A Secret I Keep

This could be triggering for abuse survivors. Use caution. This is not role play. This is about real abuse...


This is something I have kinda always suspected, maybe even known deep down inside me, but last night it came into focus inside my head. Last night, I reached for my Husband. I just wanted to hold his hand, but he was asleep and thought I wanted something else. He kept trying to touch me in a more erotic way, and I started to realize what happens to me when he does this. I shut down. I can tolerate sex only when it hurts. Only when I don't want it. Only when I have no desire for the sex act. Only when I am not turned on. Only when I don't enjoy it, because otherwise the guilt is unbearable. 😔

I have always told myself I was asexual, and I only had sex to please my Husband and to conceive the kids we had, but my secret is that I could feel desire if the whole process was kind, tender, and slow. However, it would break me. The guilt I feel because I did respond to one of my abusers, one time, is beyond anything I can reawaken in my mind.😔

It is safer for me, mentally, to have intense, highly painful/pleasurable sex, because I do feel pain/pleasure during intense sex with my Husband, but I don't feel desire. I can't allow myself to feel desire again. I am pretty sure if I did, everything I built up inside my mind to live with the abuse, every way I protected myself, and my core values inside my head would completely shatter. I don't know what would happen then. I think I might really go crazy.😔


I am closing comments on this post for obvious reasons.