Pointless thoughts

When I tested positive last December, it was around the time my mother's cancer symptoms started to appear. It all started with a cold with me.. I mean it was winter, so cold and flu were pretty much spread, and I remember I caught a bad cold from work late that October, and since then, it was just on and off with the cough and cold.. My mother started coughing too, too much, and so I thought she also had cold, because I was coughing too non stop. Late December, I tested positive... I thought, my mother must've have caught covid from me, because I knew she was coughing like me.. But she tested negative twice, and I was relieved. A month later, exactly on the same day I tested positive, only a month after, she was admitted to the hospital with one collapsed lung..

We didn't know it was cancer at the time.. Or let me be clear, ((I)) didn't know it was cancer, but I don't know the extent of the information my stupid siblings had and did not give me. But it hit me at the time, that my mother might have caught covid from me, only the PCR didn't reveal it.. Although it is not something to feel guilty about, but it filled me with guilt and just frustration at the time..

Only after that I knew it had nothing to do with Covid whatsoever. But sometimes I wonder, had she caught covid, it would have probably killed her on the spot... It makes me think how awful that would have been for me... How much it would have filled me with "what if" thoughts ... The thing is, rationally speaking when I knew it was cancer, I knew it was the end of it and it was no surprise.. But had her death been moved forward by Covid, I would have guilted myself to death with wonders about the possibility of her treatment, or maybe we would have never even discovered the cancer and we would have been under the impression that Covid killed her..

Sometimes I think it is so weird that she never caught covid from me, when I was pretty much coughing around the house, and she already had these lungs serious problems, so it is not like her immune system was great. In a way, I think it is fortunate for me, because it would have burdened me for life, but sometimes I also think, it may have speeded things up, and she may have never went through all that suffering ..

But then, there is no point of thinking all of that.. Yet, I can't help it.