Have you had close relationships with grandparents or other elders during your life?
What memories come to mind when you think of them? Do you have, or have you had, a close connection with a grandparent or an elder? What is, or was, your relationship like?
What do you think makes relationships with people from a different generation unique?
What is one item, like the candy bowl belonging to Ms. Facciolo’s grandmother, that reminds you of this person?
What is one special memory you have with this person? How close are/were you to your grandparents (paternal & maternal)? Would you change it? Why or why not? If you have a positive relationship with your grandparents, remember to tell them how much you love and care about them. Title says it all but to elaborate; we are parents of 2 children (5,2) and we never get a break from our children. It's not only the fact that we (especially me as mom) never get a break from them, it actually hurts that these grandparents don't seem to want to even spend time with them or get to know them! Sure they'll be right there on Facebook to lavish every photo with love but nowhere to be found in person. Are we the only ones? Sorry for venting but I'm not sure whether I have unrealistic expectations here or if this is normal. Would you move in with your grandparents for a year at 26 if it meant you could save up $30k?
How would you feel, as a parent, if someone comes up to you and says something along the lines of "I would never put my child at risk by doing that"? You'd be doubting yourself. You might panic and start frantically Google-searching whatever that person was commenting on, to determine how you are endangering your child.What if our parents/in-laws feel the same way about how much the child care recommendations have changed since their generation had babies? What if when we step in as brand new parents with our brand new babies and start listing off all the rules we follow for keeping our babies safe from SIDS and potential risks, they start to feel invalidated as parents and child carers? And since it's not like they can go back in time to re-do how they raised their kids, maybe they get defensive and try to justify how "well so-and-so turned out fine"? They made the best decisions they could with the information they had at the time. Just like us, grandma read every baby book and parenting book she could get her hands on when she was a new mom. She grilled her mom and grandma for advice and suggestions, and trusted their opinions wholeheartedly because that was the norm back then. She's expecting to be that calm voice of wisdom now for her daughter/daughter-in-law... and is instead slapped in the face with "don't you dare do that to my baby". Some of the things they do are common sense! That MiL that is being a horrible person feeding baby the same bottle of formula all day long? Yeah... think about it a little... people make a big yummy meal using a fun new recipe they saw online, and put the leftovers in the fridge. Then they reheat the leftovers the next day and eat them again. Then they pack a lunch from those leftovers to take to work, and put that in the fridge, and then reheat it the next day. MiL isn't doing anything she wouldn't do with her own food... So when you tell her that she can't be trusted with baby's care anymore, she might get super defensive and confused because she doesn't see anything wrong with this situation! My younger brother and SiL had their first child before I did. My dad questions why SiL does the things she does, not because he is questioning her sanity or her logic or her ability to parent, but because he wants to understand why she does things differently than he knows how to do things. Instead of explaining, she just says "it's better this way". My dad is left feeling incapable of caring for his grandchildren, which he desperately wants to be able to do. These feelings of all his years of experience being invalidated are confirmed, however unintentionally, by the fact that my parents aren't given the same access and freedoms to SiL's children as her parents are. Dad questioning her decisions is interpreted as "he can't be trusted to follow the rules".I heard his frustrations before I had my first child. Now, when he asks me why I do things this way, I do my absolute best to explain the research I did and the discussions my partner and I had to come to these parenting decisions. It's a conversation, instead of "this is how we do things now". I'm not saying I have this all figured out. We don't have a great relationship with my in-laws and their access to our LO is restricted due to circumstances unrelated to how they care for her. But maybe someone else's relationship with their child's grandparents will improve from a little better communication and a little bit of grace. My husband and I both grew up with grandparents who lived with us/right next door and played a huge role in our childhood. I still call my grandma 2x a week and we visit his grandfather at least once a month to bring him lunch and hang out. My parents being so awesome with my niece contributed to my decision to have kids. For example, when my brother and SIL got covid, they took my niece for 2 full weeks to let them recover, and they both still work.
I see people post here about how they are stressed and wish they had more family help. There are always comments with tons of upvotes shaming them and telling them their parents don't "owe them anything" and they "raised their kids and are done now". It's really hard to raise kids without any help, and wasn't commonly done in the past. It's possible, but it's hard and takes a toll. I also think it's good for kids to interact and have relationships that extend past the nuclear family.
It seems like a lot of people think that kids are just some sort of obligation you quit after 18 years? I wouldn't want to be in a family where we define our relationships what we strictly "owe" each other. Part of the reason I wanted to have kids is because I want to have a family- I look forward to (hopefully) having grandchildren, or grandnieces/nephews one day and helping them as well. I understand some people have abusive parents and have to keep their kids away to keep them safe, but I keep seeing post after post of people who can't get their parents to take any interest in their kids. What causes this? I am an American and from a region of the country that is stereotyped as cold/independent, and this level of atomized individualization is shocking even to me.
