It's Quite A Fucked Up Situation
Just a recap 'cos thill all come across as fuckin' weird, and I don't want it to be. I'm trying to be honest here and I think some background helps that.
Lovely mum and dad. Happy childhood. Brought up with an adopted older sister - I was a happy accident, by all accounts - very religious black family, y'know? Sweet and innocent, that was little ol' me.
My adopted sister got herself in with a bad crowd which, long story very short ended up with me being abducted, drugged, beaten, gang raped, put on the pill and then put to work as a prostitute.
I didn't earn enough? I'd get beaten. I wasn't nice enough/into it? I'd get beaten.
I worked in a brothel, smacked out of my head. When punters weren't fucking me, porn was playing on the TV. I didn't get any of the money, I had no clothes only hooking clothes.
The only time I went outside was to the clap clinic, to make sure I was clean, y'know? That was, like, for 6 or so years. Can't really remember. Was, obviously, cut off from my family.
Then, long story even shorter, I was rescued by another pimp - due to various things going down with some of my fellow hookers, there was a split in ranks. - and this one has looked after me well; Tried (trying. Work in progress) to get me off drugs and drink and all that shit, got me getting paid for my work and just generally more appreciated.
I still have the PTSD and worries about going out. Until recently it has just been to go to the clap clinic, but I'm able to venture out more now.
I was - fairly - professional at work, in the brothel, saving the getting shitfaced (just 'cos of all the thoughts in my brain and the forced-onto addictions) on days off. Thankfully, I have people in my life that do support and care for me and I am processing through all the crap.
I am, however, stuck between the here-and-now and the past. Not really wanting to make this a sexual thing, but this part is. So, I have around 20 punters a day for sex. All kinds, I need not spell that shit out, but sometimes I am lost in the moment and may just orgasm with the punter. Fine, they like that. Obviously my body does as well.
My brain, however, just goes back to that start - the constant rapes, the drugs, the alcohol etc - and I just repulse myself, feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world.
That just leads to more drinking and drugging to get over that. Sometimes I feel like killing myself, because of it all. I wouldn't 'cos of my religious background. But I just shoot up some more H and that seems to help make my world more manageable.
I have people that love me that have got me non-hooking clothes, that take me out to no normal things, and to get over this PTSD somewhat. It helps. I miss my old life. I miss my mum and dad.
Hope that all makes sense. I don't want it to, fuckin', get people excited or sexual. Rape isn't just that. It screws you up...hopefully not for life.
Thank you for listening.
🙏
Lovely mum and dad. Happy childhood. Brought up with an adopted older sister - I was a happy accident, by all accounts - very religious black family, y'know? Sweet and innocent, that was little ol' me.
My adopted sister got herself in with a bad crowd which, long story very short ended up with me being abducted, drugged, beaten, gang raped, put on the pill and then put to work as a prostitute.
I didn't earn enough? I'd get beaten. I wasn't nice enough/into it? I'd get beaten.
I worked in a brothel, smacked out of my head. When punters weren't fucking me, porn was playing on the TV. I didn't get any of the money, I had no clothes only hooking clothes.
The only time I went outside was to the clap clinic, to make sure I was clean, y'know? That was, like, for 6 or so years. Can't really remember. Was, obviously, cut off from my family.
Then, long story even shorter, I was rescued by another pimp - due to various things going down with some of my fellow hookers, there was a split in ranks. - and this one has looked after me well; Tried (trying. Work in progress) to get me off drugs and drink and all that shit, got me getting paid for my work and just generally more appreciated.
I still have the PTSD and worries about going out. Until recently it has just been to go to the clap clinic, but I'm able to venture out more now.
I was - fairly - professional at work, in the brothel, saving the getting shitfaced (just 'cos of all the thoughts in my brain and the forced-onto addictions) on days off. Thankfully, I have people in my life that do support and care for me and I am processing through all the crap.
I am, however, stuck between the here-and-now and the past. Not really wanting to make this a sexual thing, but this part is. So, I have around 20 punters a day for sex. All kinds, I need not spell that shit out, but sometimes I am lost in the moment and may just orgasm with the punter. Fine, they like that. Obviously my body does as well.
My brain, however, just goes back to that start - the constant rapes, the drugs, the alcohol etc - and I just repulse myself, feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world.
That just leads to more drinking and drugging to get over that. Sometimes I feel like killing myself, because of it all. I wouldn't 'cos of my religious background. But I just shoot up some more H and that seems to help make my world more manageable.
I have people that love me that have got me non-hooking clothes, that take me out to no normal things, and to get over this PTSD somewhat. It helps. I miss my old life. I miss my mum and dad.
Hope that all makes sense. I don't want it to, fuckin', get people excited or sexual. Rape isn't just that. It screws you up...hopefully not for life.
Thank you for listening.
🙏
22-25, F
