I Worry About the Future For Myself
I was born in California at the end of WWII. I grew up in Los Angeles, California. My father was involved in the film industry when I was little. My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. My father died in 1983. My mother died about a dozen years ago.
My mother belonged to a militant Stalinist group located within the heart of a political organization, the old Communist Party USA (which died out in 1989 just before the Soviet Union fell apart in 1991). They were feared by many due to their dedicated devotion to their group's security.
My mother was a highly placed person in the CPUSA. People trembled in her presence and did whatever she told them to do. She had powerful connections in many areas of life (judges, doctors, dentists, psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, professors, writers, famous actors, super-rich people) and could bring about many things with just a phone call.
My childhood was hell. Rejected from her scary insider group, I was regarded as an outsider and a danger to the group, someone who needed to be dominated and watched. (For the details, please read my post under the title: I Wan To Know The Truth Behind My Family's Lies and Secrets).
I have been trying to understand some of the mysteries that were hidden from me for purposes of emotional closure. I was not considered for membership in my mother's group for reasons that are still not clear to me but which most likely involved my father; he got in trouble with the group for "deviationist views" back before I was born. When it comes to knowledge of my mother's very secret life, I was, and still am, "out of the loop."
At around the time I was born (and then adopted at birth by my parents), my father did not cooperate with my mother when she was his leader in a mission. The mission was reorganized with new leadership (my mother was in disgrace and removed from her leader position) and my parents were put on trial before the leaders of the political group. Then they were allowed to get a divorce. Both parents were severely punished. My mother lost her status within the group, and had her whole life controlled, forced to live on a very low income for a number of years. She eventually, slowly, regained her power. My father never recovered and was forced to live as a recluse for the rest of his life, under surveillance by my mother and some of her loyal friends (I called them her "henchstaff").
My own life was tough; my mother's people did many things to harass me and drive me back into total obedience to my abusive mother when I tried to leave home, get away from my abusive mother and her group, and just have a regular life. Giving in and going back under my mother's total and abusive control was never an option for me. So she and her group harassed me, tricked me, destroyed many relationships, tried to keep me from getting and keeping jobs, paid off friends to betray my trust or never to speak to me again. Violence of various kinds happened to me on several occasions.
Eventually, I was able to find out, or mostly figure out by connecting a few dots, a little bit about what had happened to me and come up with theories about what some of the motives for hurting me might have been. (The information came from my own examined memories, overheard conversations, books about my mother's group, and my father's file obtained under the Freedom of Information Act). A lot of it was to drive me away from the friends, jobs, and the life I had chosen and was trying to live and get me back under the watchful eye of my powerful mother. Some of it was to make sure I never talked to their enemies (like the FBI). Some of it was "punishment by proxy " handed out for what my father had done; he would suffer from seeing his daughter abused and mistreated. These were the reasons I found for my unhappy childhood and the violence, trouble and misery of many situations in my adult life.
At the end of my father's life, my mother managed to have me given a drug to make me sleep. Then she spent many hours with her friends in my father's intensive care unit at the hospital, starting at midnight, ending at dawn, and I believe she was conducting a death bed interrogation, a common practice in her cult group. I think she probably tortured him, then had him euthanized when she was done.
What worries me now is that the harassment from her group continued after my father died. This means it had to do with more than just punishing him.
I assumed it would stop after my mother passed away. And for a while it did. Then it resumed with a vengeance. I won't go into the details but it was a series of things that, over the last few years, almost destroyed me mentally and physically.
What seemed to kick it off was my retirement from my job (teacher). From my research, and some rumors, it would seem that the purpose of this extreme harassment has been to convince me I can no longer live on my own and need to go into a nursing home or retirement facility. I am from a (birth) family in which everyone lives well into their 90s; I resemble my birth grandmother who died at 98 while still living on her own without help. I do not have high blood pressure, high cholestetol, heart trouble, etc. I have some osteo arthritis and I am overweight and working on it. I garden and swim and do other activities. I AM NOT READY FOR A "HOME."!!! I think they feel they would be more secure if they could keep an eye on me, and they don't want me out there unsupervised (and writing things like this!). That, I believe, is their motive for wanting me locked up somewhere.
I am wondering several things: Are they going to let up on me? Or are they going to continue to make my life more difficult? Are they considering killing me? (Probably not...but it wouldn't be something I'd put past them).
And I worry that if/when I am on my deathbed (if I have a deathbed like 60% of the people in my country do according to stats) I will find my mother's people walking into my hospital room at midnight as they did with my father.
