I Am Always Thinking Deeply

My dads a lot sicker than they're allowing me to know. It's obvious. Reality is my dads slowly dying. It's taken me until now to realize that I've never had an actual conversation with my dad, my whole life! Part of me wants to fix this, I want to be able to say I have a relationship with my dad, but it's so weird between us. I've been shut out since day one. I hate seeing my dad so sick but I hate him for not being the dad to me that all of my friends have.