I am a child abuse survivor and what that taught me

was how to survive, and my past has given me skills that I am just now learning to be proud of.🤔

When I get beaten down by thoughtless, cruel, abusive people online( I only experience this online. I am surrounded by good people in the real world), playing games to boost their own ego, or to give themselves a thrill, etc.,I will survive. I may retreat into myself until I heal myself, but I will survive. I may leave the site for a day or two, or get quiet, but I will come back,and I will find my voice again.🙂

This is a very new development for me. In the past, when I have experienced abusive people on this site, I have just left. I always disliked that about myself. I felt like it was letting evil win, but I didn't feel strong enough to deal with the negativity day after day on this site. I felt it was too much of an interruption of my emotions, and because my emotions were disrupted, this transferred into my reality. I felt like my family didn't deserve this, and neither did I, but doing this affected my self-esteem for some stupid reason.🤔

Three times since I joined this site 3 weeks ago, I have run away from cruel words, and nosey, judgmental people( or people on alternative profiles, or AI studying how people like me react to abuse) and withdrawn into myself. I would start the process to delete my account and then come back and reactivate my account. To my surprise, I am stronger this time than I have been ALL the previous times I have joined and left this site. This time I am not leaving. I am going to grow, from this.🤔

I am going to examine why I am affected by negative people, AI, or what have you. Then I am going to use this information to make myself a better person. To help me heal. I am going to use the very forces that would see me crushed to build myself up stronger. I learned how to do this as an abused child, but all my life I have employed running away, when I could, instead of refusing to be crushed. I will survive and thrive.🙂

Just like it is the painful experiences on Earth that grow our souls, it will be the painful experiences here that make me stronger. This is why I think SW is a place to use writing and journaling to heal.🤔

However, something else I learned as a child is when and how to protect myself from abuse. I mean negativity will find me without myself embracing it or courting it. So these are the rules I have set for myself.

1-I will not add friends or allow followers.

I mean, it's just insanity to think you can trust anyone on a site that allows people to have as many alternate profiles as they want. If a person isn't straightforward enough or honest enough to have just one profile, then they are not someone I could trust. Even if you are a person with only one profile on this site, how could anyone be sure of that? 🤔

2-I already don't answer messages,and this is a rule I will keep. 👍

3-When I am triggered, I will do whatever it takes to take care of myself, then pick myself up again, examine why I was triggered and then grow and heal from the negative experience. 🙂

4- I will never add any post here without closing comments. I am not here to interact with others, for the most part. I am here to talk to myself, because I can understand more about myself when I speak to myself, or write to myself, and then read what I wrote. I will keep the posts public, because a lot of what I learn about myself, others can learn from too.

5- I will make sure I get no uplift from positive reactions to my posts or get hurt from negative reactions to my posts. This will take work, but I will, eventually, succeed. 🙂

I may add other rules for myself, as I go on, to keep this a positive place for me. A place I will grow, learn, and heal in. 👍

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