I am so conflicted right now....This is mostly just for writing therapy..
My oldest daughter said the kindest thing she has ever said to me today, and now I am crying like a baby..She said, " Mom, you have been strong for a long time. You have carried all of us. Now it is time for us to help you." I am feeling so many different emotions over this. I feel deep love because my daughter and I were estranged for 5 years. We have been through heck and back because we adopted 4 of her kids, and even though this was the best for the kids, it ate her up. She projected self-hatred on me, and it was bad. It was really bad. 😔
After all the kids became adults, she almost died. She had diverticulitis, and she got 3 perforations in her intestinal tract. They said they could fix it here in our small town, but they made it worse, and she ended up with a hole in her stomach. They kept her here for a week, with all that stuff from her stomach and bowels dumping into her body, before flying her for life to a bigger town. 😔
She didn't call me to tell me any of this. My son finally called me and told me his sister was dying. This was 2 years ago, and we were all there to help her with her recovery. Her dad stayed with her for 5 weeks, in the hospital, while she fought for her life. I helped her when she came home until she recovered. This year, she had corrective surgery to put everything back together. Then her dad came down with the same thing. She really freaked out because she didn't think the doctors were doing enough to make sure he didn't get perforations, too, and now this accident with me.😔
Life has been really, really hard, but I have my daughter back again, and she is taking over things for me, and I appreciate her so very much. At the same time, I feel pretty worthless for needing to lean on her, or anyone, for that matter. I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most, and now she is here for me. Other than the five years my daughter didn't talk to me, I have always been the strong one, the one who helped everyone else, and I don't know who I am if I am not doing that.😔
I am just writing this all down to try and understand why this is affecting me so strongly this morning. I have a good family. We have been through a lot, but our love for each other has remained strong even when we didn't talk. My family isn't perfect, but it is pretty darn good.❤
[media=https://youtu.be/tQwVKr8rCYw?si=CACjMPc0vLLgj4Yf]
The video below explains how I feel right now. How I am afraid my oldest will feel in the future, and how her oldest (the one we adopted) daughter feels already..I have been the strong one since my mother placed my little brother in my arms when I was 2 years old and told me, "Now you're a mom!" and she meant this. I have handled everything until now, and my self-esteem is based on being able to be the protector of my family. I don't know who I will be now if I don't heal from these cognitive issues. I don't want my oldest daughter to have to take over. I don't want anyone else to have to be me... That doesn't make sense. I know, but the video below explains it better.😔
[media=https://youtu.be/ZoA_aL54yEY]
After all the kids became adults, she almost died. She had diverticulitis, and she got 3 perforations in her intestinal tract. They said they could fix it here in our small town, but they made it worse, and she ended up with a hole in her stomach. They kept her here for a week, with all that stuff from her stomach and bowels dumping into her body, before flying her for life to a bigger town. 😔
She didn't call me to tell me any of this. My son finally called me and told me his sister was dying. This was 2 years ago, and we were all there to help her with her recovery. Her dad stayed with her for 5 weeks, in the hospital, while she fought for her life. I helped her when she came home until she recovered. This year, she had corrective surgery to put everything back together. Then her dad came down with the same thing. She really freaked out because she didn't think the doctors were doing enough to make sure he didn't get perforations, too, and now this accident with me.😔
Life has been really, really hard, but I have my daughter back again, and she is taking over things for me, and I appreciate her so very much. At the same time, I feel pretty worthless for needing to lean on her, or anyone, for that matter. I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most, and now she is here for me. Other than the five years my daughter didn't talk to me, I have always been the strong one, the one who helped everyone else, and I don't know who I am if I am not doing that.😔
I am just writing this all down to try and understand why this is affecting me so strongly this morning. I have a good family. We have been through a lot, but our love for each other has remained strong even when we didn't talk. My family isn't perfect, but it is pretty darn good.❤
[media=https://youtu.be/tQwVKr8rCYw?si=CACjMPc0vLLgj4Yf]
The video below explains how I feel right now. How I am afraid my oldest will feel in the future, and how her oldest (the one we adopted) daughter feels already..I have been the strong one since my mother placed my little brother in my arms when I was 2 years old and told me, "Now you're a mom!" and she meant this. I have handled everything until now, and my self-esteem is based on being able to be the protector of my family. I don't know who I will be now if I don't heal from these cognitive issues. I don't want my oldest daughter to have to take over. I don't want anyone else to have to be me... That doesn't make sense. I know, but the video below explains it better.😔
[media=https://youtu.be/ZoA_aL54yEY]
