Am I ever gonna get over the self hatred?

I'm trying to detect the triggers...
Is it physical exhaustion and blaming myself for causing it?
Constant disappointment in myself?
Mistakes (that turned out to be okay in reality...) but still grave if turned out otherwise?
Disappointing some people I look up to and respect?
Failing to take care of myself properly?
Failing to manage stress from work and other events?
Failing to focus and keeping the procrastination?

I usually like to radiate good energy around people, but now my closest ones are noticing how sad have I been looking recently.

Is it... the smooth transition of the cycle?

I wish I could find a solution to this low mood of mine.

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Heartlander · 80-89, M

When in a low mood, it might be helpful to mentally run through a list of mood triggers to see which one is driving your thoughts at the moment. Feeling low and not knowing why can be a difficult place to escape from. Knowing what took you down that path can be dealt with logically.

Friendlyperson · 26-30, F

@Heartlander That's what I was doing in this post... and in my mind

Heartlander · 80-89, M

@Friendlyperson :) your list looked more like manifestations of triggers than triggers. By triggers I was thinking of causes for what’s on your list.

We often deal with traumas, disappointments, failures, etc. by slamming the door on them, but carry the effects as if they have no cause.

Friendlyperson · 26-30, F

@Heartlander Oh... you are looking for the triggers of these statements I mentioned.

Well, the physical exhaustion is due to me overworking myself even tho I have a lot of 24h shifts. Also, the insomnia is not helping one bit.
I tried other methods in order not to overwork myself but the workload is still enormous. My coworkers (of the same unit) all leave the hospital late and are suffering with physical exhaustion. So that's one problem.
I blame myself for not finding a better way to get better.
Sometimes I make a mistake (which is very rare) but I do blame myself for that. A lot...

And there are moments where I think it is the steep mood changes of my disorder, but I'm not sure of that.

Heartlander · 80-89, M

@Friendlyperson

The satisfaction of being "done" and a reflection on the people you helped, can it balance the exhaustion of a long-long shift. Kind of like watching the finish line of a 10,000 meter race where the runners cross the finish line and collapse in exhaustion, yet pound their chest in celebrating how well they placed.

I've rarely in my working life held a 9 to 5 type job and likewise rarely been confined to 8 hour workdays, so am well aware of the exhaustion and insomnia thing. Having insomnia and realizing that you have to be up and at it in just 3 or 4 hours has a way of adding anxiety to the exhaustion. For me, anxiety is a worse feeling than exhaustion and just knowing that I have a good track record for handling exhaustion is comforting.