Why is being nice or just generous in life benefits only others and not yourself?
First I’m not one of those nice guys that thinks that by being polite or slightly invested into someone that they deserve the world in return. Im just trying to figure out as a human how can being nice affect me in a good way . I feel like it only brought me pain and sadness throughout my life. Seeing other smile and having fun and smile and being grateful of my presence makes me happy but at the end of the day, being like that will eventually bring me down..
Sorry for the poor phrasing English isn’t my main form of language. In what way are you incredibly stingy? I need some help with financial anxieties I struggle with. I consider myself to be relatively frugal. I splurge on things like groceries and clothing but I'm always trying to find the best price for what I buy. I grew up in a family of immigrants (from a com munist country) that were not generous whatsoever. I was essentially raised with a scarcity mindset around money and almost feel that I need to hoard it. I have a decent savings account and my salary is in the $80ks, although I live in an extremely expensive city. I struggle with being generous. I'll buy my partner nice gifts for holidays but outside of that I feel resentful if I notice I'm covering more things than them. I get anxiety at group dinners. I feel that the anxiety is primarily when I don't feel in control of my spending (ie. pressure to donate, splitting bills when out with boujie friends, etc). I also struggle with buying something that I know I can get for less at another time or somewhere else. I also think this attitude may be related to some childhood tr auma. My mother would always give me money or take me shopping when my father was abusive. It felt like her way of making it up to me. I feel a lot of shame for being this way. I'm hoping to become less attached and more relaxed about money. Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated! In a nutshell, I'm very giving when it comes to just about everything. I'm willing to drop just about everything to help friends with problems. I try to help the homeless either by giving food or money. I don't have a problem at all with picking up the cost of a lunch date, especially if It's under $20. If they wanna split it, or take turns buying rounds, I'm good with that too. In the bedroom, I'm very much focused on my partner's pleasure. It's not out of a sense of insecurity; I have a very good sense of who I am. I'm not under any delusion that my generosity is going to make women throw their panties at me, or that I have sort of moral high ground from which I can claim entitlement. I don't have a Messiah Complex; I just want to be a positive force in the lives of those I meet, regardless of the relationship dynamic. However, I feel like It's holding me back in my dating life by giving off the appearance of a doormat or a "nice guy", which I don't believe is the case at all. Yeah, I'm pretty chill and I understand that my paradigm doesn't exactly sync up with other people's so I'm willing to let some things go, but I'm not afraid to stand up for myself or my beliefs if and when challenged. I'm no pickup artist, but I do alright when it comes to getting dates, but I have issues when it comes to getting off the ground. I'm a little concerned It's due to some kind of vibe I'm giving off due to my personality.
So what do I do here? is this the problem or should I look at other aspects of myself? How generous were/are you with presents for loved ones when you were younger? I have called naive and blind by so many people in the past because I would I have empathy and understanding for people and I don't like to generalize people into negative roles or stereotypes. They get on me for defending and helping people who they felt were bad to the core or too stubborn to change their bad ways. I think all those lines of reasoning have rubbed off on me. And unlike them, I haven't been burned, abused or betrayed by anyone to feel what it's like.
So I think I really am a bit naive and oblivious to be this nice and kind. I'm at a lost as to why people are so restrictive and selective to who exactly they trust or help (or anyone at all) and I'm wasting my time with helping some people.
Sorry for the poor phrasing English isn’t my main form of language. In what way are you incredibly stingy? I need some help with financial anxieties I struggle with. I consider myself to be relatively frugal. I splurge on things like groceries and clothing but I'm always trying to find the best price for what I buy. I grew up in a family of immigrants (from a com munist country) that were not generous whatsoever. I was essentially raised with a scarcity mindset around money and almost feel that I need to hoard it. I have a decent savings account and my salary is in the $80ks, although I live in an extremely expensive city. I struggle with being generous. I'll buy my partner nice gifts for holidays but outside of that I feel resentful if I notice I'm covering more things than them. I get anxiety at group dinners. I feel that the anxiety is primarily when I don't feel in control of my spending (ie. pressure to donate, splitting bills when out with boujie friends, etc). I also struggle with buying something that I know I can get for less at another time or somewhere else. I also think this attitude may be related to some childhood tr auma. My mother would always give me money or take me shopping when my father was abusive. It felt like her way of making it up to me. I feel a lot of shame for being this way. I'm hoping to become less attached and more relaxed about money. Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated! In a nutshell, I'm very giving when it comes to just about everything. I'm willing to drop just about everything to help friends with problems. I try to help the homeless either by giving food or money. I don't have a problem at all with picking up the cost of a lunch date, especially if It's under $20. If they wanna split it, or take turns buying rounds, I'm good with that too. In the bedroom, I'm very much focused on my partner's pleasure. It's not out of a sense of insecurity; I have a very good sense of who I am. I'm not under any delusion that my generosity is going to make women throw their panties at me, or that I have sort of moral high ground from which I can claim entitlement. I don't have a Messiah Complex; I just want to be a positive force in the lives of those I meet, regardless of the relationship dynamic. However, I feel like It's holding me back in my dating life by giving off the appearance of a doormat or a "nice guy", which I don't believe is the case at all. Yeah, I'm pretty chill and I understand that my paradigm doesn't exactly sync up with other people's so I'm willing to let some things go, but I'm not afraid to stand up for myself or my beliefs if and when challenged. I'm no pickup artist, but I do alright when it comes to getting dates, but I have issues when it comes to getting off the ground. I'm a little concerned It's due to some kind of vibe I'm giving off due to my personality.
So what do I do here? is this the problem or should I look at other aspects of myself? How generous were/are you with presents for loved ones when you were younger? I have called naive and blind by so many people in the past because I would I have empathy and understanding for people and I don't like to generalize people into negative roles or stereotypes. They get on me for defending and helping people who they felt were bad to the core or too stubborn to change their bad ways. I think all those lines of reasoning have rubbed off on me. And unlike them, I haven't been burned, abused or betrayed by anyone to feel what it's like.
So I think I really am a bit naive and oblivious to be this nice and kind. I'm at a lost as to why people are so restrictive and selective to who exactly they trust or help (or anyone at all) and I'm wasting my time with helping some people.
