Sometimes there's a part in me that feels like I've yet to be vindicated.
It's a general feeling of anger.
I grew up an extremely understanding person, TOO understanding.
Western media taught me nothing but shame. Shame has been so second nature to me. I felt like I owed everyone an answer to all questions they had. I felt okay with being in the hot seat. Now I'm at a point where I look back at these moments and feel anger. It's kinda like a child dismissing their feelings to placate the emotionally unstable adult. I did this growing up and I did it on SW from the age of 18 to my early 20's
Answering questions like
"Why don't Muslims speak up against terrorism though?"
"Why don't you guys do enough"
"What about XYZ in this country?
"Do you want Shariah law in the UK"
"Why do you support terrorism" (I could be blue in the face with my answers and no answer was ever good enough)
It was relentless. If you were around then you can probably vouch for it. If not, I don't care. I know what transpired.
Then the outright insults that were said about me but to other people. "Religious zealot" "sociopathic snake" the person who said this could stumble across this post because they're not blocked. I don't care if she does or not. I no longer have any respect for you, your feelings aren't my focal point. I do however feel anger for staying quiet at the time. For tolerating close friends justifying these words. Part of me had normalised this shit so much, I used to laugh at the absurd nature of some of these passing comments that were generic statements relating to my identity. The more specific ones like the one above hit differently but again I wasn't reactive because I expected it. I only challenged general ideas that were damaging to an entire group but stayed silent for the insults. Again, allowing shame to navigate my move. Not wanting to perpetuate a stereotype of being seeing as the aggressor. Also putting someone's personal circumstance before my human reaction.
I recognise the power dynamic in these interactions. How the expectations of me answering these questions weren't fuelled by the will to learn but with the will to maintain an upper hand of superiority. "Tell me how I'm better than you 10 times in quick succession because I'm not listening, I just need to affirm my preconceived ideas"
This anger is probably years of silence and tolerance bubbling to the surface. People like the ones mentioned above are the reason why marginalised people turn to a sense of community full of the wrong people. You are the problem you complain about.
Part of me is wondering if naming the people will make me feel better but idk if it will. It's just a shame I allowed myself to be cornered by people who don't even have the capacity to understand themselves. I don't blame myself at all. It's a normal passage of growth that comes with age. I see it now in my niece's except nowhere near as intense (thankfully). I do however have unresolved anger that I'm trying to figure out where to land
A person's capacity for growth is directly linked to how much truth they can face about themselves without running away so I'm not running from holding both myself and other people accountable
I grew up an extremely understanding person, TOO understanding.
Western media taught me nothing but shame. Shame has been so second nature to me. I felt like I owed everyone an answer to all questions they had. I felt okay with being in the hot seat. Now I'm at a point where I look back at these moments and feel anger. It's kinda like a child dismissing their feelings to placate the emotionally unstable adult. I did this growing up and I did it on SW from the age of 18 to my early 20's
Answering questions like
"Why don't Muslims speak up against terrorism though?"
"Why don't you guys do enough"
"What about XYZ in this country?
"Do you want Shariah law in the UK"
"Why do you support terrorism" (I could be blue in the face with my answers and no answer was ever good enough)
It was relentless. If you were around then you can probably vouch for it. If not, I don't care. I know what transpired.
Then the outright insults that were said about me but to other people. "Religious zealot" "sociopathic snake" the person who said this could stumble across this post because they're not blocked. I don't care if she does or not. I no longer have any respect for you, your feelings aren't my focal point. I do however feel anger for staying quiet at the time. For tolerating close friends justifying these words. Part of me had normalised this shit so much, I used to laugh at the absurd nature of some of these passing comments that were generic statements relating to my identity. The more specific ones like the one above hit differently but again I wasn't reactive because I expected it. I only challenged general ideas that were damaging to an entire group but stayed silent for the insults. Again, allowing shame to navigate my move. Not wanting to perpetuate a stereotype of being seeing as the aggressor. Also putting someone's personal circumstance before my human reaction.
I recognise the power dynamic in these interactions. How the expectations of me answering these questions weren't fuelled by the will to learn but with the will to maintain an upper hand of superiority. "Tell me how I'm better than you 10 times in quick succession because I'm not listening, I just need to affirm my preconceived ideas"
This anger is probably years of silence and tolerance bubbling to the surface. People like the ones mentioned above are the reason why marginalised people turn to a sense of community full of the wrong people. You are the problem you complain about.
Part of me is wondering if naming the people will make me feel better but idk if it will. It's just a shame I allowed myself to be cornered by people who don't even have the capacity to understand themselves. I don't blame myself at all. It's a normal passage of growth that comes with age. I see it now in my niece's except nowhere near as intense (thankfully). I do however have unresolved anger that I'm trying to figure out where to land
A person's capacity for growth is directly linked to how much truth they can face about themselves without running away so I'm not running from holding both myself and other people accountable
