I got rapped by my friend when I was 13 years old while being drunk

He was a lil bit older than me. We met in the kids' camp in the summer. He was taking care of me, then we were getting drunk usually there. After I discovered that he's from my city, we met there after a month in the camp. We were hanging out alone or in the companies. We liked to smoke weed and drink a lot of alcohol. I was only 13. After that, on the party, all my friends left us alone and went somewhere. We've drinked like a 0,5 l of vodka and couldn't think normally. We were laying on the bed and after that he forced me to suck his dick. I was crying, telling him I don't want to. He grabbed my head by force and started doing it with my mouth. I couldn't do anything about it, I was only crying. I was too drunk to help myself. After that I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the hospital. It wasn't the only reason actually. In 3 days I tried to end my life, in 3 months I started to use hard syntetical drugs. I can't have sex with men normally, even who I love. This sexual trauma gives me thoughts, that EVERYONE use me for sexual fantasies and my body. My boyfriend usually asks me to send nudes or to let him masturbate to me, but I can't do it without vomit reflex, I feel really dirty with my body and I cry at nightswhen somebody ask me for sex or nudes. All men want the same. I'm from Eastern Europe, where rappings is a usual thing, a lot of my female friends got rapped, plus I live in criminal neighborhood. Half of my friends use drugs. I'm sober for 2 months. I used to take antidepressants when I was 14. Rn I have a loving boyfriend, but I still can't have a normal relationship just because of my mental issues and sexual traumas. I had sex in winter 2023 and after that I had a panic attack and tried to bite my arm off. It was my first sex after being rapped. Btw I turned 15 a month ago.