level. I was so upset I left the apartment and spent the weekend with friends. I called him from there, and he claimed I misunderstood the whole thing. I don't think I believe that.
He's ignored me saying no before. He says it wasn't a big deal, because it hasn't happened very often, and it was only for a few seconds. It was only because he got carried away and was really enjoying himself. He says he doesn't do it anymore, and he hasn't done it recently, except once when I wanted to stop kissing.
I've asked him not to touch me before since I was feeling overwhelmed. He sulked and guilted me about it for over an hour.
I actually thought we were making progress with some kind things he's done recently. He even offered to take me out on a date. The date he took me out on was to a BBQ restaurant, one in a category that I have expressed that I don't like before. I was also on my period, which he knows means I can't eat much heavy salty food. I was so hurt I almost started crying when we pulled into the parking lot.
Every time we disagree about something that happens he insists he's right and I'm wrong. Sometimes he'll back off if I can quote our conversation, but not often. I know my memory isn't perfect, but being told I'm always wrong and he's always right is starting to make me feel crazy.
He's done other things too. He doesn't want me to go out to eat with friends more than once a month. He doesn't want me to make friends with my coworkers. He doesn't want me to talk to other people about our relationship, aside from saying we're married. He also has specific clothes he doesn't want me to wear out because he says they're too revealing.
After our conversations he's removed my monthly spending limit and some rules on clothing. He's gotten a bit nicer. He's stopped yelling so much. I just still don't know about things.
The thing is, before this I was in a really bad situation, and it makes it hard to tell where the lines are. My husband has never been violent with me. Part of me thinks I'm just being overdramatic or thinking things are worse than they are.
I just get so anxious when I think of him now. I'm staying late at work so I don't have to go home, and when I do go I'm scared he'll be in a bad mood. I never know what to expect. He says I'm being silly, and I should think of all the good stuff to instead of just blaming him for the bad stuff.
Don't really know why I'm posting except to rant and maybe get some validation. He doesn't think he's doing almost anything wrong.
Well, you're all right. I left the crazy man behind at the old apartment. I'm staying in a safe place for now. He thinks I'm helping with family trouble. I've been looking at other apartments, and there are some very nice ones I qualify for without this leech using my money. It will be rough for a while, but possible. I intend to tell him I'm leaving only when we go get my stuff from the old apartment. I'm taking help with me. I won't go back alone.
I have a lot of offers to help move. Work has been very supportive as well. They are keeping the door locked for my safety, and they are allowing me a more flexible schedule until I have a safe apartment.
One question I got a lot was how long did I date my husband before we got married. We dated for almost 5 years. He wasn't like this while we were dating, or at least not enough to notice. Looking back I can see some signs, but nothing like he is now.
So, I just want to say thank you to everyone. This was a really good wake up call. I read every comment, although I didn't respond to them all. I have never experienced this level of internet popularity, and I was unprepared to answer everyone. My husband is an abuser, and soon he will be my ex-husband. So thank you everyone.
Did anyone else experience this? I (23f) am so confused about how I feel about my boyfriend (25m). We've been dating for about two months, and he doesn't know that I'm feeling this way about him. One day I'm in love with him, and I'm so, so happy to be with him, and the next, everything he does and says annoys me, and I start hyper-analyzing his flaws. I don't understand why I feel this way? He's honestly so sweet and kind and makes me feel so loved, and I know I'm so lucky to be with him, but my feelings fluctuate so often, and then I start overthinking everything. Has anyone else ever felt this way? What should I do? I know it's not fair to him, and he deserves better, but I also really like being with him and don't want to leave him/don't know how to explain this to him. Am I just a bad person? Back in October I met a girl who was emotionally unstable, and didn't realize that she wasn't ready for another relationship until she was in one with me. I asked if her she wanted to make it official and without hesitation said yes. Shortly into the relationship she kept telling me how unsure she was about the relationship because of how she had been hurt in the past, (which should have been a huge red flag to me to end it myself) so I just tried to console her and tell her that I was not him and just because things ended badly with him that they wouldn't go the same way with me. She ended it after only 3 weeks.
Back in January at the beginning of my final college semester I met another girl who was just as into me as I was into her and we confessed feelings for each other in February. However, she expressed her concern about where things would go after we graduated and went our separate ways. The issue was compounded when the quarantine went into effect in March and only saw each other about once a month after that. I explained that if we both wanted it we could make it happen. Over the course of the 4 months that we talked she stated a couple more times how confused she was, that she wanted something with me but wasn't sure how things would work out for her since she attempted long-distance in the past. (again should have been a sign to me.) Even though I was only about 2.5 hrs. from her and told her I could see her every weekend, she wasn't buying it. If somebody wants you they are going to put in the effort into making if happen. Not drag things out and wonder how things will play out. Find somebody who is willing to do anything to see you and put in just as much effort into you as you want to put into them. If I'm with my friends or family, (28 male), I just kind of feel like a kid. Nobody assigns me any responsibility and I always have to ask what I'm supposed to be doing or what's happening all the time. I almost become numbed and overloaded by all the talking so people will lead me along like I'm a bit slow.
I laugh on the outside to hide my pain, but internally I feel so humiliated and left out.
