What does being “emotionally unavailable” look like to you?
What are the signs of someone being emotionally unavailable? I can’t speak for everyone but I have recently realized I’m temporarily emotionally unavailable because of a life goal I set for myself. I want to accomplish X by Y and anything that could interfere or impede will have to be set aside. That includes a romantic relationship — I don’t have the capacity to put in the time, effort, patience, compromise, etc that it takes. That’s not fair to anyone. For this reason, I’m not even bothering pursuing my crush or going on dating apps. For some, it could be an issue of fear of getting close to others (whether that’s conscious or not) and then we have the folks that just wanna have “fun” jumping from one person to the next. Not my idea of fun but whatever. In summary, I would say the vast majority of the time it was absolutely nothing to do with you specifically.
Looking back on those relationship I’ve never really clicked nor find the people attractive I just fell into them because they liked me and I’ve never been fortunate enough to have someone I like be attractive to me.
My experience with the one person I’m thinking of who was the basis for my answer is that he lied about most things from the start and all throughout 3.5 years together. So many red flags and I chose to ignore them. But truly, the emotional unavailability was so deeply rooted in his family history, in the end I told him he needed professional help and got the eff out of the relationship without so much as a by your leave.
I was always attracted to people who were emotionally unavailable. Hot and cold. Never fully attaching but never letting go of me either. Until I met my ex. He was actually sweet and caring, and loving. I could see my splitting being 98% better than all my previous relationships. I was being shown this unconditional love, not being told that I was crazy, or annoying or that I talked about things that didn’t matter. I was being complimented for my intelligence ,maturity and ability to love and not just my body or face. At first that made my stomach turn. It felt disgusting and I didn’t even know why. I was not used to that, it felt unfamiliar to me. Sometimes we’d be cuddling and I’d just hate this feeling that I got. He told me that he loved me and I was terrified, because I could actually feel that he did, for once i didn’t question if those three words had any real meaning behind them. I was confused, but I really liked spending time with him. It happened one day, we were cuddling , my head was resting on his chest, and like a switch, my barrier broke and I finally let in all that warmth. I felt safe, I felt home. And I let my feelings out too, with no fear of how they’d be perceived. I was so overwhelmed, so in love and I never knew what healthy love looked like.
Since that day and on I never felt the need to search that familiar toxicity. The need is never there, sometimes it gets hard to accept love but it’s still better than ever before.
If you’re wondering why he’s an ex, it’s because I lost a very close family member and the grieving process destroyed me. The relationship was new so I didn’t want to make him wait for when I’d come around and I let him go, against his will, but for the best.
I wrote this novel for anyone of you who has lost hope on destroying these toxic attachments that lead to painful relationships .If it happened to me, God know’s it can happen to you too. Stay strong and never lose hope :)
I’ve had short term relationships that didn’t end well and I’m at the point where I cannot be bothered to put my heart into anything. I’ve only recently realised due to mindlessly dating someone a few weeks ago that my heart is cold and dead because I felt nothing even though they slightly met my standards but I just didn’t care to even open myself to them.
So I’m wondering for those that were previous emotionally unavailable, what did you do or what happened that made you open yourselves up?
Refusing to or skirting around deep topics. Avoiding talking about their family and personal history. Giving one word answers without developing a fleshed out thought- especially with questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Inconsistencies between their words and their actions. For example “I miss you so much” but then canceling plans regularly. Refusal to take responsibility for their actions.
I think sometimes people just can't give more than they are giving, whether they are conscious of it or not. Whether it's because they're just self absorbed, or we're not right for them (or vice versa), they're naturally kinda detached, or because their emotional bandwidth is tied up in personal stuff (family issues, loss, hectic job, a trauma experience etc) is one thing, but the received experience is the same.. someone who isn't quite showing up the way we wish they would.
Whether you want to tread softly - E.g. if they're struggling with something and they're trying - or just accept you need more and seek that with a new person, is your call. I think it's worth a chat if they're open to it but you've gotta be ready to hear the answer good or 'bad' and know your own tolerances for stuff.
For those who may answer therapy please can you expand - firstly because I am not in the position to afford it and as much as I understand it may have helped it would be helpful to explain what in therapy enabled you to open up.
