So I'm new here but I have a doc I put all my thoughts on so imma just post some of those cause idk
Depression sinks me down like a gravitational pull back down to the earth. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, my thoughts have been overtaken by the monster inside of me. No one understands. “Just be happy.” They say it like it’s the simplest thing in the world. They don’t understand how hard I have to try each day just to seem normal. Inside I’m crying and screaming for help. Throwing a full on toddler tantrum, but I’m okay. I want to tell them how much it hurts. How the weight of my thoughts is too much for me to carry on my own. But I’m scared. What if they throw me out like the piece of trash I am? What if they don’t want me anymore? What then? I wish I could be happy but I don’t know how because I can never get rid of this knowledge in my head. The knowledge of how horrible our world really is. The knowledge that I can never escape till I die. …Till I die. I tie a noose around my neck and struggle to breathe, I stab a dagger through my heart, I sink under the water letting the river pull my weightless body, I overdose on a couple bottles of pills. But I’m still here. WHY AM I STILL HERE?! All I want is for death to consume and overtake my intoxicated body. To be buried six feet under and have nothing but the worms to talk to. But I’m scared to die because I don’t have a single clue what comes after death. And I don't think I’m ready to know either.
End of thought.
The walls in my house have heard every cry for help I’ve sent God, every argument I’ve had with my family, every desperate plea I’ve spoken, every secret I’ve whispered, I’ve even had a conversation with the walls in my room. Walls are so underappreciated. Today, I thank you walls.
End of thought.
Everything has the potential to be the last thing. Tomorrow might be the last day I’m on this earth. Today might be the last time I remember an old friend from elementary. Yesterday could have been the last day I remembered to call my Grandma before it was too late. When I meet someone, sometimes, all I can think about is the fact that maybe that would be the last time I am seeing them. Maybe things between us will change. Maybe tragedy will strike. Maybe moving away would be an option. Whatever the reason, I can’t stop thinking about how maybe it’s the last time I’ll see them. Or, if they ever wonder if that’s the last time they’ll ever see me.
When I go somewhere, I don’t know whether I’ll come back. When I go somewhere, anywhere, I don’t have any idea if it’s the last time I’ll ever go there. No matter how much I enjoyed it, there are places I have not returned to yet, if I would ever. What if I don’t make enough memories and there’s no way for me to get back there?
End of thought.
Is there such a thing as your real self or does your self change as time passes and given the circumstances you are in? I’ve heard many people call me two faced, and I eighty percent agree with them. I think it’s deep rooted from my childhood. Being the mild child my siblings got most things they asked for, I however had to manipulate to get the things I wanted. I know it sounds horrible but it was the only way. I try not to manipulate people anymore but sometimes it comes naturally and I really need to get out of that habit. I wonder if someone made an exact replica of me, down to the tiniest cellular detail, would it become me? Or would it somehow still be missing something?
End of thought.
Today the earth is more beautiful than it will be tomorrow. As we fill the earth with trash we complain about how much trash is on the earth. The rate with which humans destroy the planet is alarming. In a few more decades, Earth will not be as beautiful and habitable as it once was. And we are to blame. I’m not sure what’s scarier: experiencing the downfall of man-made civilizations on the face of the planet or allowing future generations to suffer the consequences of what we have done?
End of thought.
...Life hates me. There is no doubt in my mind, although I shouldn't be surprised. Most everyone hates me. I kinda want to write a vignette. They're fun to write.
My vignette:
A time of anger and grief
A time of corruption and terrorism.
Blood streaks my face as I look around in horror.
The bloodshed, the evil, the sorrow.
My mind is filled with images of innocent people being slaughtered. Computer chips being implanted into skin.
Beside me a head explodes in smoke and blood. I try to pour water on him, help him, but he's dead.
My head pounds, my heart thuds, I can't feel my legs anymore but I have to keep going. It's coming.
The new world order.
The mark of the beast.
The thinning.
Armageddon.
Welp, that was interesting to say the least. Kinda cool though.
End of thought.
My head won't stop pounding. A small part of me worries that there is something wrong with me and I'm dying slowly. Another part of me hopes for this outcome. I know I might sound crazy, wanting to die even though I have a not so bad life. I have a roof over my head and food on my table but still I'm slowly driving myself insane and it's hard to take anymore. Each time I take a look in the mirror I can't tell if that's really me looking back at myself or just an illusion. I can't find an escape from the reality that is me, each time I try I just find myself deeper and deeper in my mind, asking myself questions only God can answer. Voices I do not know seep into my mind. I don't know or understand where they come from or where they disappear to after I have heard them. When I'm lonely I don't mind the voices so much, I'm lonely a lot.
