lol I…. am a terror? what in the world. Reading my old posts disturb me
Anyway. Im getting mature (in some ways). A random new thing im doing is pretty cool.
I have this part of me that absolutely *cannot* be on time. For anything. School, work, dates, anything. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be. I want to be punctual. But I mentally and physically couldn’t do it. I was considering hypnosis for this lol. Its been as long as I can remember. Anyway, I woke up one day. Tired of it bc I actually had a consequence. And it fucked with me. And more importantly, I thought, “what would I teach my daughter if she sees this?” ive been trying to get to the bottom of it. Ive known for a while that it has more to do with waiting that I dont like. If I get somewhere early or on time, I will be waiting. I dont want to wait 15 minutes for something.
So guess what.. yesterday, I got somewhere 5 minutes early. This is usually as early as I’ll ever be but usually im exactly on time or im 5 minutes late.
This morning I decided I’ll get to my destination 15 minutes early. That’s significant for me lol
And I finally understood my issue with waiting. Initially, i thought it was because I just had too many things and I didn’t want to think about everything because it would stress me out.
But, It happened immediately. I started crying. About a recent situation. I had this feeling that I wasn’t important, being let down, not having what I wanted and spent so much time, emotions, and energy on it. It was ugly crying. And I felt SO much. It wasn’t thoughts, it wasn’t stress, or really even “waiting”, it was feeling my feelings.
Im gonna try to be 15 minutes early again tomorrow 🥹
I have this part of me that absolutely *cannot* be on time. For anything. School, work, dates, anything. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be. I want to be punctual. But I mentally and physically couldn’t do it. I was considering hypnosis for this lol. Its been as long as I can remember. Anyway, I woke up one day. Tired of it bc I actually had a consequence. And it fucked with me. And more importantly, I thought, “what would I teach my daughter if she sees this?” ive been trying to get to the bottom of it. Ive known for a while that it has more to do with waiting that I dont like. If I get somewhere early or on time, I will be waiting. I dont want to wait 15 minutes for something.
So guess what.. yesterday, I got somewhere 5 minutes early. This is usually as early as I’ll ever be but usually im exactly on time or im 5 minutes late.
This morning I decided I’ll get to my destination 15 minutes early. That’s significant for me lol
And I finally understood my issue with waiting. Initially, i thought it was because I just had too many things and I didn’t want to think about everything because it would stress me out.
But, It happened immediately. I started crying. About a recent situation. I had this feeling that I wasn’t important, being let down, not having what I wanted and spent so much time, emotions, and energy on it. It was ugly crying. And I felt SO much. It wasn’t thoughts, it wasn’t stress, or really even “waiting”, it was feeling my feelings.
Im gonna try to be 15 minutes early again tomorrow 🥹
