It's Quite A Fucked Up Situation
Just a recap 'cos thill all come across as fuckin' weird, and I don't want it to be. I'm trying to be honest here and I think some background helps that.
Lovely mum and dad. Happy childhood. Brought up with an adopted older sister - I was a happy accident, by all accounts - very religious black family, y'know? Sweet and innocent, that was little ol' me.
My adopted sister got herself in with a bad crowd which, long story very short ended up with me being abducted, drugged, beaten, gang raped, put on the pill and then put to work as a prostitute.
I didn't earn enough? I'd get beaten. I wasn't nice enough/into it? I'd get beaten.
I worked in a brothel, smacked out of my head. When punters weren't fucking me, porn was playing on the TV. I didn't get any of the money, I had no clothes only hooking clothes.
The only time I went outside was to the clap clinic, to make sure I was clean, y'know? That was, like, for 6 or so years. Can't really remember. Was, obviously, cut off from my family.
Then, long story even shorter, I was rescued by another pimp - due to various things going down with some of my fellow hookers, there was a split in ranks. - and this one has looked after me well; Tried (trying. Work in progress) to get me off drugs and drink and all that shit, got me getting paid for my work and just generally more appreciated.
I still have the PTSD and worries about going out. Until recently it has just been to go to the clap clinic, but I'm able to venture out more now.
I was - fairly - professional at work, in the brothel, saving the getting shitfaced (just 'cos of all the thoughts in my brain and the forced-onto addictions) on days off. Thankfully, I have people in my life that do support and care for me and I am processing through all the crap.
I am, however, stuck between the here-and-now and the past. Not really wanting to make this a sexual thing, but this part is. So, I have around 20 punters a day for sex. All kinds, I need not spell that shit out, but sometimes I am lost in the moment and may just orgasm with the punter. Fine, they like that. Obviously my body does as well.
My brain, however, just goes back to that start - the constant rapes, the drugs, the alcohol etc - and I just repulse myself, feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world.
That just leads to more drinking and drugging to get over that. Sometimes I feel like killing myself, because of it all. I wouldn't 'cos of my religious background. But I just shoot up some more H and that seems to help make my world more manageable.
I have people that love me that have got me non-hooking clothes, that take me out to no normal things, and to get over this PTSD somewhat. It helps. I miss my old life. I miss my mum and dad.
Hope that all makes sense. I don't want it to, fuckin', get people excited or sexual. Rape isn't just that. It screws you up...hopefully not for life.
Thank you for listening.
馃檹
Lovely mum and dad. Happy childhood. Brought up with an adopted older sister - I was a happy accident, by all accounts - very religious black family, y'know? Sweet and innocent, that was little ol' me.
My adopted sister got herself in with a bad crowd which, long story very short ended up with me being abducted, drugged, beaten, gang raped, put on the pill and then put to work as a prostitute.
I didn't earn enough? I'd get beaten. I wasn't nice enough/into it? I'd get beaten.
I worked in a brothel, smacked out of my head. When punters weren't fucking me, porn was playing on the TV. I didn't get any of the money, I had no clothes only hooking clothes.
The only time I went outside was to the clap clinic, to make sure I was clean, y'know? That was, like, for 6 or so years. Can't really remember. Was, obviously, cut off from my family.
Then, long story even shorter, I was rescued by another pimp - due to various things going down with some of my fellow hookers, there was a split in ranks. - and this one has looked after me well; Tried (trying. Work in progress) to get me off drugs and drink and all that shit, got me getting paid for my work and just generally more appreciated.
I still have the PTSD and worries about going out. Until recently it has just been to go to the clap clinic, but I'm able to venture out more now.
I was - fairly - professional at work, in the brothel, saving the getting shitfaced (just 'cos of all the thoughts in my brain and the forced-onto addictions) on days off. Thankfully, I have people in my life that do support and care for me and I am processing through all the crap.
I am, however, stuck between the here-and-now and the past. Not really wanting to make this a sexual thing, but this part is. So, I have around 20 punters a day for sex. All kinds, I need not spell that shit out, but sometimes I am lost in the moment and may just orgasm with the punter. Fine, they like that. Obviously my body does as well.
My brain, however, just goes back to that start - the constant rapes, the drugs, the alcohol etc - and I just repulse myself, feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world.
That just leads to more drinking and drugging to get over that. Sometimes I feel like killing myself, because of it all. I wouldn't 'cos of my religious background. But I just shoot up some more H and that seems to help make my world more manageable.
I have people that love me that have got me non-hooking clothes, that take me out to no normal things, and to get over this PTSD somewhat. It helps. I miss my old life. I miss my mum and dad.
Hope that all makes sense. I don't want it to, fuckin', get people excited or sexual. Rape isn't just that. It screws you up...hopefully not for life.
Thank you for listening.
馃檹
22-25, F
