I Think Deeply

Alone
There was one night
Under the stars
I stood alone
Looking up

It was nothing new
I have always loved creation
I have always marveled
At its magnificence

But that one night
I must have been fifteen
Something I had read
Stuck with me

Alex McCandless
Had gotten lost in the wild
Trying to find himself
And I understood

And there was a moment
Where he took in what he could
While he could
And made a final remark

He lay dying
In an abandoned vehicle
And he asked a question
To a silent universe

What good is joy
If it is not shared?

And I sat under the heavens
Watching stars march on
And I realized in that moment
I was alone

There was nobody to be with me
To share in my wonder
To feel what I felt
To know what I knew

There was no God for me
Though I see now there was
But that night it was just me
Alone in my head

It was the first time I felt the ache
To share in the joy of life
To express beauty
To paint creation

But what good is there to writing
If there is nobody to read?
What good is explaining
If there is nobody to listen?

I had a wife once
Whom I knew and she knew me
But I destroyed her ability to see
The things that I could see

I had taken what I wanted
The master of my sea
It was not given to me
Simply stolen from her

I wanted her so badly
To see what you made for me
That I never realized
You didn’t make her for me

So, One October night I stood alone
Underneath the stars
I asked my God if he would send another
With which to share my heart

I am not worthy of that blessing
Greatly have I sinned
I’ve destroyed everything you’ve given me
But don’t let me die alone

Patiently have I Run you down
Clinging to your word
I’ve hidden it in my heart
That I may not be alone

Lately I sit alone
Watching the sun rise
But now I understand
You made it for my eyes

My father trims my branches
The ones that bear no fruit
You throw away my loneliness
That I may spend my time with you

You make me lay down in green pastures
And lead me by still waters
And though I am still alone
Thou art with me

You have never left my side
O, Emmanuel

I have become content
The fire had slowed to glowing coals
My desire to be joined together
Had slipped to the back of my mind

I have sinned along the way
Yes, Lord, every single day
You have given me all I have
Thank you for your Grace

My heart beats by your voice
At your word do my lungs expand
I’m living on borrowed time
My body is not my own

Thus far you have brought me
Tomorrow is the eleventh
You saved me five years ago
I live my life in remembrance

How great thou art O God
Who formed me in secret
Who walks with me in secret
Who speaks with me in secret

How great thou art, O Son of God
To bear the sin of all
To die for me, who betrayed you
To save my burning soul

But Lord my God do not forget
You made me to love another
All you’ve done has prepared me
To raise up a son of my own

I had a sort of peace
Thinking I may be alone a while
Perhaps it was resignation
Perhaps I just gave up

You’ve brought this woman to me
For what reason I dont know
Some people are blessings
Others are lessons

But she loves the parts of me
That another thoughtlessly mocked
I feel more love from this woman
Than any who have come before

Create in me a clean heart, O God
Do not abandon a work in progress
Reveal to me the way I should go
For you are my God

I want to love her and be loved by her
I want to give her all I have
I want to know her and be known
I want to try again

I want to touch her very soul
I want her to touch mine
I want to dance with her by the tree
As you showed me so long ago

But I do not trust myself
To hold your daughter’s heart, Adonai
I have shattered so many others
I have shattered so many others

I hope to express the inexpressible to her
Things she’s always known
So she can look up at the stars with me
And know she is not alone.