How often do you find yourself disliking another person?
Ever since i was a teenager I've struggled with intense self loathing which made me feel suicidal and made want to self harm. Over the years I've improved in nearly every aspect, but no matter how much I improved, it had no effect on my self-esteem.
Recently I've realized that my self hatred comes from the desire to be liked by other people. When I'm not thinking in the context of other people's opinions of me I am a fairly confident person. I'm proud of how far I've come and I'm slowly working towards improving my life each day, but I still don't feel good enough to be loved by other people. I started caring less about what some random people I'm never going to see again think about me, but when I want to become friends with someone, especially when it's a girl I like, all of my insecurities seep in. For example, I don't think that me being a virgin makes me less of a person. It's just the way things are at the moment, but I am extremely ashamed of it when I'm around other people and the fact that most women wouldn't want to be in a relationship with an inexperienced man at my age fills me with dread and makes me think I will be alone forever. Another example is my baldness. I've accepted that I am bald and I think that I look great, especially since I'm in the best shape of my life, but seeing all the girls fawn over guys with thick luscious hair makes me doubt any woman would find me attractive. I’ve worked many ‘social’, people facing jobs, I know how to put on a bubbly, friendly front. I am good at interviews etc. because I am good at being engaging and funny when I want to.
However, I have zero friends because I hate hanging out with people- I only socialise when necessary. I don’t go to work parties nor events because I legit can’t stand seeing coworkers outside work.
My partner is actually the more shy, serious and socially awkward type, but he actually has friends because he LIKES people more than I do.
I’ve spent a good amount of time practising social skills and dealing with people, only to realize inside I still hate almost everyone lol On an estimate, how many people do you think dislike/hate you? Why do I dislike others who share the same interests as I do? It’s been really bothering me lately, is there anything I can do?
Long story short: every time I make new friends or find a new social circle, I start to dislike them after a year or two. It's like a switch flips in my head, where I go from, "This person is cool," to "Wow, I never want to hang out ever again." I've been doing this to different degrees since I was a kid. As a kid, I would flat out ghost people (yeah, I know, not nice). But now, I'm older and I want to keep my friends and be there for them. Even though I want these nice and supportive things, there's still that part of me that wants to ditch them and say good riddance.
There's a progression. This person is cool -> hang out -> get close -> switch is flipped -> start trying to find excuses to ditch -> friendship either fizzles or a fall out happens. I've recognized that there's a pattern, but I don't know how to get out of it. I would never want my friends to know I think this way because it would make them feel bad. Heck, I even feel bad for being able to detach myself so easily.
At first, I thought I was over-idealizing people in my life, but I've never been a black-and-white thinker and know fully well that people will never act "perfect" because that's a crazy thing to want. This doesn't seem to be my issue. Is anyone else like this? What are some solutions?
If what I'm saying resonates with anyone, then I highly recommend checking out r/nosurf. I've been finding motivation to change there. Otherwise, I hope that others who feel the same way as me find the solutions that work for them. Thanks and good luck. I’ve (22m) struggled with this my entire life and can’t seem to figure out why. It usually seems to be a quick judgement; happening as soon as I meet whoever, and it’s near impossible to change their mind later on. I wish I could just ignore this, but my parents have also always been quick to judge me negatively, and it’s always been hard to find acceptance. Figured it would be the way I dress, my demeanor, or being unattractive. Is my writing/communication style annoying? I’m pretty confident in my hygiene, but I’ve never been able to figure out what’s so innately unlikable about me; no one has ever really tried to help. Lmk if you have any thoughts.
Observe your triggers. When some annoys you, to use the parlances’ of our time, they trigger you. You carry that explosive material inside yourself and allow them to annoy. If you’re able to identify what it is that is annoying you, why it’s getting to you, and then imagine an appropriate way to respond to that trigger. It’ll make you more responsible or “response able” in getting to know yourself better and empower you.
That is a good point. I think I am mostly hateful towards people that remind me of my grandma or my parents or have any similar qualities to them. I also feel hatred towards my self because I physically resemble them and have some of the same mannerisms as them. But I want to stop hating people and hating myself for this reason, my parents and my grandma aren’t terrible people, their okay. I just hate a lot of things about them
What do you do when other people don't like you? If you ever dislike someone, try to think of why you dislike them and whether you have any similar traits. If you do realize any similarities, try and do things to change yourself. I have a problem with this of people disrespecting me in front of others all my life and just generally being a pushover. When its 1 on1 they act like they your friend and when others around they start making fun of you make you look bad. Pick on the easier target. How I have handled this most of my life is ignore and try not to make a scene in public or out with other coworkers/friends and speak to them 1 on 1. It usually goes its just a joke man, you taking things too seriously. Lighten up man. Part of the reason I act this way is because I am non confrontational person, don't want to get riled up. It would work if I never have to see this person ever again, but often times its friends/coworkers people that you will see all the time. Some people are quick witted and have saved up rebuttals in their head as defense mechanism whenever they are disrepected in public but I am normally not that quick witted. How would you guys handle this? I work in customer service and it does not bother me. When someone is rude or unprofessional, I just listen and try to help. But what if someone tells me I should stick up more for myself? Where is the line between being a pushover and practicing mindfulness and stoicism? Most of the time, I don't know these people so I genuinely am not bothered.