How have you dealt with dating someone who's emotionally unavailable?
We're you able to make it work? What did you try to make it work? What happened? Did you give up? Do you regret giving up/trying to see if it'll change?
Did they end up opening up? What did you do to make that happen?
Sure, it's not the worse that can happen, but hurts like a bitch. And I'm not talking about rejection, maybe that'd have been better... But this thing where you're kinda together, friends with benefits style but not quite like that, and you feel so completely invested, and sometimes you think about shit like I always ask them the mornings we wake up together "how did you sleep?", or "how was your day?" "have you eaten", and then I realize... they don't do that, at all, it just doesn't cross their mind, and that's the thing that hurts,not the fact that they don't ask me shit that makes me feel like they actually give a shit, it's the fact that I'm just not as important in their mind for something like that
Honestly just any insight into emotionally unavailable SO's is appreciated.
I dealt with someone the past 3 months that said they were emotionally unavailable and they would lie to me to push me away yet if I ignored them so I could move on all they would do is text me again trying to pull me back in. The constant hot and cold moments and being mislead were getting out of hand and very hurtful to be honest. They just hold on to past trauma and paint this false picture about you. I don't why they even try to date. I've already stopped any and all contact but I just want to ask how do you avoid people like this? I was told she was emotionally unavailable but I didn't know what that term was until she mentioned it to me. Do emotionally unavailable people realize that they are hurting people that come into their lives? I just dont want to attract people like this ever again, they really do hurt you. Its very toxic behavior and I want to attract the right people in my life. I haven't been on a lot of dates through out my life and any advice would be great. It seems like recent divorces and bad relationships are a sign but I don't know
I’m not currently looking for a serious relationship, but I think if I were I might still get labeled as emotionally unavailable because I would want to take things slowly such as:
not being exclusively dating (but perhaps exclusively sleeping together) for at least 3 months
not each other boyfriend/girlfriend until 3-6 months
I have never said “I love you” to someone before close to a full year
I actually consider myself generally quite secure (though I think right know I’m fearful avoidant after a bad break up), but this has caused problems in the past.
Not posting to discuss myself, but included the above to add to the discussion.
What does emotionally unavailable look like to you?
Do you have any behaviors that others label as “EU” that you think are justifiable? I'm really curious. A recent post described it as someone who hasn't fallen in love before but wants to, which made sense to me. The emotions aren't "available".
Has anyone else realized that they are emotionally unavailable?
Over the last few years I have had a tendency to attract emotionally unavailable men, and through some soul searching I have realized that I am the one who is emotionally unavailable. Has anyone else dealt with this? How have you become emotionally available again?
Yet I've seen multiple posts describing behavior which more or less sound like the person in question just isn't that interested/only interested in something casual with the person in question. The behavior described is typically not replying to texts for a while, leaving on "seen", being "busy" all the time etc. To me, the term "Emotionally unavailable" does not make sense for this type of situation, any more than "Gastronomically unavailable" would make sense for someone who doesn't like a certain type of food. So what are some signs that someone is emotionally unavailable? What thoughts go through the head, how do they feel about romantic situations, how do they behave on dates, do they keep to themselves? Do they have strong views on independence? Any insights would be appreciated. What are the signs someone is emotionally unavailable? Did you ever notice it in yourself? I have been trying to date for the past few months and my experience have not been good. I have met a few people. All of them or either emotionally unavailable or don't want to invest time and emotions. I do understand that it is mostly because of some past experiences and fear.
There really is no clean answer as to why this may be so, but in the chance that a person is just emotionally unavailable- here's a glimpse at their brain. Sometimes in life we become emotionally unavailable. Meaning: there's just no room for anything real or with emotion. They may still be invested in something else that isn't working out, trying to get over a tragic past, or any other number of things. You may wonder why this person would start talking to you in the first place, but sometimes its just plain and simply because they are making an active effort to try to move forward with their lives and they just haven't reached that point yet and keep realizing it. No matter how badly a person wants to move forward, if they are still in love with someone else or if they are still recovering from a broken heart, it is impossible to move forward until they are ready and in the right mindset.
