Random Thoughts

Fighting an addiction when you deal with depression is so hard. Not that it's impossible. But it's hard.

I used to be a smoker and that was about 15 years ago. Yes, I did smoke at a younger age. I somehow had an iron will which I still do have it hidden somewhere but I'm weaker now. I gave up the smoking which I overdid back then. Haven't had a cigarette since then and I don't have the urge now.

I'm not that addicted to alcohol per say as I was to cigarettes. With cigarettes, I had the itch. I needed to have it. The days I didn't have it were the hardest. I would get migraines. Feel like puking. It was horrible. I'm not addicted to alcohol as I was to cigarettes but my sorry state of mind drags me to drink it. I'll end up drunk on the days when my mind wants to self explode. It's not because I want to. I do it to make it to another day and if I don't drink it's okay too. It's just the days that hurt me the most that pull the bottle out of the closet. I just do what I do to numb myself. Being sensitive isn't easy either. I feel things in a dialled up manner and numbing myself just helps me soar through.

I'll quit it. I'm just in a rough place in my mind battling so many battles that it gets tiring. I end up just drunk to numb it all. Wish shit in my head would stop. I really wish.