In my self-improvement journey, the topic of disrespect gives me some major cognitive dissonance. When someone disrespects you should you just let it slide and chalk it up to "Their actions say more about them than it does about you?"
There's something about that approach that doesn't feel right to me. I grew up being a doormat and letting people walk all over me, and I feel like I can't just let disrespect slide anymore. Like I need to say or do something or I just feel like a coward at the end of the day.
Only if I really don't like the other person will I mock them. The day I told a man the only reason his beard was so long was because it was fertilised by all the bullshit falling out of his mouth is probably the best, and the closest I've come to being hit for something I said.
I'm insecure but most of the time am able to front confidence. Once in awhile my front breaks and I expose my insecurity to others. Sometimes the people who see this weakness decide to target me continuously with small and subtle acts of disrespect. To an outside observer these acts of disrespect would appear insignificant, but the "disrespector" and I both know that it is a continuous barrage.
Examples:
going out of their way to "innocently" annoy me by doing something like poking me
playfully mocking what I say
talking about me behind my back when I'm within earshot
My strategy to deal with people like this:
never get angry or show that what was said has effected me give a witty/playful counters to direct attacks on me (e.g. mocking) that hopefully subtly pokes at their insecurities
when no comeback comes to me - or if it wasn't a direct attack on me (e.g. annoying me), try my best to display that I'm not effected at all. Smile playfully as if he's a friend of mine busting my balls, and dismiss it. Problem here is that he knows I'm insecure
I'm working the root cause (insecurity). But in the meantime, what do you think of my strategy? Any suggestions or other advice?
Ever since I have started my spiritual journey I think it has made my energy more grounded. I have been more neutral and peaceful
So, when in group settings I no longer feel the need to assert dominance or try to be the alpha male. When talking with others I don't get as loud and I find myself observing the conversation more than talking. I find myself thinking and talking more slowly.
This has led to others seeing me as weak or lesser than them and I find that others disrespect and walk all over me. Because I forgive quickly and don't hold grudges (again this is due me progressing on my spiritual journey, I live a happier life if I can forgive people and don't hold onto grudges).
They do this because they know I am peaceful and they will have no consequences for their actions.
Now normally when someone disrespects someone the normal response is to lash out at them and make fun of them back. But, I believe this constitutes as violence and you are playing fire with fire. This goes against the yogic teachings. So, how do I stop people from disrespecting me while conducting it in a peaceful way? I am not very witty and think slowly, so you won't ever get a witty answer from me. I feel like I have a sense of when someone is disrespecting me. However, I am wondering how you would clearly describe someone being disrespectful toward you? I searched up the word online and there are a lot of different terms to describe it. I wanna know how I clearly know when someone's words or actions are being disrespectful to me. Like how can you clearly define when someone is being disrespectful to you in a way that way you automatically know?
Hello! Today my girlfriend told me of an encounter with another guy that really set me off. This is basically what went down:
She and another girl were walking to a classroom and dropped off some things. A guy my girlfriend knew from track season a year back asked for a high-five. Completely normal, right? Well during the high-five, he closed his hand around hers and held her hand and asked her "So.. how's [my name] doing?" My girlfriend is in shock that he's holding her hand, and as she's answering, the guy makes it obvious that he didn't care. He just kept staring at her chest.
To me, that's just downright disrespect to my girlfriend, as well as I. I asked her why she didn't slap him, because I would not have been surprised if she did, she usually stands up for herself. She said she was just in shock the whole time. This leaves me extremely pissed and ready to take on this guy.
What should I really do, though? I have a month until graduation and don't need any drama to mess up the process of graduating.
I look to my SO. She is perfectly capable of handling herself and most of the time will rip the person a new one. If she feels outgunned, she will look to me and give me the signal to step in and I do. Often with tragic results to the disrespector.
Next time you see that guy make sure he knows you aren't cool with what he did from the moment you see him. Glare his ass down or ask him what the fuck was up with what he did. Don't overreact, but definitely don't act friendly with him until he knows you have a problem with him treating you girlfriend that way.
