If i have to blow my brains out to get some peace

Well...i have enough money right here, right now, for a pistol. Im sick of them talking to me. Im sick of him trying to control me. He even controls how i feel unless i completely submit to him. Then the feeling is euphoric. But when im back in control the euphoria turns to grief. I hate this. I dont want to go back on meds. I would rather bite a barrel!