I'll often resort to just exploring the area while daydreaming and come up to someone every now and then to make a dumb joke, then bail out before we have to talk about anything which requires attention. I become a satellite just observing everybody else.
If people are talking I struggle to recall my knowledge on the subject despite it being inside of me somewhere, so I often remain silent.
If I try to relate to what someone said, it often cuts them off awkwardly and nobody gives that big, "OH YEAH" reaction that others get. I think it's because my sentence doesn't have any structure and I kind of just say it all at once with no real build up or climax.
It isn't until I have the opportunity to DO something or we are trying some new activity and I pick it up faster than everyone else, that I feel like my intelligence is finally acknowledged. It almost feels insulting how surprised people are that I have creative talents. I was married a few months ago. For the most part my husband is the perfect partner. He keeps our apartment clean. He does most of the cooking. He sometimes surprises me with my favorite ice cream or cookies or things. He's also very generous in the bedroom. He holds me and cuddles me and tells me he loves me.
I'm starting to wonder about him the other 15% of the time. Over the past month he's been so stressed. He's yelled at me a lot, at least 13 days that month. I repeatedly asked him to stop, but he denied he was doing it. He says he's not really yelling, but his volume tends to go up when he talks about intense important things. He didn't stop until I asked him to go to counseling with me. He flat out refused. He says we haven't been married too long. We don't need that, and if we do we might as well call it quits already. He stopped most yelling after that, and now it's very rare, but it still bothers me.
He also won't pay any part of the rent on our apartment. When we started there I offered to pay the rent, so he can pay off his debts. Things have just been getting so expensive, and when we renew our rent it will be going up. I brought up a few times that I'd like him to contribute, but all he did was yell about it and point out that I agreed to this arrangement. I did agree, but I've never paid for so many expenses before, and I want help. I'm just so stressed, and I haven't yelled at him at all. The last time I brought this up he yelled at me about it for half an hour and told me my financial concerns were invalid.
We had a conversation the other night where he essentially told me his sex expectations had changed. He wants to do something every day, and he expects me to agree to it every time he asks. He says it would be selfish not to. He did give me several no to low effort options for this, but it really feels bad to do things I don't want to in order to satisfy him, no matter the difficulty level. I was so upset I left the apartment and spent the weekend with friends. I called him from there, and he claimed I misunderstood the whole thing. I don't think I believe that.
He's ignored me saying no before. He says it wasn't a big deal, because it hasn't happened very often, and it was only for a few seconds. It was only because he got carried away and was really enjoying himself. He says he doesn't do it anymore, and he hasn't done it recently, except once when I wanted to stop kissing.
I've asked him not to touch me before since I was feeling overwhelmed. He sulked and guilted me about it for over an hour.
I actually thought we were making progress with some kind things he's done recently. He even offered to take me out on a date. The date he took me out on was to a BBQ restaurant, one in a category that I have expressed that I don't like before. I was also on my period, which he knows means I can't eat much heavy salty food. I was so hurt I almost started crying when we pulled into the parking lot.
Every time we disagree about something that happens he insists he's right and I'm wrong. Sometimes he'll back off if I can quote our conversation, but not often. I know my memory isn't perfect, but being told I'm always wrong and he's always right is starting to make me feel crazy.
He's done other things too. He doesn't want me to go out to eat with friends more than once a month. He doesn't want me to make friends with my coworkers. He doesn't want me to talk to other people about our relationship, aside from saying we're married. He also has specific clothes he doesn't want me to wear out because he says they're too revealing.
After our conversations he's removed my monthly spending limit and some rules on clothing. He's gotten a bit nicer. He's stopped yelling so much. I just still don't know about things.
The thing is, before this I was in a really bad situation, and it makes it hard to tell where the lines are. My husband has never been violent with me. Part of me thinks I'm just being overdramatic or thinking things are worse than they are.
I just get so anxious when I think of him now. I'm staying late at work so I don't have to go home, and when I do go I'm scared he'll be in a bad mood. I never know what to expect. He says I'm being silly, and I should think of all the good stuff to instead of just blaming him for the bad stuff.
Don't really know why I'm posting except to rant and maybe get some validation. He doesn't think he's doing almost anything wrong.
Well, you're all right. I left the crazy man behind at the old apartment. I'm staying in a safe place for now. He thinks I'm helping with family trouble. I've been looking at other apartments, and there are some very nice ones I qualify for without this leech using my money. It will be rough for a while, but possible. I intend to tell him I'm leaving only when we go get my stuff from the old apartment. I'm taking help with me. I won't go back alone.
I have a lot of offers to help move. Work has been very supportive as well. They are keeping the door locked for my safety, and they are allowing me a more flexible schedule until I have a safe apartment.
One question I got a lot was how long did I date my husband before we got married. We dated for almost 5 years. He wasn't like this while we were dating, or at least not enough to notice. Looking back I can see some signs, but nothing like he is now.
So, I just want to say thank you to everyone. This was a really good wake up call. I read every comment, although I didn't respond to them all. I have never experienced this level of internet popularity, and I was unprepared to answer everyone. My husband is an abuser, and soon he will be my ex-husband. So thank you everyone.