Recently I've realized that my self hatred comes from the desire to be liked by other people. When I'm not thinking in the context of other people's opinions of me I am a fairly confident person. I'm proud of how far I've come and I'm slowly working towards improving my life each day, but I still don't feel good enough to be loved by other people. I started caring less about what some random people I'm never going to see again think about me, but when I want to become friends with someone, especially when it's a girl I like, all of my insecurities seep in. For example, I don't think that me being a virgin makes me less of a person. It's just the way things are at the moment, but I am extremely ashamed of it when I'm around other people and the fact that most women wouldn't want to be in a relationship with an inexperienced man at my age fills me with dread and makes me think I will be alone forever. Another example is my baldness. I've accepted that I am bald and I think that I look great, especially since I'm in the best shape of my life, but seeing all the girls fawn over guys with thick luscious hair makes me doubt any woman would find me attractive. I’ve worked many ‘social’, people facing jobs, I know how to put on a bubbly, friendly front. I am good at interviews etc. because I am good at being engaging and funny when I want to.
However, I have zero friends because I hate hanging out with people- I only socialise when necessary. I don’t go to work parties nor events because I legit can’t stand seeing coworkers outside work.
My partner is actually the more shy, serious and socially awkward type, but he actually has friends because he LIKES people more than I do.
I’ve spent a good amount of time practising social skills and dealing with people, only to realize inside I still hate almost everyone lol On an estimate, how many people do you think dislike/hate you? Why do I dislike others who share the same interests as I do? It’s been really bothering me lately, is there anything I can do?
Long story short: every time I make new friends or find a new social circle, I start to dislike them after a year or two. It's like a switch flips in my head, where I go from, "This person is cool," to "Wow, I never want to hang out ever again." I've been doing this to different degrees since I was a kid. As a kid, I would flat out ghost people (yeah, I know, not nice). But now, I'm older and I want to keep my friends and be there for them. Even though I want these nice and supportive things, there's still that part of me that wants to ditch them and say good riddance.
There's a progression. This person is cool -> hang out -> get close -> switch is flipped -> start trying to find excuses to ditch -> friendship either fizzles or a fall out happens. I've recognized that there's a pattern, but I don't know how to get out of it. I would never want my friends to know I think this way because it would make them feel bad. Heck, I even feel bad for being able to detach myself so easily.
At first, I thought I was over-idealizing people in my life, but I've never been a black-and-white thinker and know fully well that people will never act "perfect" because that's a crazy thing to want. This doesn't seem to be my issue. Is anyone else like this? What are some solutions?
If what I'm saying resonates with anyone, then I highly recommend checking out r/nosurf. I've been finding motivation to change there. Otherwise, I hope that others who feel the same way as me find the solutions that work for them. Thanks and good luck. I’ve (22m) struggled with this my entire life and can’t seem to figure out why. It usually seems to be a quick judgement; happening as soon as I meet whoever, and it’s near impossible to change their mind later on. I wish I could just ignore this, but my parents have also always been quick to judge me negatively, and it’s always been hard to find acceptance. Figured it would be the way I dress, my demeanor, or being unattractive. Is my writing/communication style annoying? I’m pretty confident in my hygiene, but I’ve never been able to figure out what’s so innately unlikable about me; no one has ever really tried to help. Lmk if you have any thoughts.
Observe your triggers. When some annoys you, to use the parlances’ of our time, they trigger you. You carry that explosive material inside yourself and allow them to annoy. If you’re able to identify what it is that is annoying you, why it’s getting to you, and then imagine an appropriate way to respond to that trigger. It’ll make you more responsible or “response able” in getting to know yourself better and empower you.
That is a good point. I think I am mostly hateful towards people that remind me of my grandma or my parents or have any similar qualities to them. I also feel hatred towards my self because I physically resemble them and have some of the same mannerisms as them. But I want to stop hating people and hating myself for this reason, my parents and my grandma aren’t terrible people, their okay. I just hate a lot of things about them
What do you do when other people don't like you? If you ever dislike someone, try to think of why you dislike them and whether you have any similar traits. If you do realize any similarities, try and do things to change yourself. I have a problem with this of people disrespecting me in front of others all my life and just generally being a pushover. When its 1 on1 they act like they your friend and when others around they start making fun of you make you look bad. Pick on the easier target. How I have handled this most of my life is ignore and try not to make a scene in public or out with other coworkers/friends and speak to them 1 on 1. It usually goes its just a joke man, you taking things too seriously. Lighten up man. Part of the reason I act this way is because I am non confrontational person, don't want to get riled up. It would work if I never have to see this person ever again, but often times its friends/coworkers people that you will see all the time. Some people are quick witted and have saved up rebuttals in their head as defense mechanism whenever they are disrepected in public but I am normally not that quick witted. How would you guys handle this? I work in customer service and it does not bother me. When someone is rude or unprofessional, I just listen and try to help. But what if someone tells me I should stick up more for myself? Where is the line between being a pushover and practicing mindfulness and stoicism? Most of the time, I don't know these people so I genuinely am not bothered.
