Diary - No Contact - Day 3
Today has been hard. I see you everywhere I go. The last time we did this or the last time we did that. The pain runs deep and feels like the size of the barringer crate in my chest. You left me with memories like shattered pieces of glass scattered across the floor. I miss you so much Rosa, but yet I cannot tell you this. I cannot tell you this, because I don't belong in your life anymore. I do see the things in the relationship that were hard. I see the failures, mostly my own. I cry a lot lately but I know you don't care. I curl up in our bed where you once were and sob and cry my prayers to some higher power to either end my life or making the hurting just stop! Today , I went driving in the car and as I passed through the route we used to take when we went on vacation I am reminded by you sitting in the passenger seat next to me cuddled up beside me. I had never been so happy like that before. Why does this hurt so bad? Time makes you move on, but why is it the clock has stopped ? Yes, I do go to the gym and take care of myself. But I am only shoveling a scoop of dirt into the barringer crater of my heart at a time.
Most of all I miss the passion you had for me. I have never had that in my life before. I have never felt a woman's fingernails into my back when making love. I could feel your pleasure as your fingernails bear down onto my back. I want it back, but all I am left with is just memories of you now. I can replay them like a song I like to listen to on repeat. I am blessed to have these memories. At my age, my life is over. You set the golden standard for me for the kind of woman that I love and want to spend my life with. I will never find another and I will never find you again. I know because I found myself on tinder swiping endlessly looking for you in there. Wanting you back. Stupid huh? I won't settle for anything less than fingernails in my back and passionate moaning and gripping of flesh. And sadly, at my age I won't find this again.
I wish I had never met you because this hurts so terribly bad. My heart is broken along with the memories thrown down around me and cast onto the ground. I try to walk around them but always step on the glass and hurt more. I pray every night for God to make this end. I have begged him to kill me. I have asked and pleaded with him with tears in fury in my eyes. Why did this have to happen to me? Rosa, I miss you. I miss you so much. I will live my life without you, but I know what love tasted like and it is embedded in my soul. I will always be alone. I cannot find this again, not at my age. Not now. Not ever. Just left with memories of the same movie watched over and over again and again.
Most of all I miss the passion you had for me. I have never had that in my life before. I have never felt a woman's fingernails into my back when making love. I could feel your pleasure as your fingernails bear down onto my back. I want it back, but all I am left with is just memories of you now. I can replay them like a song I like to listen to on repeat. I am blessed to have these memories. At my age, my life is over. You set the golden standard for me for the kind of woman that I love and want to spend my life with. I will never find another and I will never find you again. I know because I found myself on tinder swiping endlessly looking for you in there. Wanting you back. Stupid huh? I won't settle for anything less than fingernails in my back and passionate moaning and gripping of flesh. And sadly, at my age I won't find this again.
I wish I had never met you because this hurts so terribly bad. My heart is broken along with the memories thrown down around me and cast onto the ground. I try to walk around them but always step on the glass and hurt more. I pray every night for God to make this end. I have begged him to kill me. I have asked and pleaded with him with tears in fury in my eyes. Why did this have to happen to me? Rosa, I miss you. I miss you so much. I will live my life without you, but I know what love tasted like and it is embedded in my soul. I will always be alone. I cannot find this again, not at my age. Not now. Not ever. Just left with memories of the same movie watched over and over again and again.
46-50, M