Why am I still alive?
This question I am asking to myself almost daily.
4 years ago my mother died. 😞
She was the last person I had a connection with.
Since she is gone there‘s no one in my life anymore. 😢
I still have a brother with wife and three kids. But they have rejected already my mother when she was still alive, and since the day she died there‘s almost no contact more at all between us.
I’ve tried to find friends. I’ve really tried.
But everything failed.
I’ve found a few friends here. But all of them disappeared after a couple of years without saying just „goodbye“ although we had almost daily contact.
My last friend disappeared two years ago - without any reason, without to say anything. One of his last sentences he has written to me was that „I am perfect“ and that he is so glad to have found a friend in me. 😞
His disappearance plunged me into a deep depression and I haven‘t completely overcome yet. 😞😞
Then the doctor diagnosed the beginning of cancer. Before the surgery started I begged him to not let me wake up anymore. Of course he didn’t listen to me. 🥺
When I recognized that I have survived the cancer I was convinced that there must be a reason why I survived and I tried really to LIVE.
I started to join in a hiking group to get anyhow contacts to human beings. But I became ill again and needed another surgery. And when I returned I’ve seen that they have kicked me out. Well. 😐
I’ve started some other tries with other groups but everywhere the same thing.
To crown it all I get hostillities in real life. There are people who tell me that I am unwanted here and that I shall remigrate. But the question is: WHERE to I shall remigrate? Because I was born in this country, I am a native, and I am working in three jobs. Where to start a new life?
Sometimes, when I hear after 9 hours in work that I shall leave this country… sometimes I am just sitting in my armchair and cry bitterly. 😭😭
Sometimes I am looking at my phone. I even take it in my hand, look at it… But I know there‘s no one to talk to, no one to write to… not a single person.
My last try was to join the meetings from the tourist guides of my town (I am one of them). They are meeting every month directly beside my house. But all of them are pensioners (except me), and to the time they are meeting I am working.
And of course they rejected to change the time for a couple of hours so that I could join there too.
And this is my life now: Working around 60-70 hours in a week, coming home, eating something and put on TV. Not because I am interested in TV but to bridge the totally silence in my house.
Sometimes I see couples or families outside, eating together, walking, whatever…
And then tears come into my eyes and I am asking myself: „Why I have to be alone my whole life? Did I do something wrong? Is it karma?“
I don’t believe that the hell is in afterlife. I believe that the hell is here, on our earth.
4 years ago my mother died. 😞
She was the last person I had a connection with.
Since she is gone there‘s no one in my life anymore. 😢
I still have a brother with wife and three kids. But they have rejected already my mother when she was still alive, and since the day she died there‘s almost no contact more at all between us.
I’ve tried to find friends. I’ve really tried.
But everything failed.
I’ve found a few friends here. But all of them disappeared after a couple of years without saying just „goodbye“ although we had almost daily contact.
My last friend disappeared two years ago - without any reason, without to say anything. One of his last sentences he has written to me was that „I am perfect“ and that he is so glad to have found a friend in me. 😞
His disappearance plunged me into a deep depression and I haven‘t completely overcome yet. 😞😞
Then the doctor diagnosed the beginning of cancer. Before the surgery started I begged him to not let me wake up anymore. Of course he didn’t listen to me. 🥺
When I recognized that I have survived the cancer I was convinced that there must be a reason why I survived and I tried really to LIVE.
I started to join in a hiking group to get anyhow contacts to human beings. But I became ill again and needed another surgery. And when I returned I’ve seen that they have kicked me out. Well. 😐
I’ve started some other tries with other groups but everywhere the same thing.
To crown it all I get hostillities in real life. There are people who tell me that I am unwanted here and that I shall remigrate. But the question is: WHERE to I shall remigrate? Because I was born in this country, I am a native, and I am working in three jobs. Where to start a new life?
Sometimes, when I hear after 9 hours in work that I shall leave this country… sometimes I am just sitting in my armchair and cry bitterly. 😭😭
Sometimes I am looking at my phone. I even take it in my hand, look at it… But I know there‘s no one to talk to, no one to write to… not a single person.
My last try was to join the meetings from the tourist guides of my town (I am one of them). They are meeting every month directly beside my house. But all of them are pensioners (except me), and to the time they are meeting I am working.
And of course they rejected to change the time for a couple of hours so that I could join there too.
And this is my life now: Working around 60-70 hours in a week, coming home, eating something and put on TV. Not because I am interested in TV but to bridge the totally silence in my house.
Sometimes I see couples or families outside, eating together, walking, whatever…
And then tears come into my eyes and I am asking myself: „Why I have to be alone my whole life? Did I do something wrong? Is it karma?“
I don’t believe that the hell is in afterlife. I believe that the hell is here, on our earth.
