My dad is changing…
But it’s too little and too late.
I’ve made some mistakes with my life, mostly involving alcohol but it was all driven by fear.
And that fear was driven into me all my youth by my fathers rage.
He’s helping me financially now by letting me live with him but I don’t feel at home here. I still get fearful when I hear the garage door open. I spent the past two days in bed, not doing anything because I’m still afraid to roam around the house or make noise while he’s home.
Sure, he doesn’t do the things he used to but my mind and body have already been programmed to react this way whenever I know dad is home.
That’s what I mean by too little, too late.
He’s trying to atone for past mistakes but it’s not enough.
The damage has already been done.
And the fact that he refuses to admit his mistakes isn’t helping.
I don’t know if he really doesn’t understand how much he hurt me or if he’s too afraid to look in the mirror.
He thinks some stupid pill is gonna make my alcoholism go away.
He thinks my drinking isn’t a symptom of a deeper psychological problem.
He just won’t hear me and it’s messing me up.
Saving money doesn’t mean a damn thing to me when my mind is all messed up.
My body aches from how long I’ve been hiding in my room, laying on my bed.
I have to leave.
He wants to help but he and my mom just refuse to take the time to understand me. They say they care but their actions and their words don’t reflect that.
I tried to show my mom a video on what Avoidant Personality Disorder is and she just says: “yeah, I know what that is” and then changes the topic to politics when we speak
My dad on the other hand just gets angry if I even so much as share my piece during conversation. When I talk with dad I’m only allowed to listen. Any ideas I have are just met with anger because my dad is more concerned with being right than finding a solution.
I know I shouldn’t seek external validation and it’s only recently that I’ve truly understood why but I’d be lying if I said I don’t struggle with it.
Is it such a tall order to desire for my parents to understand me? Perhaps it is…
I really don’t understand why my dad was super worried about me the 3 nights no one knew where I was.
Perhaps I’m just his precious target for whenever he needs to feel better about himself by putting me down. He’s so critical about everything. Never hear his praises but only his complaints. He seems to think money is the only important thing in life. All he does is sit on the couch all day alone. And he wants me to look up to him? He doesn’t even have a social circle and then has the nerve to tell me to work on my self esteem.
I won’t continue to be his only purpose in life. I’m the last sibling stuck at home. And something tells me he’s too afraid to accept that if I leave, it’ll just be him. He’ll have to find a new purpose.
It hurts but I have to get away from my parents. They’re divorced but I’m saying that I have to create distance between me and them.
I’ve made some mistakes with my life, mostly involving alcohol but it was all driven by fear.
And that fear was driven into me all my youth by my fathers rage.
He’s helping me financially now by letting me live with him but I don’t feel at home here. I still get fearful when I hear the garage door open. I spent the past two days in bed, not doing anything because I’m still afraid to roam around the house or make noise while he’s home.
Sure, he doesn’t do the things he used to but my mind and body have already been programmed to react this way whenever I know dad is home.
That’s what I mean by too little, too late.
He’s trying to atone for past mistakes but it’s not enough.
The damage has already been done.
And the fact that he refuses to admit his mistakes isn’t helping.
I don’t know if he really doesn’t understand how much he hurt me or if he’s too afraid to look in the mirror.
He thinks some stupid pill is gonna make my alcoholism go away.
He thinks my drinking isn’t a symptom of a deeper psychological problem.
He just won’t hear me and it’s messing me up.
Saving money doesn’t mean a damn thing to me when my mind is all messed up.
My body aches from how long I’ve been hiding in my room, laying on my bed.
I have to leave.
He wants to help but he and my mom just refuse to take the time to understand me. They say they care but their actions and their words don’t reflect that.
I tried to show my mom a video on what Avoidant Personality Disorder is and she just says: “yeah, I know what that is” and then changes the topic to politics when we speak
My dad on the other hand just gets angry if I even so much as share my piece during conversation. When I talk with dad I’m only allowed to listen. Any ideas I have are just met with anger because my dad is more concerned with being right than finding a solution.
I know I shouldn’t seek external validation and it’s only recently that I’ve truly understood why but I’d be lying if I said I don’t struggle with it.
Is it such a tall order to desire for my parents to understand me? Perhaps it is…
I really don’t understand why my dad was super worried about me the 3 nights no one knew where I was.
Perhaps I’m just his precious target for whenever he needs to feel better about himself by putting me down. He’s so critical about everything. Never hear his praises but only his complaints. He seems to think money is the only important thing in life. All he does is sit on the couch all day alone. And he wants me to look up to him? He doesn’t even have a social circle and then has the nerve to tell me to work on my self esteem.
I won’t continue to be his only purpose in life. I’m the last sibling stuck at home. And something tells me he’s too afraid to accept that if I leave, it’ll just be him. He’ll have to find a new purpose.
It hurts but I have to get away from my parents. They’re divorced but I’m saying that I have to create distance between me and them.
26-30, M
