I Am Confused About My Feelings

i have stood in my own way tod-ay more times that anyone has said no, has chosen another, has closed the door.
i have yelled at myself in every language.
i have grown accustomed to my own angry tongue.
this is how i have spent the better half of a lifetime.
from the inside of a body that does not understand how to build something from the ground up.
only that the ground feels like the bottom.
only that the ground looks like failure.
only that the ground is earthquake.
and we are knobby-kneed and still, after all this time uncertain of our footing but
certain that we refuse to stop building from the ground up.

a.m