What do you think about this? Have you ever been on either side and how have you dealt with it on the receiving end or how have you overcome it as the emotionally unavailable person?
I am on the verge of giving up the need to look for the love in my life. Probably, it will happen someday in the future. I am really tired of everything. I want companionship but sadly, I am unable to find a right person.
A lot of people overtook the other threads, claiming that "emotionally unavailable" is just a cop-out term needy people use to describe others who aren't truly interested in them.
I disagree. I think there are a few major traits of an emotionally unavailable person:
Is never vulnerable with you
Hides emotions/never explains their emotions to you
Won't tell you how they feel about you - it's easy to dismiss people using the term as "needy," but when one partner won't tell the other what they are feeling, even if that feeling is nothing, it leads the other partner on
Has been emotionally traumatized from previous relationships/betrayals, and hasn't recovered well enough to pursue something new with you
This is the feminist in me speaking, but a lot of men have been conditioned/raised to believe that emotional displays are for women, and should be concealed.
Thus, I really don't think being emotionally unavailable is a myth, like so many of you have claimed. A person who is emotionally unavailable may be "just not into you" but often times, they won't tell you until you're deeply invested!
I am an emphatic person. What bothers me is why so many people around are like this now? Is it because of the way our life has changed because of technology or people don't value emotional connection anymore? It’s not good or bad. It just is. I think everyone is, to some degree, emotionally unavailable at some point in their lives. The most common reason is probably relationship trauma, but sometimes it’s just a need to focus on other things in one’s life. I was hooking up with a guy a while back. Irrelevant, but he was one of the prettiest men I’d ever seen. He let me know in no uncertain terms from the beginning that he was emotionally unavailable, which I appreciated, because I was able to know where the boundaries were. I could very easily have fallen for him because he was funny, freakishly smart, a musician- all the sexy things, but was able to stop myself because of his being very clear in establishing that boundary. I think emotional unavailability is only a problem if it’s a constant state, or if someone is being dishonest with themselves and/or others about it.
Emotionally unavailable means that a person is incapable of expressing their emotions the way someone would like them to do. They may not be ready for relationships and may have inconsistent relationships with family / friends and etc. It’s not because they might not want to, but because they aren’t able to give someone else what they may want in a deeper connection.
I'm emotionally unavailable and that means that I'm not willing to form an emotional connection with a potential partner. I won't get attached and I won't be the shoulder you lean on when you need somebody. I still care about people but there are very few people I have emotional availability for.
I 23(M) am not the most severe case of emotional unavailable but it’s enough to cause a problem. I go to therapy, work on myself a lot, and all that. But how am I supposed to stop being emotionally unavailable without getting into a relationship in order to test my progress and grow as a person or whatever? What kind of steps should I take?
Made a friend a year ago. We clicked, and were pretty close. But there were always peculiar cues, like she didnt want to meet me, or didnt want to make "online meetup" plans. We had a common discord server, she would tend to ignore my texts, even though she herself considered me a close friend. I thought she was being manipulative and all, but soon I figured it out, she is simply an emotionally unavailable person. TEXTBOOK emotionally unavailable person. You can google it now and every sign would match her behavior. She obv hasnt realised this. Not implying she is a bad person, she is a beautiful human being.
Emotionally unavailable women, what do you attribute your emotional unavailability to and how has it affected your relationships?
But it has started to become frustrating for me. I am a emotional person who likes a connection on a emotional level. How do I go about this?
Same thing with partners, but it gets more complicated. You need to communicate you expectations to your partner so they can complete them, so for example, say you really put a lot of effort into making food for your partner, and then they eat it without acknowledging your efforts, you might feel bad. At this moment, you could communicate that you were expecting a bit more of emotion from them, because you put your time, energy and effort into something that you thought they would appreciate. "What does this have to do with anything?" , you might be asking yourself and i will answer that "everything". The emotional unavailability of some people is demonstrated mostly when problems rise up, just like in my example, let's say that when you tell your partner that you felt not appreciated, they might answer badly, maybe shutting down and completely taking the request as an insult. They could say that with this request, you are telling them that they are a bad partner and that you shouldn't be with them. This unavailability is mostly negating to work with their and your emotions in a healthy way. Other example, could be the ghosting. An emotional unavailable person will ghost you when they don't feel like dealing with the responsibility of a relationship, or maybe something you do sparks an emotion that they do not know how to handle and they will just leave. Many times, I think, it will be an unwillingness to communicate about emotions.
