Things have been rough around here

For my sister and for me. My sister is miserable and feels like a failure at life because no matter how hard she tries each door she has tried to open has shut in her face. She passed the civil service exams for the police academy with flying colors including the written tests and physical tests onsite. She did everything the advised way go to university and a degree for a good career. She got two bachelors degrees with a double major in criminal justice and another in psychology with high grade point average and graduated in three years instead of four. She had her eye on two police departments that were in commuting distance to our house and was ready to go to the police academy in January. She got rejected from both police departments even one she did a ride along for. She came prepared for the interviews with her paperwork and professional outfits and took great pains to prepare herself. She would have been a good candidate. She misses having her own place and partly misses Tennessee and wish she could go back there even with all that’s happened. Her last job was making her miserable. She went to college to be working in a cafe again part time. She feels she has no purpose in life and feels she is lacking the funds to live a full life. I feel terrible for her. She has been crying and she feels life has not been moving along and she doesn’t want to end up like me. She wanted to be someone different by her 23rd birthday. She had been sexually assaulted eight months ago or so. She has been through so much. She is scared her best male friend will leave her because she’s noticed he is romantically interested in her and. That scares her and she is worried he won’t stick around later on and is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. He has been very good for her and has been kind and patient with her. She couldn’t even hug a man when she first got back here. She hopes he finds someone else and stays just her good friend. He went through a rough break up after getting engaged. He is 30. My sister wanted her life together by now. She is getting sick of living at home sometimes but can’t afford her own apartment or rental house with the prices up here. She could barely afford living in her own apartment back in Nashville.Tennessee on her salary after taxes. ( even though the. State didn’t take income taxes but federal taxes are in every state. She moved back home with her dog she got in TN. And because our other dog attacked this new dog we had to give him up to animal control because the local shelter would not take a dog with a history of aggression. He was euthanized when animal control decided he was too much of a liability to rehome and rather than rot away in a shelter. They just put him down after seven years of life. My parents are worried my sister may revert back to her eating disorder ways sometimes when she is under a lot of stress but she has gotten over her anorexia.a while ago and found ways to cope with life without starving herself. She tries to give me pep talks. So I take initiative in my life and help myself move on. I have one problem though I just. Found out I have cancer. I have been lazing around and crying because.i can’t take having all these problems anymore. I told my ex boyfriend who stopped communicating with me long ago of this predicament before I said goodbye. Either he never received the email or he is just ignoring me still. How could a man that loved me so much once just not talk to me as a friend even if he has a wife? If he is ignoring me when I have cancer that’s cold. I now.have a genuine. Reason to be depressed. I don’t know how. Much longer I will have to live. It might be a few years but if we catch it now there is a chance I could beat this and get a few decades back. The problem is I don’t want to do chemotherapy and radiation and feel sick from the treatments and lose my hair. I mean on top of severe mental illnesses I have to be with physical sickness now too? God hates me and my family. And I’m sure mass health will cover the treatment. Costs because it is government insurance coverage. I have just wanted to be alone these last couple of weeks. Generally. I feel like I just want to kill myself and die peacefully and painlessly in my sleep. After telling all my family and friends goodbye and to look out for one another. And as if my sister didn’t have enough to deal with me by proximity she knows I have cancer. I cried for my ex boyfriend because I regret ever ending the relationship and wish we could have been together in real life all those years ago. Now I’m listening to the song if I die young by the band Perry. Maybe now my parents will shut up about my clothing choices because. There are other fatal problems to worry about. I hope they don’t make me go through with treatment as my guardians. They don’t want me to die young. But part of me is ready to die because living has been so hard and a struggle. At least if I died my family would no longer have to be worry what would become of me after they die and will I be able to take care of myself or be taken care of with supports financially and psychologically. I’m so tired. We already lost two grandparents within a year of each other. Now I don’t know if I will outlive my fathers parents who are 84 and 82 and still in good health. I’m so depressed. I wish I could do my life over and have done everything right this time. Career, travel, education, hobbies/interests/talents/passions/skillsets/aptitudes, volunteering, life experiences and socializing with family and friends. I also remember a walk to remember in which the character Jamie has cancer and stopped responding to treatment. I wish I had achieved adult milestones by now and even married Sujeet. I wish it hadn’t been an online relationship for seven to eight years and I finished my courses so I could have started making money and gotten closer to achieving. Independence financially and maybe could have gone to India or brought Sujeet to the United States on a tourist visa maybe. He didn’t have the funds to travel after paying all his bills, taxes, and helping support his aging parents. So circumstances were also keeping us apart. I wish my parents helped me bring him to the United States but they said they didn’t know him so they weren’t going to do that. I wonder if they would have changed their tune with these extreme circumstances unfolding now. I have never been able to move on from my ex boyfriend. Never stopped loving him even though I broke it off with him first two years and three months ago because of my personal problems. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over him; that’s the sad part. I just struggle with getting up everyday and slounge in bed until 3pm. My family wanted to take me to Salem MA.this weekend to cheer me up because I loved Salem around Halloween and Christmas time. Why couldn’t god just cut some slack for me and my family?