I Am a Survivor of Rape

In my previous posts I have spoken about how I want to speak about my experiences so that I can finally move on with my life. I’ve been speaking to a great guy on here who has made me realise that if I speak about the first time it happened in detail then I will have faced my greatest fear and things will start to get a little easier. I’m not posting this to make the guy look bad, as I’ve already said in previous posts we have moved past of it and he is one of the most important people in my life who I care about and love a lot. I just need to speak about this for me. I’m sorry if the level of detail is triggering or too much for anyone, I just feel this is something I have to talk about publicly so I won’t have to live with it only in my own head anymore. I was 10 years old. I was staying with him while my dad was away. He’d picked me up from school and we’d gone back to his house. He’d made me a snack like he usually did and then he said that he had some stuff to do and I should go to my room and do my homework while he did it. He said he’d be up to help me if I needed it when he was done. I did what he said and I went to the spare room in his house which used to be my room. I didn’t get changed out of my school uniform or anything, I just sat on the bed and started to do some homework. I’d done most of my homework and I was sitting trying to work out a couple of harder questions when he came in. He knocked on the door and then stuck his head in like he usually did and asked me if I was okay. I told him I was struggling a little and he asked if wanted some help. I told him yes please and he came in and sat down next to me on the bed. That was normal too. He looked at my work for a while and he helped me to answer it. After we’d done I didn’t really know what to do because usually he’d get up and go back downstairs and I’d go with him. But that evening he stayed sat with me. He asked me how I was getting on at school. I told him it was going really good but I was kind of nervous because my best friend was moving up to secondary school in September and I was scared of being without him. He told me it would be okay because I had other friends. He asked me why I was so worried about this particular friend leaving. He asked me if I liked this friend. I said yes, of course I did, he was my best friend. He laughed at me and he said that he didn’t mean like that. He asked me if I had a crush on my friend. He asked if my friend made me wet. I didn’t know what that meant at that age but I said that I didn’t have a crush on him. He asked me again if he made me wet. I said that I didn’t know what he meant. He laughed and he put his hand on the top of my leg. It was almost summer so I was wearing a skirt to school with no tights. He slid his hand up my leg and he said he would check for himself if I didn’t know what he meant. That was weird then so I tried to push him off of me. I told him to stop. That made him angry and he lunged at me all of a sudden. He shoved me down so he was laying on top of me. My legs were still off of the bed but he grabbed them and pulled them onto the bed and then changed position so he was on top of me again. I was screaming like a kid because I was scared and he put his hand over my mouth. I was trying to shove him off with my hands but he squeezed my mouth tighter. He told me to stay really still and quiet or he would really hurt me. He asked if I understood and I nodded. He took his hand away from my mouth and got off of me a little to undo his trousers. I obviously didn’t understand what he was doing completely but I knew he was really scaring me so as soon as he was off of me I wriggled away from him and off of the bed. He grabbed me and dragged me back. He threw me on the bed and held me down and then he flipped up my skirt, pulled my underwear down around my knees and forced himself inside me. I screamed and started to cry and thrash around because it hurt so much. He hit me and he told me to stop, he’d warned me. He thrust into me a few times but I wouldn’t stop moving or screaming or crying and he swore and told me this wasn’t working. He told me to turn over. He said that if I turned over he’d make it better. He said he was sorry. I wanted him to make it better because I was in so much pain so I turned over and he pulled my hips and told me to told me get on my hands and knees. I did what he said even though it seemed weird. He stroked my back a few times and while he did it he told me to make sure my arms were good and strong so that I held myself up. Then all of a sudden he pushed himself into me again. It hurt so much that my arms collapsed straight away and I fell face first into the pillow. He slapped me on the back hard then and told me that he’d told me not to do that. He left me where I was though. He took me from behind while I cried into the pillow because it hurt so much. Eventually he finished, although I didn’t realise that at the time. I was past caring though so I just stayed exactly where I was and cried. He sat down next to me and he rubbed my back while I cried. He pulled me down next to him so we were kind of spooning. I was still crying but he told me that I had to listen to him. He said that I was not to tell anyone, ever what we’d just done. He said that if I ever told anyone it would be bad for me because no one would believe me and he would tell everyone that I was a nasty little liar. He said my dad would be angry with me and we wouldn’t be able to do fun things together anymore. He threatened to hurt both me and my dad, and obviously I decided because of that not to speak out against him.