How do you not become a cold hearted person or scared of dating again if you’ve had your heart broken?
I’m the type of person who wears her heart on her sleeve. I’m pretty genuine, so what you see is what you get. I treated this guy pretty good and the way I would perceived how someone would love to be treated... with care and respect. But now, I feel like I’m being punished for wearing my heart so close to the surface and having it broken. Please help... Echoing everyone else here, but it’s important to not see that quality as a weakness, or let it interfere with how you connect with others in this context going forward. I try to use the situations where I got my heart broken to identify when I need to cut and run going forward - tell myself my feelings are valid, they are not being returned, I should leave the situation - versus shutting down.
The people who would punish you for such a thing aren't the people you should be spending your time with. It can be difficult to identify them without some investment of time and emotions from you, but the thing is that you're stronger than you realize. You will survive hurt feelings and even heartbreak; what you'll regret is living your life according to the fear of being hurt and never taking a chance.
I’m a guy who was in a long relationship. All I wanted from my spouse was for her to be supportive of me, appreciate what I brought to the table and, in general, treat me as I treated her. When I learned she was having an affair, I chose to pursue counseling and try to make it work but it takes two and she had no interest in continuing our relationship. She spent a good amount of energy identifying what she perceived as my failings as permission for her infidelity. Point is, there are guys out there who are interested in a great partnership, who are committed to growing with a woman and who will love a woman as she is with the hope of adding a little happiness to it - and hope for the same in kind. Hopefully, we’ll both find that!
Take the time to do some good self-care to get your feet back under you and reset. Time makes it less awful and helps you get back to yourself. I went through a really bad breakup about 6 weeks ago and I couldn't hardly eat or sleep at first, but I focused on completing coursework and making new friends. I have been kind to myself. I'll know I'm ready when I'm excited to meet someone again, and feel that I can treat him fairly. If you go into it acting like everybody will hurt you and being unable to trust, it'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy :(.
By realizing not all men are those men that hurt me. I know that sounds rather simplistic. It's something I realized young because of circumstances that were beyond my control. I don't intend to get into them here but if I hadn't had this epiphany I would have never been able to go on and have any relationships in life. It carried forward as well and allows me to look at each new person as their own individual with their own thoughts and motives. And to avoid having preconceived notions.
I would say work on the relationship with yourself; figure out what you want and need. Make some changes in your life. I’m exercising more and going out more than I used to. You could also look for a therapist that deals with relationship and childhood issues if you think that would help.
One thing I’ve been learning about is something called attachment theory. There are four basic styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized) and figuring out which type you are will help you understand how you have behaved in relationships. Like an anxious and avoidant will drive each other crazy because the avoidant will withdraw every time the anxious person gets close and seeks affection and reassurance. The avoidant can’t handle th intense emotions of the anxious. I’m a disorganized and go between wanting affection and being terrified of it, so when looking for partners in the future one thing I will try to figure out her style and show understanding. Some people just need more space and that’s ok.
One last thing—look up limerence. It’s basically like being high on the other person. Most people experience it at some point in the relationship, but for like 5-10% of the population it’s like a drug. Dr. Helen Fisher has some Ted talks on it on youtube. You'll get through this, and I fully agree with another poster: Being able to be open and vulnerable is strength, not weakness. It takes a strong person to deal with heartbreak. That's why so many people still in the dating world won't do it; they're too afraid, so they hurt others instead so that they won't be the ones hurt.
I’ve gone into limerence at least three times and it is absolutely intoxicating. You’re happy, energized, don’t need sleep, but you obsess about the other person. I have been dumped while I was in that state (probably because I was smothering the other person) and it is both devastating and paralyzing.
You give it time, recognize we are all complicated human beings, stop taking things so personally bc it usually isn’t, and wait until you are solid again to date. I make sure enough time has passed so that I don’t accidentally push my baggage on others. My next date is not my last date. Imagine you begin dating and treating someone strange (many ways this can be done) bc of heartbreak. They take it personally and as a reflection of them. The cycle continues. Stop being a victim, bring love, strength, and authenticity to the table instead. Don’t settle and don’t force things. I’m not saying you won’t be rejected. You absolutely will be. We all are if we put ourselves out there. But how you respond and continue on in the dating world- you DO have control over
He was always rude and selfish to everyone. For scoring good in 10th grade 5 students including me were given monthly scholarships for 2 year to cover all education expenses, he was one of them. I and another among them did bad in 11th grade, so he wrote a complain to the principal would why would we still get the scholarship money even though it was for scoring good in 10th and was for 2 yrs and went on pushing the principal about it. Well fate served him right as in the final board exam he was the one who did poor and everyone else did well
With the anxious attachment style, what happens is that a person basically reverts to an infantile state of mind (literally) and experiences the fear of one’s parents leaving you — which means death. That’s why people do crazy things like stalk their ex and say things like “I can’t live without you” and so on.
