I Feel Like Im Not Good Enough

This is something I have felt since I was very young, and I am only now talking to a therapist about it. I think these feelings started due to repeated negative comments from bullies at school, and from my mum. The comments from my mum obviously hurt the most though, as your mum is supposed to be someone who always supports you and is always in your corner. She is supposed to tell you that you're a beautiful person inside and out, and that you don't need to change who you are to fit in with people. My mum did the complete opposite of those things. I was told that my friend is a better daughter to her mum than I was to my mum, my step-sister was smarter than me, I was too big (at 8 yrs old) to wear what the other girls wore at school..... there are loads more examples. Even as an adult, I once told my mum that I wanted to go to college to do massage, but my mum told me that I won't get a job like that because the women they employ in these places are glamorous and thin, and I'm not. I obviously knew that I wasn't thin, but this was my mum telling me that no matter what qualifications I have, being fat and disgusting will prevent me from getting the job I wanted. My mum looks at me with complete disgust if it looks like I might have gained weight. If my mum can't look past my weight, how am I supposed to expect anyone else to? She has always told me to be more outgoing and make an effort to make friends with people, but how does she expect me to have the confidence to do that when my mum has told me (through my whole life so far) that Im not smart, not attractive enough, and not the kind of person who people want to be friends with? The amount of negative talk I have heard from my mum has really damaged my confidence. I have to be more outgoing, have to wear more makeup, have to like things other people like, have to go out with people, have to loose weight, have to not be a loner, not be different, have to be more interesting. It's not surprising I have anxiety now. These horrible comments have stuck with me, but now I'm having to learn to not live in the past and let go of the nasty comments. They're not going to be my reality anymore; my present is now going to be my reality, and those comments are in the past and meant to be boxed up and forgotten.

Thank you if you've read this whole thing, and I hope it wasn't too all over the place. I had a lot of things on my mind regarding this, and just had to let it out!