I think the scales balanced for me today 🖤
I stepped into the woods with nothing very painful or pressing on my mind. Usually I have some kind of intention or thing to work through. But today I just chose nature. I wanted to be there, it's a stunning day, so I went.
I am very much alone, well into the trail parts people don't go, especially with all the fallen trees from a harsh winter. I light my joint, standing in the sun and think, okay so it's good nothing is weighing on me, what can I use this mental space for...
I felt well enough for a big one. Something deeper that I've learned to live with but no longer want to.
I don't want people to look at me anymore. I am tired of never really being seen, yet still wanting the fast track to feeling safe. This came about when my parents passed, family ditched me and covid hit. I sorta wanted people to show up for me, but sorta wanted to be left alone and what I got was people needing me. So I withdrew and I've been complaining and crying about it ever since.
It's a broad issue for me because it also means things like, wearing a tank top and not caring if people stare at my lady guns, to just being myself in front of people and not feeling the crushing judgements whether I'm myself or I tone myself down.
So ultimately, I think I am just tired of human nature. There are many wonderful exceptions, I consider myself an exception.
It was the lack of family/tribe that made me so interested in finding people. I'd always been more of an observer but in wanting to decode my own mind after trauma, I became very interested in sociology and psychology. Not college level by any means, but I learned everything I could with discernment before I believed it.
Maybe I know enough about humans now to know I don't want to know more. Maybe that's what has been so disappointing.
I'm walking along thinking, it's time to focus more on nature and the natural world. Not the human world. Duh. I never did fit in, I was always a frickin weirdo what made me think I was gonna be a part of society now?
By the time I reach the beach I realize, I just want to be me and when I'm around most people, I don't feel like me.
As I'm hiking up the dune it's 80°+ and sweat is pouring and bugs are biting and I feel like me. The space before me parts and there's the ocean.
I come out of my shoes and run to the water. It's like a summer day but nobody is on vacation so what a treat to not see more than a few other people also enjoying. The water is clean, not trashy and dirty like it ends up by July. Just pristine and cool. Hours later here I sit and my feet still feel chilled.
I like people from a distance. There's a few people here and irl I let in for tea. But i think I'm ready to not care what people think or do anymore. Obviously I care about human rights and would stand up. I'm just so tired of opening to people and they take a dump on me. No thanks. If you don't care about anything but yourself, go on with your bad self.
I'm really really really ready to be my whole self. Not watered down. Not faking it till I make it. Not ashamed of how I look or something I said.
Just me.
The hike back was so hot 😂 The humidity here makes you boil. Feels like you're melting. I took the time to become more acute and aware of everything around me. Found a turkey feather. Met a lizard. Got a little sunburnt. Sweat through my clothes. Next time I'm wearing a tank top.
I am very much alone, well into the trail parts people don't go, especially with all the fallen trees from a harsh winter. I light my joint, standing in the sun and think, okay so it's good nothing is weighing on me, what can I use this mental space for...
I felt well enough for a big one. Something deeper that I've learned to live with but no longer want to.
I don't want people to look at me anymore. I am tired of never really being seen, yet still wanting the fast track to feeling safe. This came about when my parents passed, family ditched me and covid hit. I sorta wanted people to show up for me, but sorta wanted to be left alone and what I got was people needing me. So I withdrew and I've been complaining and crying about it ever since.
It's a broad issue for me because it also means things like, wearing a tank top and not caring if people stare at my lady guns, to just being myself in front of people and not feeling the crushing judgements whether I'm myself or I tone myself down.
So ultimately, I think I am just tired of human nature. There are many wonderful exceptions, I consider myself an exception.
It was the lack of family/tribe that made me so interested in finding people. I'd always been more of an observer but in wanting to decode my own mind after trauma, I became very interested in sociology and psychology. Not college level by any means, but I learned everything I could with discernment before I believed it.
Maybe I know enough about humans now to know I don't want to know more. Maybe that's what has been so disappointing.
I'm walking along thinking, it's time to focus more on nature and the natural world. Not the human world. Duh. I never did fit in, I was always a frickin weirdo what made me think I was gonna be a part of society now?
By the time I reach the beach I realize, I just want to be me and when I'm around most people, I don't feel like me.
As I'm hiking up the dune it's 80°+ and sweat is pouring and bugs are biting and I feel like me. The space before me parts and there's the ocean.
I come out of my shoes and run to the water. It's like a summer day but nobody is on vacation so what a treat to not see more than a few other people also enjoying. The water is clean, not trashy and dirty like it ends up by July. Just pristine and cool. Hours later here I sit and my feet still feel chilled.
I like people from a distance. There's a few people here and irl I let in for tea. But i think I'm ready to not care what people think or do anymore. Obviously I care about human rights and would stand up. I'm just so tired of opening to people and they take a dump on me. No thanks. If you don't care about anything but yourself, go on with your bad self.
I'm really really really ready to be my whole self. Not watered down. Not faking it till I make it. Not ashamed of how I look or something I said.
Just me.
The hike back was so hot 😂 The humidity here makes you boil. Feels like you're melting. I took the time to become more acute and aware of everything around me. Found a turkey feather. Met a lizard. Got a little sunburnt. Sweat through my clothes. Next time I'm wearing a tank top.
41-45, F
