Vocidursuvj gxubk gxugkp
If my eyes are open, there’s a chance they’re going to fall on something that will make me think. I don’t mind either way, to be honest. Even the odd randomness of the direction is somewhat enjoyable. Today it was romantic. Passionate. Dreamy. And there I was, like in a big aquarium, standing on the other side of the glass with all my sensory memory but no sensation. I remember that life. I remember those thoughts and feelings and wants and needs. The sweetness of that ache. All the thrill and bright optimism of that focus. It is purely a belief in possibility. A longing for elusive connection. I never asked myself why. I doubt I’d have had any answers, which I think in large part explains why I never found what I was looking for. I never asked myself why I did anything. Is that why my little aquarium is so full now? Why there are so many tanks I stand outside of? I just lived. I went where it took me. I lived a life of “seemed like a good idea at the time.” Choose your own adventure. I can read words that came from my mind 20 years ago, and they are words of a stranger. I wouldn’t say that now. I wouldn’t think that now. She was treading the waters I vaguely remember the sensation of now. It’s a miracle she never drowned, as she sure never learned how to swim. I have not lived one life as one person. I’ve lived dozens as whoever I needed to be to survive them and make them as lovely as I could. Dove in without looking and made adjustments in response to what I found. I don’t really think that’s the best way of going about it, and words can’t express the relief I feel that the two people I brought into the world along the way are more grounded, more aware, more solid in who they are and what they want and why. The humor of the fact that I am their comfort and their home base is not lost on me. I can ask the questions now, though. Now, when the answers and the optimism have been honed down to basics. Treading water yet again that I won’t feel until some future me looks back and tries to remember. We live how we’re able. In the end, I can only think I was very very lucky.
