3am thinking about never chasing anyone again...

I'd have no one if I wasn't forcing it? Begging to be heard? Explaining myself over and over hoping the truth is eventually believable?

I'm trying so hard to be good to others when ultimately they don't need it and will turn their back when it's easiest?

What is real?

And what about me?

When do I matter? When are my needs even considered? Am I not a person too?

I don't understand at all and I just want to retreat. I should never chase again. I should never force myself into something dangerous for my nervous system, even when I understand. Even when I could help. It doesn't change anything, I just end up empty with fresh disappointment.

And I guess if no one is considering what that does to me, I shouldn't be considering how they feel either?

I wish I wasn't this way. Because the hardest part is knowing I'm a good lover, a healer and also knowing it doesn't mean anything except I need to be a better protector of myself. Then do I turn my back? What does that accomplish? But what happens if I don't chase? I lose either way.

Join them in stifling myself or starve trying to love them?

Nobody knows. Nobody will be real about it. And this is why I find trees, rocks and bugs and animals infinitely more hospitable and joyful to be around. Real.

I guess we're all alone in our own truth.

Top | New | Old

BlueVeins · 26-30

If someone isnt showing interest, then its good to disengage and pursue other people. That doesnt mean you have to stop reaching out to people, just need a sense of balance in relationships.

EldritchFox

@BlueVeins Sure, but when I try to be balancing I'm perceived as indifferent or uninterested.

Like I'm not allowed to be myself and my feelings don't matter. I have to bend for the other person otherwise I'm left in their silence and my unpleasant thoughts.

I just really don't think I've met anyone that really loves me. They're always willing to walk away. My feelings have never mattered.

DHggmu · 31-35, M

People are a cancer. Good ones are hard to find, and even then who knows if they’re actually “good” because the truth is when we’ve been burned enough times, trust is almost impossible to build.

Let them do the chasing. If they don’t want to put that effort in, they’re not worth yours. If they’re willing to, see how long they can keep it up. Protect yourself first before all others, you’re kind and caring, but that’s seen as a weakness to the selfish.

EldritchFox

@DHggmu but if I expect everyone to chase me, aren't I no different?

Am I really worth it if I'm too afraid to be all I can for them? I don't want to match energies, I don't want to live in a cold avoidant reality. I also realize it clearly doesn't matter what I want even if it's healthy. I can't help even if I have the power because they'll take it and run?

We've all been burned so much, it feels wrong to not step in and lift people up. But that's a sacrifice and honestly it's too big.

I wish people would do the work on themselves and meet each other. But that's like expecting utopia by today's standards.

DHggmu · 31-35, M

@EldritchFox It seems it’s the way of the world now that people look out for number one, everyone else is an obstacle. Human nature is destructive. We destroy everything, including eachother.

Don’t be like them, don’t be what they want you to be. Just be you and what you want to be, and the right people will find you eventually. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. What else are we meant to do, being like them solves nothing, but changing who we are is false.. it’s a dilemma and it seems there’s no right answer..

dalfo · 31-35, F

We're indeed alone and no one is here to listen people come and go without giving a damn and if you're sensible you lost you bit by bit in this proces in sort this is the cost of being sensible and good

Add a comment...