I Am a Child Abuse Survivor

There are times in my adult life where I am reminded of what you've done to me. It could be a noise, a smell, hearing something you used to say to me. Even feeling things you made feel. But tonight was different. I dreamt about you. I was so small under you. So helpless. I dreamt about the intoxicating smell of liquor and I swore I could feel the pain. There was so much pain. I used to blame myself for not being stronger or smarter. I blamed myself for not being able to stop what was happening. I should have been blaming him. I didn't deserve his anger. I didn't deserve his abuse. He stopped hurting me after that night, but even after all this time I'm still hurting. I wish i could drown out these thought but I stay far away from alcohol. I'm afraid he will get me. That I will turn into him if I ever touched it. I might have survived but I don't know if I'm living. I am still haunted by him. I am still so hurt.