Grand Canyon
I'm surrounded by decent people now but my body still expects pain......I am so glad I met these people. They're so kind.....and nobody hits me here. My manager offered to let me use his car twice to make a 75 mile trip to get my tooth extracted. I have 2 DUI's, so I can't drive so he had 2 different friends of his help me with that. They both drove me there both times.
It feels so foreign to be in a place where I don't have to feel like a burden or like I should apologize for existing.
I think my managers and some of my co-workers know I'm a little "damaged" mentally but they still try for me. I left a rehab center early to better my physical health. I needed money! And that's what I'm getting done here. When I first started this job, i thought to myself: "I can do it this time!.....nothing will make me run away this time! No connection is gonna scare me away this time!"
And I almost gave up one workday when i decided to drink heavily before work and while at work. I thought for sure they were gonna fire me. I thought for sure I'd have to go back to my physically and emotionally abusive father. But they spared me! They told me to hang in there and get back up onto my horse! So that's what I'm gonna do! I can't go back to my fathers place! I hate what he does to me! This is a Golden opportunity for me to FINALLY ESCAPE! Sometimes I feel insecure at work because I know women notice my pain but to my surprise there are also some ladies who are very motherly and even 2 ladies who seem to have a crush on me for some reason.
I really appreciate them and the dudes who have shown me that its okay to look them in the eye when i speak to them and when they speak to me. That i won't be struck down when i look up at them. That they won't exploit my vulnerabilities like my father did.
My eyes used to clench up when I made eye contact with people but now I notice that i can maintain contact and even let other people in. I can sense when people aren't trying to hurt me now. I see that they're human just like me and that they go through their own challenges as well.
Even if i relapse again here....I know I still got something out of my experience here. I received love from my co-workers and it reminded me that it's okay to care for myself. That it's okay to let people in.
It feels so foreign to be in a place where I don't have to feel like a burden or like I should apologize for existing.
I think my managers and some of my co-workers know I'm a little "damaged" mentally but they still try for me. I left a rehab center early to better my physical health. I needed money! And that's what I'm getting done here. When I first started this job, i thought to myself: "I can do it this time!.....nothing will make me run away this time! No connection is gonna scare me away this time!"
And I almost gave up one workday when i decided to drink heavily before work and while at work. I thought for sure they were gonna fire me. I thought for sure I'd have to go back to my physically and emotionally abusive father. But they spared me! They told me to hang in there and get back up onto my horse! So that's what I'm gonna do! I can't go back to my fathers place! I hate what he does to me! This is a Golden opportunity for me to FINALLY ESCAPE! Sometimes I feel insecure at work because I know women notice my pain but to my surprise there are also some ladies who are very motherly and even 2 ladies who seem to have a crush on me for some reason.
I really appreciate them and the dudes who have shown me that its okay to look them in the eye when i speak to them and when they speak to me. That i won't be struck down when i look up at them. That they won't exploit my vulnerabilities like my father did.
My eyes used to clench up when I made eye contact with people but now I notice that i can maintain contact and even let other people in. I can sense when people aren't trying to hurt me now. I see that they're human just like me and that they go through their own challenges as well.
Even if i relapse again here....I know I still got something out of my experience here. I received love from my co-workers and it reminded me that it's okay to care for myself. That it's okay to let people in.
26-30, M