I know people will say that it's not the grandparents job to take the kids and that's completely fine, I'm more surprised that they don't even want to spend time with them on any level!
What do you think makes relationships with people from a different generation unique?
What is one item, like the candy bowl belonging to Ms. Facciolo’s grandmother, that reminds you of this person?
What is one special memory you have with this person? How close are/were you to your grandparents (paternal & maternal)? Would you change it? Why or why not? If you have a positive relationship with your grandparents, remember to tell them how much you love and care about them. Title says it all but to elaborate; we are parents of 2 children (5,2) and we never get a break from our children. It's not only the fact that we (especially me as mom) never get a break from them, it actually hurts that these grandparents don't seem to want to even spend time with them or get to know them! Sure they'll be right there on Facebook to lavish every photo with love but nowhere to be found in person. Are we the only ones? Sorry for venting but I'm not sure whether I have unrealistic expectations here or if this is normal. Would you move in with your grandparents for a year at 26 if it meant you could save up $30k?
How would you feel, as a parent, if someone comes up to you and says something along the lines of "I would never put my child at risk by doing that"? You'd be doubting yourself. You might panic and start frantically Google-searching whatever that person was commenting on, to determine how you are endangering your child.What if our parents/in-laws feel the same way about how much the child care recommendations have changed since their generation had babies? What if when we step in as brand new parents with our brand new babies and start listing off all the rules we follow for keeping our babies safe from SIDS and potential risks, they start to feel invalidated as parents and child carers? And since it's not like they can go back in time to re-do how they raised their kids, maybe they get defensive and try to justify how "well so-and-so turned out fine"? They made the best decisions they could with the information they had at the time. Just like us, grandma read every baby book and parenting book she could get her hands on when she was a new mom. She grilled her mom and grandma for advice and suggestions, and trusted their opinions wholeheartedly because that was the norm back then. She's expecting to be that calm voice of wisdom now for her daughter/daughter-in-law... and is instead slapped in the face with "don't you dare do that to my baby". Some of the things they do are common sense! That MiL that is being a horrible person feeding baby the same bottle of formula all day long? Yeah... think about it a little... people make a big yummy meal using a fun new recipe they saw online, and put the leftovers in the fridge. Then they reheat the leftovers the next day and eat them again. Then they pack a lunch from those leftovers to take to work, and put that in the fridge, and then reheat it the next day. MiL isn't doing anything she wouldn't do with her own food... So when you tell her that she can't be trusted with baby's care anymore, she might get super defensive and confused because she doesn't see anything wrong with this situation! My younger brother and SiL had their first child before I did. My dad questions why SiL does the things she does, not because he is questioning her sanity or her logic or her ability to parent, but because he wants to understand why she does things differently than he knows how to do things. Instead of explaining, she just says "it's better this way". My dad is left feeling incapable of caring for his grandchildren, which he desperately wants to be able to do. These feelings of all his years of experience being invalidated are confirmed, however unintentionally, by the fact that my parents aren't given the same access and freedoms to SiL's children as her parents are. Dad questioning her decisions is interpreted as "he can't be trusted to follow the rules".I heard his frustrations before I had my first child. Now, when he asks me why I do things this way, I do my absolute best to explain the research I did and the discussions my partner and I had to come to these parenting decisions. It's a conversation, instead of "this is how we do things now". I'm not saying I have this all figured out. We don't have a great relationship with my in-laws and their access to our LO is restricted due to circumstances unrelated to how they care for her. But maybe someone else's relationship with their child's grandparents will improve from a little better communication and a little bit of grace. My husband and I both grew up with grandparents who lived with us/right next door and played a huge role in our childhood. I still call my grandma 2x a week and we visit his grandfather at least once a month to bring him lunch and hang out. My parents being so awesome with my niece contributed to my decision to have kids. For example, when my brother and SIL got covid, they took my niece for 2 full weeks to let them recover, and they both still work.
I see people post here about how they are stressed and wish they had more family help. There are always comments with tons of upvotes shaming them and telling them their parents don't "owe them anything" and they "raised their kids and are done now". It's really hard to raise kids without any help, and wasn't commonly done in the past. It's possible, but it's hard and takes a toll. I also think it's good for kids to interact and have relationships that extend past the nuclear family.
It seems like a lot of people think that kids are just some sort of obligation you quit after 18 years? I wouldn't want to be in a family where we define our relationships what we strictly "owe" each other. Part of the reason I wanted to have kids is because I want to have a family- I look forward to (hopefully) having grandchildren, or grandnieces/nephews one day and helping them as well. I understand some people have abusive parents and have to keep their kids away to keep them safe, but I keep seeing post after post of people who can't get their parents to take any interest in their kids. What causes this? I am an American and from a region of the country that is stereotyped as cold/independent, and this level of atomized individualization is shocking even to me.
I know people will say that it's not the grandparents job to take the kids and that's completely fine, I'm more surprised that they don't even want to spend time with them on any level!
