I hate that I never felt good enough for you, and that I let my insecurities get in the way, telling myself that if I allowed you to see me

While I was down and broken that you would see me in a way that you would no longer find attractive and you’d be gone. I was so afraid of that happening I kept pushing to wait because I wanted to put myself back together first and get back to the where I was when I last saw you. Instead you gave up and got tired of waiting.

I wish I could have told you know how much you meant to me and how incredible I knew your mind was. That I loved the way you were always able to make me laugh, How much I admired the way you spoke your mind. Your eyes and the way you would look at me. Your smile and the way it could so easily competently melt me… How you were the first person in soooo long who made me feel accepted for me. How you were so brave back when you first grabbed my hand how it always felt you could read my mind. Your courage and your beliefs.

I wanna tell you I’m happy for you, but damn it sucks because I screwed it all up, because of my own self doubt. You were an almost that never was. I wanted it to be you, but maybe you never wanted me too. I use to imagine being able to hang out with you spending the day doing errands sitting around a camp fire being silly, roasting each other laughing sharing glances touches and being playful. You have no idea how much I miss your presence and how much I use to look forward to being in it back then. I think I’ll always miss you.