I miss my friend

I don’t do people right. I just don’t. Not in the sense that I mistreat them (I hope)… just the interaction in general. I somehow pull onto this one-way street where I just enjoy. I admire and get inspired and delighted and invested in this person. I appreciate their good qualities. Their talents. I see their struggles and empathize and want to encourage and support. I find the authenticity of their flaws endearing. I mess up the terminology a bit. In my head, we’re friends. But in reality, we’re not really. And this is my doing as well, so I am included in the people I don’t do right. 😂 I don’t know how to drive on a two-way street. I don’t know how to open the door and take all the things I like to give. I’ll usually skitter away from the attempt because I haven’t got a clue how to do that. Too much time alone maybe. Too self-centered in my perspective. My inner world, thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, is so much mine I simply don’t know how to share it. I suspect I don’t really want to, as it’s not really like me to let not knowing how keep me from trying a thing. A sneaky kind of selfishness to fall into. It stands to reason that I might actually be useless in the giving of what I can, being too mired in what I see and feel and missing what they need. Handing out candy to the starving. Lord, I am grotesquely flawed. I don’t seem to be getting better with age…just more aware of the depth and breadth of all I don’t have to offer. I woke up this morning with the realization once again that I had been parked on that one-way street, that the friend I was missing wasn’t really my friend. Entirely possible I had found them so easy to enjoy to such an extent because I didn’t actually matter all that much to them. No distraction of being looked at or thought about. No skittishness to rain on my parade. I don’t really miss my friend. I enjoy that person same as always. I miss the luxury of that little fantasy of connection it would have taken a miracle for me to allow. It doesn’t hurt so much as it just makes me shake my head at myself. I am wonky at the most basic human things.