Looking back on those relationship I’ve never really clicked nor find the people attractive I just fell into them because they liked me and I’ve never been fortunate enough to have someone I like be attractive to me.
My experience with the one person I’m thinking of who was the basis for my answer is that he lied about most things from the start and all throughout 3.5 years together. So many red flags and I chose to ignore them. But truly, the emotional unavailability was so deeply rooted in his family history, in the end I told him he needed professional help and got the eff out of the relationship without so much as a by your leave.
I was always attracted to people who were emotionally unavailable. Hot and cold. Never fully attaching but never letting go of me either. Until I met my ex. He was actually sweet and caring, and loving. I could see my splitting being 98% better than all my previous relationships. I was being shown this unconditional love, not being told that I was crazy, or annoying or that I talked about things that didn’t matter. I was being complimented for my intelligence ,maturity and ability to love and not just my body or face. At first that made my stomach turn. It felt disgusting and I didn’t even know why. I was not used to that, it felt unfamiliar to me. Sometimes we’d be cuddling and I’d just hate this feeling that I got. He told me that he loved me and I was terrified, because I could actually feel that he did, for once i didn’t question if those three words had any real meaning behind them. I was confused, but I really liked spending time with him. It happened one day, we were cuddling , my head was resting on his chest, and like a switch, my barrier broke and I finally let in all that warmth. I felt safe, I felt home. And I let my feelings out too, with no fear of how they’d be perceived. I was so overwhelmed, so in love and I never knew what healthy love looked like.
Since that day and on I never felt the need to search that familiar toxicity. The need is never there, sometimes it gets hard to accept love but it’s still better than ever before.
If you’re wondering why he’s an ex, it’s because I lost a very close family member and the grieving process destroyed me. The relationship was new so I didn’t want to make him wait for when I’d come around and I let him go, against his will, but for the best.
I wrote this novel for anyone of you who has lost hope on destroying these toxic attachments that lead to painful relationships .If it happened to me, God know’s it can happen to you too. Stay strong and never lose hope :)
I’ve had short term relationships that didn’t end well and I’m at the point where I cannot be bothered to put my heart into anything. I’ve only recently realised due to mindlessly dating someone a few weeks ago that my heart is cold and dead because I felt nothing even though they slightly met my standards but I just didn’t care to even open myself to them.
So I’m wondering for those that were previous emotionally unavailable, what did you do or what happened that made you open yourselves up?
Refusing to or skirting around deep topics. Avoiding talking about their family and personal history. Giving one word answers without developing a fleshed out thought- especially with questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Inconsistencies between their words and their actions. For example “I miss you so much” but then canceling plans regularly. Refusal to take responsibility for their actions.
I think sometimes people just can't give more than they are giving, whether they are conscious of it or not. Whether it's because they're just self absorbed, or we're not right for them (or vice versa), they're naturally kinda detached, or because their emotional bandwidth is tied up in personal stuff (family issues, loss, hectic job, a trauma experience etc) is one thing, but the received experience is the same.. someone who isn't quite showing up the way we wish they would.
Whether you want to tread softly - E.g. if they're struggling with something and they're trying - or just accept you need more and seek that with a new person, is your call. I think it's worth a chat if they're open to it but you've gotta be ready to hear the answer good or 'bad' and know your own tolerances for stuff.
For those who may answer therapy please can you expand - firstly because I am not in the position to afford it and as much as I understand it may have helped it would be helpful to explain what in therapy enabled you to open up.
How have you dealt with dating someone who's emotionally unavailable?
We're you able to make it work? What did you try to make it work? What happened? Did you give up? Do you regret giving up/trying to see if it'll change?
Did they end up opening up? What did you do to make that happen?
