Its personal trauma so if you dont want to read it dont

Because it was an close friend I didnt deffend myself , I couldnt believe what was happening so I stayed still after saying I didnt want it over 5 times , I always hear others defend themselfs and I feel so bad I couldnt , even the doctor when I got examined to see if Any damage was done asked me why I didnt defend myself. I feel like Its partly my fault still , like I should have gotten my justice but I didnt , Although my therapist said it wasnt and tried hard to make me see that , Im still online friends with him as hes step dad died and I felt bad about blocking him all together , I dont get why I cant completely remove him from my life , I tried over 5 times to and its been an year , I suppose I feel sorry for him as im his only friend and hes always going on about how loney he is and how messed up his life is , I dont know why I cant set boundries , I struggle so much even at work , Ive done so well by not seeing this guy in person for months although hes been constantly asking me to , I nearly did yesterday but it he wasnt going to be ready until gone 6pm and it gets dark around then so for safety reasons I went home. He mainly wants to see me at night but I said no morings or afternoons and in town only in public or starbucks not at his house were he gets another oppunitety to hurt me , I dont really want to see him , I just feel like I have to since his stepdad died and I feel really bad for him and his mother. Maybe Its because I still dont love myself enough or I feel lonely as I havent been at work for an month. Im getting therapy again when I go back to work so hopefully That will help me as ive had two months without therapy. I deffend myself when an stranger tries anything so why I cant I do it when its an friend ? I just dont get it. I wish him well but I feel like I have to be there for him as he doesnt have anyone else as much as it hurts me and every time I think of him I remember what he did to me and I feel so mad but I feel like I will be held respoinsible by his mother if He hurt himself or went into deep depression from not having my support.