When I was a child, I had this really mean, hateful, totally critical, inner voice that hated me with a passion. The dialogue between her and I went on every minute of every day, until I turned 9 years old. That year was a hard year, and I lived through many traumatic events, all of which she blamed me for. Saying such things as, " You always let them hurt us!", Why don't you fight back?", "It is all your fault!" , and on and on and on until after a particularly bad event, I stopped fighting her and let her take control. This led to our near-death experience.😔
After that event, I didn't hear from her anymore. I was sooo relieved, finally I only heard myself, and although I was critical sometimes, it wasn't every day. As I got older, I started to develop many self-defeating and self-punishing behaviors. Always being my own worst enemy. I couldn't allow myself to be happy because I learned as a child that being happy ALWAYS led to something bad happening. 😔
A few weeks back, I started to realize that my inner voice (which is still a child) had not gone away, she had only begun to silently work in the back ground of my mind. This is where all my negative self-defeating behaviors came from. So I have actively worked on integrating the two parts of me again. 🙂
I want to be able to talk to her, so at least I can discuss why she feels we must pay in the way of self-punishment and self-defeat. I want to understand her, and I hope to help her see things differently from my now adult understanding. It has worked. I hear her again, and she has much to say.🙂
Mostly, she is not happy that I had ignored her for so long. We made a deal. I wouldn't ignore her if she would stop punishing me.❤
Soooo, today I am letting her out to play. We have had a wonderful morning, full of cartoons and coloring, and I (we) feel better than I (we) have in many many many years. ( 50 to be exact) 😀
This is a good day, and I will not be afraid that something bad will happen..Umm, really, I won't..🤔