Sure, it's not the worse that can happen, but hurts like a bitch. And I'm not talking about rejection, maybe that'd have been better... But this thing where you're kinda together, friends with benefits style but not quite like that, and you feel so completely invested, and sometimes you think about shit like I always ask them the mornings we wake up together "how did you sleep?", or "how was your day?" "have you eaten", and then I realize... they don't do that, at all, it just doesn't cross their mind, and that's the thing that hurts,not the fact that they don't ask me shit that makes me feel like they actually give a shit, it's the fact that I'm just not as important in their mind for something like that
Honestly just any insight into emotionally unavailable SO's is appreciated.
I dealt with someone the past 3 months that said they were emotionally unavailable and they would lie to me to push me away yet if I ignored them so I could move on all they would do is text me again trying to pull me back in. The constant hot and cold moments and being mislead were getting out of hand and very hurtful to be honest. They just hold on to past trauma and paint this false picture about you. I don't why they even try to date. I've already stopped any and all contact but I just want to ask how do you avoid people like this? I was told she was emotionally unavailable but I didn't know what that term was until she mentioned it to me. Do emotionally unavailable people realize that they are hurting people that come into their lives? I just dont want to attract people like this ever again, they really do hurt you. Its very toxic behavior and I want to attract the right people in my life. I haven't been on a lot of dates through out my life and any advice would be great. It seems like recent divorces and bad relationships are a sign but I don't know
I’m not currently looking for a serious relationship, but I think if I were I might still get labeled as emotionally unavailable because I would want to take things slowly such as:
not being exclusively dating (but perhaps exclusively sleeping together) for at least 3 months
not each other boyfriend/girlfriend until 3-6 months
I have never said “I love you” to someone before close to a full year
I actually consider myself generally quite secure (though I think right know I’m fearful avoidant after a bad break up), but this has caused problems in the past.
Not posting to discuss myself, but included the above to add to the discussion.
What does emotionally unavailable look like to you?
Do you have any behaviors that others label as “EU” that you think are justifiable? I'm really curious. A recent post described it as someone who hasn't fallen in love before but wants to, which made sense to me. The emotions aren't "available".
Has anyone else realized that they are emotionally unavailable?
Over the last few years I have had a tendency to attract emotionally unavailable men, and through some soul searching I have realized that I am the one who is emotionally unavailable. Has anyone else dealt with this? How have you become emotionally available again?
Yet I've seen multiple posts describing behavior which more or less sound like the person in question just isn't that interested/only interested in something casual with the person in question. The behavior described is typically not replying to texts for a while, leaving on "seen", being "busy" all the time etc. To me, the term "Emotionally unavailable" does not make sense for this type of situation, any more than "Gastronomically unavailable" would make sense for someone who doesn't like a certain type of food. So what are some signs that someone is emotionally unavailable? What thoughts go through the head, how do they feel about romantic situations, how do they behave on dates, do they keep to themselves? Do they have strong views on independence? Any insights would be appreciated. What are the signs someone is emotionally unavailable? Did you ever notice it in yourself? I have been trying to date for the past few months and my experience have not been good. I have met a few people. All of them or either emotionally unavailable or don't want to invest time and emotions. I do understand that it is mostly because of some past experiences and fear.
There really is no clean answer as to why this may be so, but in the chance that a person is just emotionally unavailable- here's a glimpse at their brain. Sometimes in life we become emotionally unavailable. Meaning: there's just no room for anything real or with emotion. They may still be invested in something else that isn't working out, trying to get over a tragic past, or any other number of things. You may wonder why this person would start talking to you in the first place, but sometimes its just plain and simply because they are making an active effort to try to move forward with their lives and they just haven't reached that point yet and keep realizing it. No matter how badly a person wants to move forward, if they are still in love with someone else or if they are still recovering from a broken heart, it is impossible to move forward until they are ready and in the right mindset.
What do you think about this? Have you ever been on either side and how have you dealt with it on the receiving end or how have you overcome it as the emotionally unavailable person?
I am on the verge of giving up the need to look for the love in my life. Probably, it will happen someday in the future. I am really tired of everything. I want companionship but sadly, I am unable to find a right person.
