Caring for my molester
TRIGGER WARNING: CHILD SEX ABUSE
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One thing I've been asked often when opening up about these issues of mine is why didn't I ever tell anyone what was happening? If it was so traumatic and if I instinctively knew it was all very wrong despite having zero knowledge of what was happening to me, why didn't I tell my mom, a teacher or anyone? There are a number of reason why I didn't which can be summed up to me not really knowing how to speak up. But another main reasons was that I knew my molester would get in trouble if I told and I didn't want that.
I've explained before, but I'll go over it here again. It's something that needs to be stressed too. I cared for this babysitter of mine, very much. I'm an only child and I saw her as a sister figure. We got along so well, she was my regular babysitter for over a year! She was always very good to me. So much, I don't even like calling her my abuser because she was never abusive toward me in the usual sense of that word. She was great to me, whenever she wasn't molesting me, of course.
So in spite of all the unspeakable things she did to me for nearly the entire year or so she was my babysitter, I couldn't stand the thought of seeing her in trouble. Which I knew she would be in a lot of trouble for it. I just did. I also believed I would be in trouble too because that was just how my child mind worked back then, but I think it was more of me not wanting her to get in trouble. I hate that I cared for her so much and now here I am regretting that she got away with it, but that's why I never told.
I've learned that my case isn't that uncommon. That many fellow survivors felt much the same way about their molester who was also someone close and they just couldn't stand to see them get in trouble. Sadly, that's just how the child mind works and these sick people know how to take advantage of that so they can keep it under wraps. It's real sad that that is, but at least it helps me feel relatable and to not hold it against myself as much as I used to.
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One thing I've been asked often when opening up about these issues of mine is why didn't I ever tell anyone what was happening? If it was so traumatic and if I instinctively knew it was all very wrong despite having zero knowledge of what was happening to me, why didn't I tell my mom, a teacher or anyone? There are a number of reason why I didn't which can be summed up to me not really knowing how to speak up. But another main reasons was that I knew my molester would get in trouble if I told and I didn't want that.
I've explained before, but I'll go over it here again. It's something that needs to be stressed too. I cared for this babysitter of mine, very much. I'm an only child and I saw her as a sister figure. We got along so well, she was my regular babysitter for over a year! She was always very good to me. So much, I don't even like calling her my abuser because she was never abusive toward me in the usual sense of that word. She was great to me, whenever she wasn't molesting me, of course.
So in spite of all the unspeakable things she did to me for nearly the entire year or so she was my babysitter, I couldn't stand the thought of seeing her in trouble. Which I knew she would be in a lot of trouble for it. I just did. I also believed I would be in trouble too because that was just how my child mind worked back then, but I think it was more of me not wanting her to get in trouble. I hate that I cared for her so much and now here I am regretting that she got away with it, but that's why I never told.
I've learned that my case isn't that uncommon. That many fellow survivors felt much the same way about their molester who was also someone close and they just couldn't stand to see them get in trouble. Sadly, that's just how the child mind works and these sick people know how to take advantage of that so they can keep it under wraps. It's real sad that that is, but at least it helps me feel relatable and to not hold it against myself as much as I used to.
