Still Unsure How To Process This

Strangely, I'm left not knowing how to deal with her passing. I reached out no more than two years ago, and she apologized again for what she did that changed my life. That almost cost me my life. That dirty, hateful lie she told a man who worried a hole in the shed floor for some reason to come after me.

All I will share about that is that the man was my Father. I call him my father because he was. He was never a Dad to me. Dads don't sit up at night thinking of reasons to come into their child's room and beat them. Dads don't shoot their child's cat in "an accident" and say, "Oops, maybe if you were a better student I'd have better aim." I will not tell you what she told him, but she gave him a reason to hold a shotgun to my head and say I had a week to move out.

A week to hope that the paychecks I'd saved up to move out would get me someplace warm and somewhat safe. A week of finding, while I was out, he'd searched through my things. Leaving notes with nasty messages. A week of waking in a cold sweat. A week of hell because someone in her family convinced her I deserved it. I had lied when I told her I would move heaven and earth for her.

She was angry and going through her own issues. The last time I contacted her. Hoping we could heal the wounds of the past. It was awkward, and she admitted she was the reason the old man got his reason.
She said she was sick.

Then today I found out she passed. Not by a personal message from her family. I found out because I saw her Mother had announced it on Facebook. The worst part is she had passed two days ago. Her Mother is probably sucking up all the sympathy. If her father were still alive, he'd be in a bar crying into a beer a stranger bought. Saying to a new stranger, "My daughter died." Then he'd hear, "Aw, sorry, bud, let me buy you a beer."

While I've spent most of my day trying to wrap my head around what went wrong. How to feel about someone I love being gone.