End of thought.
I don't feel like sleeping tonight, or ever again for that matter. My head is filled with horror and realizations from my nightmares. It's hard to understand anything anymore and all I want is an explanation of something, anything, except I know that cannot happen because no one can truly explain to me my deep thoughts and dreams. The time at the moment is 12:53am on a cool Wednesday night. I can feel the deep sinking feeling of my loneliness and I can do nothing to stop it. My entire body is pulsing with an itch to move around, just do something to get my mind off things but even the things I used to enjoy are engulfing me in my useless thoughts. I wonder if I am truly going crazy but I can't tell a soul in worry of betrayal. This brings me back to the thought of being crazy for not being able to trust anyone, or maybe I'm just scared to tell them my mind in worry it will make them just as insane as myself. The time is now 1:01am on a cool Wednesday night and I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, blinding me in a series of blurry figures. My dog lays comfortably beside me as I listen to her steady breaths. I wonder if dogs comprehend the unknown insanities of our world. I just laid down my book after reading several captivating chapters that again only brought me back to my repulsive thoughts. I wonder how anyone can live without having these realizations of how hopeless we are on this earth. I especially wonder how anyone can instinctively bring children into this corrupt world, but then again maybe children are the only things that can keep us all sane, for their thoughts and feelings are so simply complex that they can bring us back to the real truths without even realizing it. I grow more and more irritated as each day passes by, everyone acting like everything is fine and normal. What even is normal anymore in this world of chaos? Since when did abortions become normal or same gender sex? And how come no one is addressing these abominations? Fear? Fear of being different, an outcast, or maybe fear of becoming a target. I realize now that we have become slaves in a free country. Since when did that become normal? I push these regretting thoughts into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind, not wanting to show the world even my most harmless thoughts. I wonder why I can't think like a normal person, a normal teenager, a normal girl, but then again I'm not normal. I don't desire sex or drugs or any other worldly temptation. I desire an understanding, the truth and most of all a person to talk to that understands me and loves me no matter what. But unfortunately mankind is cruel and selfish and unexplainably smart in the dumbest ways possible. It is unfathomable how ridiculously lustful and evil and misunderstood people are. Which brings me to another thought of judging too quickly. This is a subject I have so much to say about and yet cannot utter a word cause I don't know where to start or even how to put these thoughts into words. My mind races through more thoughts than I can remember, each one pushing me deeper and deeper into confusion. Mostly a lot of what if's or how comes. It is now confirmed, I'm crazy.
End of thought.
End of thought.
The walls in my house have heard every cry for help I’ve sent God, every argument I’ve had with my family, every desperate plea I’ve spoken, every secret I’ve whispered, I’ve even had a conversation with the walls in my room. Walls are so underappreciated. Today, I thank you walls.
End of thought.
Everything has the potential to be the last thing. Tomorrow might be the last day I’m on this earth. Today might be the last time I remember an old friend from elementary. Yesterday could have been the last day I remembered to call my Grandma before it was too late. When I meet someone, sometimes, all I can think about is the fact that maybe that would be the last time I am seeing them. Maybe things between us will change. Maybe tragedy will strike. Maybe moving away would be an option. Whatever the reason, I can’t stop thinking about how maybe it’s the last time I’ll see them. Or, if they ever wonder if that’s the last time they’ll ever see me.
When I go somewhere, I don’t know whether I’ll come back. When I go somewhere, anywhere, I don’t have any idea if it’s the last time I’ll ever go there. No matter how much I enjoyed it, there are places I have not returned to yet, if I would ever. What if I don’t make enough memories and there’s no way for me to get back there?
End of thought.
Is there such a thing as your real self or does your self change as time passes and given the circumstances you are in? I’ve heard many people call me two faced, and I eighty percent agree with them. I think it’s deep rooted from my childhood. Being the mild child my siblings got most things they asked for, I however had to manipulate to get the things I wanted. I know it sounds horrible but it was the only way. I try not to manipulate people anymore but sometimes it comes naturally and I really need to get out of that habit. I wonder if someone made an exact replica of me, down to the tiniest cellular detail, would it become me? Or would it somehow still be missing something?
