I was watching some of the videos I made while we were in the van...
We got an Airbnb in Phoenix for a few days to take a break, do some laundry, take a hot shower.
I don't remember taking it, but the video starts with my son happily dancing around, spreading out and enjoying the space. I recorded the rooms in the apartment, focusing on the shower, the blessed shower.
I'm talking about how I miss having a place, then my voice breaks and I start crying. I say, it's getting really hard to do it all alone, I'm so tired, I'm falling apart, and nobody knows or cares...
And that was the truth 😔
The van adventure was not a joyride. It was not a vacation. I put us through hell. I put us in danger at times. I'm from fucking Delaware. The only predators here are PA drivers.
Yes I was brave and we saw SO much of the country. It all sounds cool. But I was miserable, sad and anxious. I felt so alone. It was too much, to lose my parents, to sell my home, to live on the road while my son was seven. He needed stability and safety, and I ripped it all away from him.
It was a confusing time after covid. I was trying for us to have fun, to learn and grow, but nothing outshines what a selfish jerk it made me. I was a jerk to my little boy too many times. I resented my entire situation and in trying to make life meaningful, I did the opposite.
If I could make the choice all over again, I wouldn't of left. I wouldn't of sold my perfect little house, the home my son knew.
I can't go back. I can't change what I did. No matter how cool it was, it wasn't the right choice.
So I've made myself a promise, for my son. That I will do whatever it takes to provide him the stability that he deserves. To be present, patient and gentle. To show him he always has and always will deserve a mother who is safe and steady. I put us on wheels when we needed a rock.
I do miss the van. And one day I may live that life again. But my son will be grown and have EVERYTHING he needs before I ever do something crazy again.
I'm angry at myself. I was irresponsible. I'd never been like that. I was always responsible and doting to my family and friends. But it all was ripped away from me. Violently. In ways I don't care to explain anymore. I just need to focus on where I started going wrong, and NEVER EVER take that path again.
I thought I would feel joy looking back on these videos I took. But I am disgusted with myself. With the tone of my voice, with the venom in my words. I didn't deserve all I had, so it's no wonder I lost it all. And part of me wants to delete all these videos. To forget who I was and start new.
I thought I liked myself, but I guess I don't.
All I care about now is being a person I do like and most importantly, being a good mom. Giving my precious boy the life he always deserved.
I don't remember taking it, but the video starts with my son happily dancing around, spreading out and enjoying the space. I recorded the rooms in the apartment, focusing on the shower, the blessed shower.
I'm talking about how I miss having a place, then my voice breaks and I start crying. I say, it's getting really hard to do it all alone, I'm so tired, I'm falling apart, and nobody knows or cares...
And that was the truth 😔
The van adventure was not a joyride. It was not a vacation. I put us through hell. I put us in danger at times. I'm from fucking Delaware. The only predators here are PA drivers.
Yes I was brave and we saw SO much of the country. It all sounds cool. But I was miserable, sad and anxious. I felt so alone. It was too much, to lose my parents, to sell my home, to live on the road while my son was seven. He needed stability and safety, and I ripped it all away from him.
It was a confusing time after covid. I was trying for us to have fun, to learn and grow, but nothing outshines what a selfish jerk it made me. I was a jerk to my little boy too many times. I resented my entire situation and in trying to make life meaningful, I did the opposite.
If I could make the choice all over again, I wouldn't of left. I wouldn't of sold my perfect little house, the home my son knew.
I can't go back. I can't change what I did. No matter how cool it was, it wasn't the right choice.
So I've made myself a promise, for my son. That I will do whatever it takes to provide him the stability that he deserves. To be present, patient and gentle. To show him he always has and always will deserve a mother who is safe and steady. I put us on wheels when we needed a rock.
I do miss the van. And one day I may live that life again. But my son will be grown and have EVERYTHING he needs before I ever do something crazy again.
I'm angry at myself. I was irresponsible. I'd never been like that. I was always responsible and doting to my family and friends. But it all was ripped away from me. Violently. In ways I don't care to explain anymore. I just need to focus on where I started going wrong, and NEVER EVER take that path again.
I thought I would feel joy looking back on these videos I took. But I am disgusted with myself. With the tone of my voice, with the venom in my words. I didn't deserve all I had, so it's no wonder I lost it all. And part of me wants to delete all these videos. To forget who I was and start new.
I thought I liked myself, but I guess I don't.
All I care about now is being a person I do like and most importantly, being a good mom. Giving my precious boy the life he always deserved.
41-45, F