Try to keep yourself busy and get help if you need it. I would kindly suggest cutting off contact with your ex (and not following him on social media) until you’re in a better state. Coming out of limerence because of a breakup is like going through heroine or cocaine withdrawal. You could look up love addiction too.
The people who would punish you for such a thing aren't the people you should be spending your time with. It can be difficult to identify them without some investment of time and emotions from you, but the thing is that you're stronger than you realize. You will survive hurt feelings and even heartbreak; what you'll regret is living your life according to the fear of being hurt and never taking a chance.
I’m a guy who was in a long relationship. All I wanted from my spouse was for her to be supportive of me, appreciate what I brought to the table and, in general, treat me as I treated her. When I learned she was having an affair, I chose to pursue counseling and try to make it work but it takes two and she had no interest in continuing our relationship. She spent a good amount of energy identifying what she perceived as my failings as permission for her infidelity. Point is, there are guys out there who are interested in a great partnership, who are committed to growing with a woman and who will love a woman as she is with the hope of adding a little happiness to it - and hope for the same in kind. Hopefully, we’ll both find that!
Take the time to do some good self-care to get your feet back under you and reset. Time makes it less awful and helps you get back to yourself. I went through a really bad breakup about 6 weeks ago and I couldn't hardly eat or sleep at first, but I focused on completing coursework and making new friends. I have been kind to myself. I'll know I'm ready when I'm excited to meet someone again, and feel that I can treat him fairly. If you go into it acting like everybody will hurt you and being unable to trust, it'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy :(.
By realizing not all men are those men that hurt me. I know that sounds rather simplistic. It's something I realized young because of circumstances that were beyond my control. I don't intend to get into them here but if I hadn't had this epiphany I would have never been able to go on and have any relationships in life. It carried forward as well and allows me to look at each new person as their own individual with their own thoughts and motives. And to avoid having preconceived notions.
I would say work on the relationship with yourself; figure out what you want and need. Make some changes in your life. I’m exercising more and going out more than I used to. You could also look for a therapist that deals with relationship and childhood issues if you think that would help.
One thing I’ve been learning about is something called attachment theory. There are four basic styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized) and figuring out which type you are will help you understand how you have behaved in relationships. Like an anxious and avoidant will drive each other crazy because the avoidant will withdraw every time the anxious person gets close and seeks affection and reassurance. The avoidant can’t handle th intense emotions of the anxious. I’m a disorganized and go between wanting affection and being terrified of it, so when looking for partners in the future one thing I will try to figure out her style and show understanding. Some people just need more space and that’s ok.
One last thing—look up limerence. It’s basically like being high on the other person. Most people experience it at some point in the relationship, but for like 5-10% of the population it’s like a drug. Dr. Helen Fisher has some Ted talks on it on youtube. You'll get through this, and I fully agree with another poster: Being able to be open and vulnerable is strength, not weakness. It takes a strong person to deal with heartbreak. That's why so many people still in the dating world won't do it; they're too afraid, so they hurt others instead so that they won't be the ones hurt.
I’ve gone into limerence at least three times and it is absolutely intoxicating. You’re happy, energized, don’t need sleep, but you obsess about the other person. I have been dumped while I was in that state (probably because I was smothering the other person) and it is both devastating and paralyzing.
You give it time, recognize we are all complicated human beings, stop taking things so personally bc it usually isn’t, and wait until you are solid again to date. I make sure enough time has passed so that I don’t accidentally push my baggage on others. My next date is not my last date. Imagine you begin dating and treating someone strange (many ways this can be done) bc of heartbreak. They take it personally and as a reflection of them. The cycle continues. Stop being a victim, bring love, strength, and authenticity to the table instead. Don’t settle and don’t force things. I’m not saying you won’t be rejected. You absolutely will be. We all are if we put ourselves out there. But how you respond and continue on in the dating world- you DO have control over
He was always rude and selfish to everyone. For scoring good in 10th grade 5 students including me were given monthly scholarships for 2 year to cover all education expenses, he was one of them. I and another among them did bad in 11th grade, so he wrote a complain to the principal would why would we still get the scholarship money even though it was for scoring good in 10th and was for 2 yrs and went on pushing the principal about it. Well fate served him right as in the final board exam he was the one who did poor and everyone else did well
With the anxious attachment style, what happens is that a person basically reverts to an infantile state of mind (literally) and experiences the fear of one’s parents leaving you — which means death. That’s why people do crazy things like stalk their ex and say things like “I can’t live without you” and so on.
Try to keep yourself busy and get help if you need it. I would kindly suggest cutting off contact with your ex (and not following him on social media) until you’re in a better state. Coming out of limerence because of a breakup is like going through heroine or cocaine withdrawal. You could look up love addiction too.
