If i have to blow my brains out to get some peace

Well...i have enough money right here, right now, for a pistol. Im sick of them talking to me. Im sick of him trying to control me. He even controls how i feel unless i completely submit to him. Then the feeling is euphoric. But when im back in control the euphoria turns to grief. I hate this. I dont want to go back on meds. I would rather bite a barrel!

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DarkSideoftheMoon · 31-35, F

🥺 there has to be another way

ShadowOfMyself · 31-35, M

@DarkSideoftheMoon I'm sick of it sick of it sick of it! Ive been putting up with them for far too long and if all my problems, all these “people”, are all in my brain then i will shoot them dead!

SW-User

@ShadowOfMyself Who is he?

ShadowOfMyself · 31-35, M

In my head! He calls himself “Randy”@SW-User

DarkSideoftheMoon · 31-35, F

@ShadowOfMyself you hear voices?

SW-User

@ShadowOfMyself maybe it's best you follow the doctors advice? It doesn't entirely fit for me the wording but I'm not a shrink, but my ex's mom and her partner (more like a friend) were schizophrenic on meds and they knew just how their medication affected them, but I can say her Mom became someone to my ex again after she sought help.

ShadowOfMyself · 31-35, M

Not just hear them. I FEEL them@DarkSideoftheMoon

DarkSideoftheMoon · 31-35, F

@ShadowOfMyself can u try different meds?

ShadowOfMyself · 31-35, M

I tried different meds for two years. The only relief i have found was from weed. Kept everything chill without completely incapacitating me. But, being the egocentric doctors of america, they knew better than me. They knew my body and my brain better than me, despite me having it all my life. “Weed exacerbates your condition and makes you hear more voices”
Um...no it doesnt. “Yes it does because im a doctor and im smart and youre dumb and im big and your little and im right and your wrong”
Then how come after i smoke everything is quiet and i can actually focus? “Because youre lying and making it up”
Thats the same dumbass who told me again and again “oh! That med wasnt supposed to do that! It was supposed to do the opposite. Lets try a different drug.” The evidence was there! Drugs do NOT affect me like the general population, regardless of the drug! But whatever cuz he was a doctor
SWEAR TO CHRIST. @DarkSideoftheMoon

DarkSideoftheMoon · 31-35, F

@ShadowOfMyself i think you should find a different doctor. I know people who have been prescribed medical marijuana for anxiety and pain. Can you see a different doctor?

ShadowOfMyself · 31-35, M

Ive seen a dozen. The only kind of weed product legal here in texas is CBD oil and that dont do anything for me at all. Sucks i have to break the law to maintain sanity. If i lose my sanity i hurt people. Ive spilt so much blood just for fun before i started smoking. The system is rigged for people like me@DarkSideoftheMoon

Grateful4you · M

@ShadowOfMyself This one was an interesting read, you have an unusual style. One thing I would suggest is to remember to write with paragraphs, each time a new thought comes to mind start the new paragraph. Otherwise you end up with a wall of text people don't want to read.

ShadowOfMyself · 31-35, M

Hmmmm...i will try to remember tht@Grateful4you