There is so much I do not know. In some ways, that might be better. But I find myself still asking around, posting things like this, reading books, hoping to find some answers.
My mother belonged to a militant Stalinist group located within the heart of a political organization, the old Communist Party USA (which died out in 1989 just before the Soviet Union fell apart in 1991). They were feared by many due to their dedicated devotion to their group's security.
My mother was a highly placed person in the CPUSA. People trembled in her presence and did whatever she told them to do. She had powerful connections in many areas of life (judges, doctors, dentists, psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, professors, writers, famous actors, super-rich people) and could bring about many things with just a phone call.
My childhood was hell. Rejected from her scary insider group, I was regarded as an outsider and a danger to the group, someone who needed to be dominated and watched. (For the details, please read my post under the title: I Wan To Know The Truth Behind My Family's Lies and Secrets).
I have been trying to understand some of the mysteries that were hidden from me for purposes of emotional closure. I was not considered for membership in my mother's group for reasons that are still not clear to me but which most likely involved my father; he got in trouble with the group for "deviationist views" back before I was born. When it comes to knowledge of my mother's very secret life, I was, and still am, "out of the loop."
At around the time I was born (and then adopted at birth by my parents), my father did not cooperate with my mother when she was his leader in a mission. The mission was reorganized with new leadership (my mother was in disgrace and removed from her leader position) and my parents were put on trial before the leaders of the political group. Then they were allowed to get a divorce. Both parents were severely punished. My mother lost her status within the group, and had her whole life controlled, forced to live on a very low income for a number of years. She eventually, slowly, regained her power. My father never recovered and was forced to live as a recluse for the rest of his life, under surveillance by my mother and some of her loyal friends (I called them her "henchstaff").
My own life was tough; my mother's people did many things to harass me and drive me back into total obedience to my abusive mother when I tried to leave home, get away from my abusive mother and her group, and just have a regular life. Giving in and going back under my mother's total and abusive control was never an option for me. So she and her group harassed me, tricked me, destroyed many relationships, tried to keep me from getting and keeping jobs, paid off friends to betray my trust or never to speak to me again. Violence of various kinds happened to me on several occasions.
Eventually, I was able to find out, or mostly figure out by connecting a few dots, a little bit about what had happened to me and come up with theories about what some of the motives for hurting me might have been. (The information came from my own examined memories, overheard conversations, books about my mother's group, and my father's file obtained under the Freedom of Information Act). A lot of it was to drive me away from the friends, jobs, and the life I had chosen and was trying to live and get me back under the watchful eye of my powerful mother. Some of it was to make sure I never talked to their enemies (like the FBI). Some of it was "punishment by proxy " handed out for what my father had done; he would suffer from seeing his daughter abused and mistreated. These were the reasons I found for my unhappy childhood and the violence, trouble and misery of many situations in my adult life.
At the end of my father's life, my mother managed to have me given a drug to make me sleep. Then she spent many hours with her friends in my father's intensive care unit at the hospital, starting at midnight, ending at dawn, and I believe she was conducting a death bed interrogation, a common practice in her cult group. I think she probably tortured him, then had him euthanized when she was done.
What worries me now is that the harassment from her group continued after my father died. This means it had to do with more than just punishing him.
I assumed it would stop after my mother passed away. And for a while it did. Then it resumed with a vengeance. I won't go into the details but it was a series of things that, over the last few years, almost destroyed me mentally and physically.
What seemed to kick it off was my retirement from my job (teacher). From my research, and some rumors, it would seem that the purpose of this extreme harassment has been to convince me I can no longer live on my own and need to go into a nursing home or retirement facility. I am from a (birth) family in which everyone lives well into their 90s; I resemble my birth grandmother who died at 98 while still living on her own without help. I do not have high blood pressure, high cholestetol, heart trouble, etc. I have some osteo arthritis and I am overweight and working on it. I garden and swim and do other activities. I AM NOT READY FOR A "HOME."!!! I think they feel they would be more secure if they could keep an eye on me, and they don't want me out there unsupervised (and writing things like this!). That, I believe, is their motive for wanting me locked up somewhere.
I am wondering several things: Are they going to let up on me? Or are they going to continue to make my life more difficult? Are they considering killing me? (Probably not...but it wouldn't be something I'd put past them).
And I worry that if/when I am on my deathbed (if I have a deathbed like 60% of the people in my country do according to stats) I will find my mother's people walking into my hospital room at midnight as they did with my father.
There is so much I do not know. In some ways, that might be better. But I find myself still asking around, posting things like this, reading books, hoping to find some answers.
70-79, F
