The safe word was peaches.
The more I said peaches the harder he went. Afterwards he said he thought that's what I wanted. I had talked to him extensively about consent beforehand. He understood it but he played dumb. He had also pressued me into not using a condom by throwing a fit. I remember just disassociating,trying to leave my body. Let it be a seperate thing I would inhabit again when he was done. I no longer had control of my life. I was paralyzed. He was 100lbs heavier than me. A part of me died that day and I didn't even know it. I stayed with him. I pretended it didn't happen. I continued having sex with him, I continued to love him. I refused to view it as rape because I didn't want to deal with it. It wasn't until months after breaking up with him that I realized he raped me. It was during a conversation with a friend who told me about going to the cops after a guy removed the condom without her consent. That's a form of rape that's recognised by the law. I was so proud of her and then all of a sudden it was like the world around me was shattering. I was walking in public and I had to fight the tears and that's when I heard myself say to myself she went to the cops to report her rapist and you continued to date him. The guilt and shame flooded me. The memory started to get less foggy. I remembered the safe word today for the first time since it happened.
I don't think he thinks of himself as a rapist. The fact that I brushed it off probably made it seem like it was nothing but that was because I was traumatized. I still am. I'm doing a lot better now that I'm acknowledging it. He cheated on me in the same room that he raped me and god knows who else. I doubt I was the first or the last. All while being the leader of the worship team at his church.
There's no justice for me. He'll never be punished or experience any negative consequences for raping me. There's no karma that will say on it "this is for the time you raped Pinkmoon." He will never blame himself or take any accountability.
Peaches
Peaches
Peaches
Peaches
Peaches
Peaches.
I don't think he thinks of himself as a rapist. The fact that I brushed it off probably made it seem like it was nothing but that was because I was traumatized. I still am. I'm doing a lot better now that I'm acknowledging it. He cheated on me in the same room that he raped me and god knows who else. I doubt I was the first or the last. All while being the leader of the worship team at his church.
There's no justice for me. He'll never be punished or experience any negative consequences for raping me. There's no karma that will say on it "this is for the time you raped Pinkmoon." He will never blame himself or take any accountability.
Peaches
Peaches
Peaches
Peaches
Peaches
Peaches.
26-30, F