I Like to Be Alone With My Thoughts Sometimes

I sometimes find myself yearning for calm, but I don't really know that I'd like to experience such a thing. The thought is kinda fearsome, to be honest. A day where I feel things consecutively, where Im stuck in one mood, where I may not experience mania..what would that feel like? It seems so foreign, the thought alone is much like me trying to imagine what it would be like to live on an alien planet, or in another dimension. I think what I really yearn for is a better sense of balance in the chaos that is my mind. When I try to figure out how to find that balance, the flood gates open and I'm bombarded with all kinds of suggestions; maybe I should start painting again, maybe I should start writing again, maybe I should start making jewelry and clothing again..it's almost too much. Those things brought some balance, buy with mania, I found myself taking up far too many hobbies at once and never really finishing anything. Just lots of unfinished pieces scattered around, and I don't want that again..but maybe I kinda do. Maybe I need the freedom and resources at my disposal so that I can pick up a paint brush, a pen, a needle, etc when I need to. I've created so many beautiful things in the past, everything was created to balance out whatever mood I was cycling through. Everything had a specific look, a memory, a feeling..when I created something, I was able to see that feeling. I could physically hold on to that feeling, something that I can't do within my mind. Feelings are so fleeting for me. Maybe I solved my problem, maybe I just postponed a breakdown. Who knows. But if it brings me some happiness, it's worth it.