End of thought.
Today the earth is more beautiful than it will be tomorrow. As we fill the earth with trash we complain about how much trash is on the earth. The rate with which humans destroy the planet is alarming. In a few more decades, Earth will not be as beautiful and habitable as it once was. And we are to blame. I’m not sure what’s scarier: experiencing the downfall of man-made civilizations on the face of the planet or allowing future generations to suffer the consequences of what we have done?
End of thought.
...Life hates me. There is no doubt in my mind, although I shouldn't be surprised. Most everyone hates me. I kinda want to write a vignette. They're fun to write.
My vignette:
A time of anger and grief
A time of corruption and terrorism.
Blood streaks my face as I look around in horror.
The bloodshed, the evil, the sorrow.
My mind is filled with images of innocent people being slaughtered. Computer chips being implanted into skin.
Beside me a head explodes in smoke and blood. I try to pour water on him, help him, but he's dead.
My head pounds, my heart thuds, I can't feel my legs anymore but I have to keep going. It's coming.
The new world order.
The mark of the beast.
The thinning.
Armageddon.
Welp, that was interesting to say the least. Kinda cool though.
End of thought.
My head won't stop pounding. A small part of me worries that there is something wrong with me and I'm dying slowly. Another part of me hopes for this outcome. I know I might sound crazy, wanting to die even though I have a not so bad life. I have a roof over my head and food on my table but still I'm slowly driving myself insane and it's hard to take anymore. Each time I take a look in the mirror I can't tell if that's really me looking back at myself or just an illusion. I can't find an escape from the reality that is me, each time I try I just find myself deeper and deeper in my mind, asking myself questions only God can answer. Voices I do not know seep into my mind. I don't know or understand where they come from or where they disappear to after I have heard them. When I'm lonely I don't mind the voices so much, I'm lonely a lot.
End of thought.
I don't feel like sleeping tonight, or ever again for that matter. My head is filled with horror and realizations from my nightmares. It's hard to understand anything anymore and all I want is an explanation of something, anything, except I know that cannot happen because no one can truly explain to me my deep thoughts and dreams. The time at the moment is 12:53am on a cool Wednesday night. I can feel the deep sinking feeling of my loneliness and I can do nothing to stop it. My entire body is pulsing with an itch to move around, just do something to get my mind off things but even the things I used to enjoy are engulfing me in my useless thoughts. I wonder if I am truly going crazy but I can't tell a soul in worry of betrayal. This brings me back to the thought of being crazy for not being able to trust anyone, or maybe I'm just scared to tell them my mind in worry it will make them just as insane as myself. The time is now 1:01am on a cool Wednesday night and I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, blinding me in a series of blurry figures. My dog lays comfortably beside me as I listen to her steady breaths. I wonder if dogs comprehend the unknown insanities of our world. I just laid down my book after reading several captivating chapters that again only brought me back to my repulsive thoughts. I wonder how anyone can live without having these realizations of how hopeless we are on this earth. I especially wonder how anyone can instinctively bring children into this corrupt world, but then again maybe children are the only things that can keep us all sane, for their thoughts and feelings are so simply complex that they can bring us back to the real truths without even realizing it. I grow more and more irritated as each day passes by, everyone acting like everything is fine and normal. What even is normal anymore in this world of chaos? Since when did abortions become normal or same gender sex? And how come no one is addressing these abominations? Fear? Fear of being different, an outcast, or maybe fear of becoming a target. I realize now that we have become slaves in a free country. Since when did that become normal? I push these regretting thoughts into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind, not wanting to show the world even my most harmless thoughts. I wonder why I can't think like a normal person, a normal teenager, a normal girl, but then again I'm not normal. I don't desire sex or drugs or any other worldly temptation. I desire an understanding, the truth and most of all a person to talk to that understands me and loves me no matter what. But unfortunately mankind is cruel and selfish and unexplainably smart in the dumbest ways possible. It is unfathomable how ridiculously lustful and evil and misunderstood people are. Which brings me to another thought of judging too quickly. This is a subject I have so much to say about and yet cannot utter a word cause I don't know where to start or even how to put these thoughts into words. My mind races through more thoughts than I can remember, each one pushing me deeper and deeper into confusion. Mostly a lot of what if's or how comes. It is now confirmed, I'm crazy.
End of thought.
18-21, F