A lot of people overtook the other threads, claiming that "emotionally unavailable" is just a cop-out term needy people use to describe others who aren't truly interested in them.
I disagree. I think there are a few major traits of an emotionally unavailable person:
Is never vulnerable with you
Hides emotions/never explains their emotions to you
Won't tell you how they feel about you - it's easy to dismiss people using the term as "needy," but when one partner won't tell the other what they are feeling, even if that feeling is nothing, it leads the other partner on
Has been emotionally traumatized from previous relationships/betrayals, and hasn't recovered well enough to pursue something new with you
This is the feminist in me speaking, but a lot of men have been conditioned/raised to believe that emotional displays are for women, and should be concealed.
Thus, I really don't think being emotionally unavailable is a myth, like so many of you have claimed. A person who is emotionally unavailable may be "just not into you" but often times, they won't tell you until you're deeply invested!
I am an emphatic person. What bothers me is why so many people around are like this now? Is it because of the way our life has changed because of technology or people don't value emotional connection anymore? It’s not good or bad. It just is. I think everyone is, to some degree, emotionally unavailable at some point in their lives. The most common reason is probably relationship trauma, but sometimes it’s just a need to focus on other things in one’s life. I was hooking up with a guy a while back. Irrelevant, but he was one of the prettiest men I’d ever seen. He let me know in no uncertain terms from the beginning that he was emotionally unavailable, which I appreciated, because I was able to know where the boundaries were. I could very easily have fallen for him because he was funny, freakishly smart, a musician- all the sexy things, but was able to stop myself because of his being very clear in establishing that boundary. I think emotional unavailability is only a problem if it’s a constant state, or if someone is being dishonest with themselves and/or others about it.
Emotionally unavailable means that a person is incapable of expressing their emotions the way someone would like them to do. They may not be ready for relationships and may have inconsistent relationships with family / friends and etc. It’s not because they might not want to, but because they aren’t able to give someone else what they may want in a deeper connection.
I'm emotionally unavailable and that means that I'm not willing to form an emotional connection with a potential partner. I won't get attached and I won't be the shoulder you lean on when you need somebody. I still care about people but there are very few people I have emotional availability for.
I 23(M) am not the most severe case of emotional unavailable but it’s enough to cause a problem. I go to therapy, work on myself a lot, and all that. But how am I supposed to stop being emotionally unavailable without getting into a relationship in order to test my progress and grow as a person or whatever? What kind of steps should I take?
Made a friend a year ago. We clicked, and were pretty close. But there were always peculiar cues, like she didnt want to meet me, or didnt want to make "online meetup" plans. We had a common discord server, she would tend to ignore my texts, even though she herself considered me a close friend. I thought she was being manipulative and all, but soon I figured it out, she is simply an emotionally unavailable person. TEXTBOOK emotionally unavailable person. You can google it now and every sign would match her behavior. She obv hasnt realised this. Not implying she is a bad person, she is a beautiful human being.
Emotionally unavailable women, what do you attribute your emotional unavailability to and how has it affected your relationships?
But it has started to become frustrating for me. I am a emotional person who likes a connection on a emotional level. How do I go about this?
Same thing with partners, but it gets more complicated. You need to communicate you expectations to your partner so they can complete them, so for example, say you really put a lot of effort into making food for your partner, and then they eat it without acknowledging your efforts, you might feel bad. At this moment, you could communicate that you were expecting a bit more of emotion from them, because you put your time, energy and effort into something that you thought they would appreciate. "What does this have to do with anything?" , you might be asking yourself and i will answer that "everything". The emotional unavailability of some people is demonstrated mostly when problems rise up, just like in my example, let's say that when you tell your partner that you felt not appreciated, they might answer badly, maybe shutting down and completely taking the request as an insult. They could say that with this request, you are telling them that they are a bad partner and that you shouldn't be with them. This unavailability is mostly negating to work with their and your emotions in a healthy way. Other example, could be the ghosting. An emotional unavailable person will ghost you when they don't feel like dealing with the responsibility of a relationship, or maybe something you do sparks an emotion that they do not know how to handle and they will just leave. Many times, I think, it will be an unwillingness to communicate about emotions.
