Feeling as if my mom should have known
TRIGGER WARNING: CHILD SEX ABUSE
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I used to harbor some bitterness toward my mother for never figuring out that the regular babysitter she hired was molesting me. But I know that's not completely fair now since she obviously wouldn't be around when this woman was molesting me, so she couldn't have known. But sometimes I still think she should have at least thought certain things were inappropriate.
I won't go into any details, but she did see things that the babysitter would do to me that I would be raising my eyebrows at if I saw a teenager touching a child that way, whether they were both girls or not. But perhaps I only say that because of what happened to me. I will say it's possible that what my mom saw my babysitter doing could have also been interpreted her just being affectionate or silly. Of course, I know that it wasn't and if it were a boy doing that to me, it wouldn't have been seen as anything but inappropriate.
There were was one time my mom actually walked in on her molesting me, but she didn't catch on. Again, I'm not going to get graphic, but my babysitter, being as brazen as she was by that point, started doing something to me right outside in the open. My mom showed up and I don't know what exactly she saw from her viewpoint, but she obviously didn't suspect a thing because she just asked us if we wanted anything to drink. I still remember my babysitter having the fear of god in her at that moment, thinking she got caught red-handed. Scared her enough to leave me be for the rest of that day, at least.
I resented my mom for quite a while after I started opening up about it. But I've come to understand that she just didn't know and my babysitter had the advantage of being a woman. No one ever suspects that a woman can be a child molester. I've let go of that resentment and now I feel bad for ever feeling that way. Especially since my mom became deeply upset with herself for not realizing and ended up having to take counseling with me for it. My mom and I rarely discuss my molestation, but when we do, she brings up how she wishes she had known every single time. I think that's something that's going to haunt her forever too.
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I used to harbor some bitterness toward my mother for never figuring out that the regular babysitter she hired was molesting me. But I know that's not completely fair now since she obviously wouldn't be around when this woman was molesting me, so she couldn't have known. But sometimes I still think she should have at least thought certain things were inappropriate.
I won't go into any details, but she did see things that the babysitter would do to me that I would be raising my eyebrows at if I saw a teenager touching a child that way, whether they were both girls or not. But perhaps I only say that because of what happened to me. I will say it's possible that what my mom saw my babysitter doing could have also been interpreted her just being affectionate or silly. Of course, I know that it wasn't and if it were a boy doing that to me, it wouldn't have been seen as anything but inappropriate.
There were was one time my mom actually walked in on her molesting me, but she didn't catch on. Again, I'm not going to get graphic, but my babysitter, being as brazen as she was by that point, started doing something to me right outside in the open. My mom showed up and I don't know what exactly she saw from her viewpoint, but she obviously didn't suspect a thing because she just asked us if we wanted anything to drink. I still remember my babysitter having the fear of god in her at that moment, thinking she got caught red-handed. Scared her enough to leave me be for the rest of that day, at least.
I resented my mom for quite a while after I started opening up about it. But I've come to understand that she just didn't know and my babysitter had the advantage of being a woman. No one ever suspects that a woman can be a child molester. I've let go of that resentment and now I feel bad for ever feeling that way. Especially since my mom became deeply upset with herself for not realizing and ended up having to take counseling with me for it. My mom and I rarely discuss my molestation, but when we do, she brings up how she wishes she had known every single time. I think that's something that's going to haunt her forever too.