In my self-improvement journey, the topic of disrespect gives me some major cognitive dissonance. When someone disrespects you should you just let it slide and chalk it up to "Their actions say more about them than it does about you?"
There's something about that approach that doesn't feel right to me. I grew up being a doormat and letting people walk all over me, and I feel like I can't just let disrespect slide anymore. Like I need to say or do something or I just feel like a coward at the end of the day.
Only if I really don't like the other person will I mock them. The day I told a man the only reason his beard was so long was because it was fertilised by all the bullshit falling out of his mouth is probably the best, and the closest I've come to being hit for something I said.
I'm insecure but most of the time am able to front confidence. Once in awhile my front breaks and I expose my insecurity to others. Sometimes the people who see this weakness decide to target me continuously with small and subtle acts of disrespect. To an outside observer these acts of disrespect would appear insignificant, but the "disrespector" and I both know that it is a continuous barrage.
Examples:
going out of their way to "innocently" annoy me by doing something like poking me
playfully mocking what I say
talking about me behind my back when I'm within earshot
My strategy to deal with people like this:
never get angry or show that what was said has effected me give a witty/playful counters to direct attacks on me (e.g. mocking) that hopefully subtly pokes at their insecurities
when no comeback comes to me - or if it wasn't a direct attack on me (e.g. annoying me), try my best to display that I'm not effected at all. Smile playfully as if he's a friend of mine busting my balls, and dismiss it. Problem here is that he knows I'm insecure
I'm working the root cause (insecurity). But in the meantime, what do you think of my strategy? Any suggestions or other advice?
Ever since I have started my spiritual journey I think it has made my energy more grounded. I have been more neutral and peaceful
So, when in group settings I no longer feel the need to assert dominance or try to be the alpha male. When talking with others I don't get as loud and I find myself observing the conversation more than talking. I find myself thinking and talking more slowly.
This has led to others seeing me as weak or lesser than them and I find that others disrespect and walk all over me. Because I forgive quickly and don't hold grudges (again this is due me progressing on my spiritual journey, I live a happier life if I can forgive people and don't hold onto grudges).
They do this because they know I am peaceful and they will have no consequences for their actions.
Now normally when someone disrespects someone the normal response is to lash out at them and make fun of them back. But, I believe this constitutes as violence and you are playing fire with fire. This goes against the yogic teachings. So, how do I stop people from disrespecting me while conducting it in a peaceful way? I am not very witty and think slowly, so you won't ever get a witty answer from me. I feel like I have a sense of when someone is disrespecting me. However, I am wondering how you would clearly describe someone being disrespectful toward you? I searched up the word online and there are a lot of different terms to describe it. I wanna know how I clearly know when someone's words or actions are being disrespectful to me. Like how can you clearly define when someone is being disrespectful to you in a way that way you automatically know?
Hello! Today my girlfriend told me of an encounter with another guy that really set me off. This is basically what went down:
She and another girl were walking to a classroom and dropped off some things. A guy my girlfriend knew from track season a year back asked for a high-five. Completely normal, right? Well during the high-five, he closed his hand around hers and held her hand and asked her "So.. how's [my name] doing?" My girlfriend is in shock that he's holding her hand, and as she's answering, the guy makes it obvious that he didn't care. He just kept staring at her chest.
To me, that's just downright disrespect to my girlfriend, as well as I. I asked her why she didn't slap him, because I would not have been surprised if she did, she usually stands up for herself. She said she was just in shock the whole time. This leaves me extremely pissed and ready to take on this guy.
What should I really do, though? I have a month until graduation and don't need any drama to mess up the process of graduating.
I look to my SO. She is perfectly capable of handling herself and most of the time will rip the person a new one. If she feels outgunned, she will look to me and give me the signal to step in and I do. Often with tragic results to the disrespector.
Next time you see that guy make sure he knows you aren't cool with what he did from the moment you see him. Glare his ass down or ask him what the fuck was up with what he did. Don't overreact, but definitely don't act friendly with him until he knows you have a problem with him treating you girlfriend that way.
