I do not want to care

Whatever you want to do@luv2fly352

I am sorry for not getting back to you sooner.I know you're in crisis;If you'd like to talk it out here we can,or if you'd prefer to pm that's fine.I know first hand,from personal experiences,how difficult,harsh and traumatic life changing catastrophic events are to cope with,let alone understanding the how,what and why did this happen,is this happening to me,to "us"? When someone's deeply wounded, badly hurt,shock is immediate.Grief is the loneliest of emotions,so personal.We all essentially go through the five stages of processing grief:Denial,anger, bargaining,grief,acceptance.I don't walk in your shoes so who am i to say everything's going to be okay because it isn't.This is a time for healing,not engaging in self destructive behavior or thoughts of self harming.You will survive,gain more strength of character,maturity and knowledge of self as a man does.It is always in all ways good for a man to occasionally take a fierce moral inventory of his own thoughts and actions toward others and never forget that the ancestor to every action is a thought! Don't leave this world;stay and make it a better place.God be with you!

Nobody wants me to stay on this earth. I contribute nothing, but I consume everything. I am a parasite, just like every single human on this planet. I have no aspirations. No goals. No dreams. I live to die. I’m just waiting for it because I would hurt those close to me if I took my own life. So an “accident” is what I’m waiting on, if you catch my drift. I work 70-80 hours a week now and I don’t want to do anything but go back to the strip club and pay for some affection. Better than drinking and popping by myself I suppose. If I’m going to have to live for myself, by myself, self destruction is my only path. It’s the only thing I want I guess. I want to suffer, apparently. Every day I care a little less. I’m starting not to care about anything @luv2fly352

If i'm not being too inquisitive,too personal,may i ask how you've reached this point in your life? A break up? A divorce? A betrayal? A series of events?

All of the above. All of my friends have died, except for a few new ones I’ve only just recently made. Suicides. All except one, that was an accident. Constant mental abuse from my classmates and teachers. I would get antagonised to the point of retaliation and then I would get in trouble for starting it. It didn’t matter how many teachers saw it, they hated me too. They were all on the same team and I had me and myself. I don’t know why, I never did anything to them. I don’t know why every single person targeted me. My parents were the exact same way until high school. They would threaten to stab my legs if I couldn’t keep them still and it burned really badly if I made them be still. They had to move, or I was hurting. Move and I get hurt. My mother told me on a daily basis how ugly she thought I was. She loved to pick fights and have me arrested, looking like a lunatic. Anytime I thought someone liked me or wanted to be a friend to me it turned out to be some sort of joke to put me in a position to be laughed at. It wasn’t until high school and I started getting....smart....that my parents started to understand where I was coming from. Had to have counselling and therapy just so they would allow me back in school even though I’ve been the victim. I became what many would call “evil”. I had no regard for human life whatsoever. I started lashing out at the entire town in the form of random acts of violence. I saw someone walking alone at night, I attacked him. Left him by the side of the road unconscious and bleeding. I didn’t take a dime off him. My only motive was to release aggression and punish the wicked. Did I know this man? I did not. But he screwed someone over at some point in his life. He stole something from someone and got away with it. I just considered it punishment for something he got away with and I felt better afterwards. I took an intrest into indirect assault. I figured out ways to hurt people without being in the same room. I was in love with what I was doing. Then I met someone who didn’t enjoy it as much as I did, but I liked her so I toned it back more and more. I became pretty docile. We were together two years before she said she wanted to get married. So we did. We were married 5 years, all the time the person who I used to be would come creeping to the surface and scare or hurt her. She finally had enough and told me to get lost. She told me that she would be by my side no matter what the obstacle. Even if I have to battle a separate personality for dominance and I lose sometimes, she’s supposed to be there for me. She lied. I get that there’s so much a person can take, but she knew me before she asked me to marry her. She was confident she could handle it. I wasn’t. I was right. In the end, I’m always right in a way. The person I had buried is clawing his way back to the surface. He’s angry and he wants dominance. I think I’m going to let him take over and kill this side of me. I was a lot happier roaming the streets at 3am high and drunk as hell looking for people to fight. I don’t care if they fight back. Never have @luv2fly352

Your posts reveal a young man of intelligence.Your sentence structure,punctuation and grammar are spot on.You show creativity in relating your life experiences.I'm thinking you'd make a great writer if you chose that path.I'm also guessing that some of your choices may've involved law enforcement? Do you have children? If so,surely they're worth sticking around for? Working 70 to 80 hours a week shows you're not lazy.How are you getting along at work? Any hobbies?

I do write. I have many stories. I’ve posted one on here. I’m against law enforcement. I can’t trust anyone in any position of power. They are human, they will abuse it. Almost had a child. We would have lost it if we chose to keep it. Her immune system targeted the fetus. Work is fine except for one ignorant bitch who thinks she knows more than the entire internet. One person up there likes her. Nobody else. All her brains are in her ass and she lets everyone know it. I love to do drugs, play video games, and most recently, go to the strip club. @luv2fly352

Neither do i trust law enforcement though i've never been arrested.Neither do i trust in government due to my military experiences and sensitive government background both here and abroad.I am also familiar with the kind of person you described at your place of work.Many of my fellow combat veterans are gone now. Some due to service connected disabilities,some due to self destructive behavior; the last one,a year ago,was suicide by cop.All i do is go to memorial services and funerals but that too is part of life.Do you still have contact with your ex wife,if i may ask?

Yeah. She doesn’t want me sleeping in my truck so she’s waiting for me to find another place to stay. Almost had one too, it was taken from underneath me after being promised to me. Ohwell. Life story right there. @luv2fly352

She cares enough about your welfare to keep a roof over your head,so clearly she didn't fear for her safety enough to have you removed by police,followed by a restraining order.Freedom is a precious thing;don't lose it.I've met many of my veterans who'd been in jail;never met one who wanted to go back.Take care!